Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Saving Myself for Donnie Wahlberg…

Well maybe not really (or maybe so, who knows!) Here we are again that wonderful day of the year we all love so very much: Valentine’s Day. Last year I was pretty upset by this little twenty-four hour period, but this year I’m just really not. I really just don’t care, it’s just another day.

So why then am I writing a blog for the first time in a month and a half over the subject?


This is my word of 2012. I’ve had real issue with this word in the past because I thought that if I said I was content with my life that meant that I was happy staying where I was, which I’m not. I want to get married and have kids and that’s not where I’m at, so I didn’t want to tempt the fates into thinking that they could just leave me here and I’d be happy about it, because I wouldn’t be. Then a friend encouraged me to watch the movie Courageous. I won’t go into my analysis and critique of the movie because it isn’t relevant here. What happened was that the movie didn’t come out on DVD for some time after I was told to watch it, however I noticed a book at Barnes and Noble inspired by the movie: The Resolution for Women (there’s a men’s version too). I started this book at the beginning of the year and I’ll admit I have not been diligent about reading it every day, but I’ll get through it eventually.

The main point of the beginning and what struck me so much was this idea of contentment. The book laid it out in a manner that I not only understood, but completely and totally agreed with. It suggested the idea that we all have different seasons throughout our lives: seasons to be single, to be married, to be a parent, to be a student, to build our career, to be a kid and so on. The idea of contentment isn’t the idea that you have to be satisfied forever with what you have now; rather it is the idea that you are content, happy and enjoy what you have in the season that you are in. It was like a light bulb went off there in my bedroom.

Contentment doesn’t mean that I am giving up and saying, well I guess this is how it’s going to be and I have to live with it. Rather it gives me the opportunity to live my life to the fullest and enjoy this time I have. Now I’ve known all of this for years and for a long time I’ve told myself I need to learn to live in the moment, but they were just words and the voice in the back of my mind was telling me that I was biding my time until my “real” life started: the get married and have kids life. I don’t really know what the major difference this time was, but I really and truly got it this time around. I realize all the great things that I get to do because I am single.

I took an amazing trip to New York and DC in November and got to enjoy just spending time alone, which was amazing. That trip was all about having new experiences and finding myself along the way. I had never flown by myself before and that felt like this huge thing, that wasn’t really all that big of a deal. At the same time I made all the arrangements myself (besides a bus ticket to DC) and got myself where I needed to be all by myself. I’ve always been a very independent person, however I tend to stay in my own comfortable bubble and that trip pushed me outside my bubble and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I’m finishing my Masters. During the month of February not only have I completed my last class, but I also have to write my comprehensive exam (which I still don’t think is THAT big of a deal, but everyone else is flipping out about). To be honest I’m glad I’m single because I just really don’t have time, right now, to factor someone else in. I am doing everything I can to just have some “me” time in between class and paper writing.

On top of this we are starting some new things at CrossTimbers that I’m ridiculously excited about, but that are also kind of time consuming in the beginning planning process. (And, no, I’m still not 100% certain how this all ended up happening at once.) This has become an amazing opportunity that allows me and a group of people to truly make a difference in other people’s lives as well as our own and I’m so excited about the direction it is going.

February also includes seeing a dear friend in one of my favorite musicals, the birthday of a beautiful little girl, whom I adore, that must be showered with birthday excitement, a women’s retreat at my home church that I am beyond excited about, and to top it off a trip to Dallas with one of my most favorite people for the Jordan Knight solo show (because if you couldn’t tell at the beginning of this I am having some NKOTB withdrawals lately).

So all in all February is a really busy month for me. If I had been put in a relationship at this point the person I was with would probably be feeling abandoned or I would be focused on them and not all the other things I need to do. That’s kind of how my life has been these days. It’s not that I don’t want to be with someone; it’s that simply this is not the season for that.

I don’t know how long this season of my life is going to last. Maybe it will be that mystery date in July or maybe it will be sooner than that, but if it happens to be longer than that, then that’s okay too.

For the last few months I have been toying around with the idea of finishing my LPC (license professional counseling) classes. The class I just finished up sealed the deal on that. Basically I’m signing myself up for another year and a half or so of school, but I’m okay with that. I truly feel like it is the place that I’m supposed to be in this season of my life. I’m not really sure what this means in the long run of my life, but I feel certain that I’m going in the right direction and certain things that I thought would be happening right now are on hold for a reason, though I don’t know that reason yet. I figure at some point it will all make sense, why I have shifted my passion around, or put a major passion on hold for a little while.

For the time being, I am enjoying the fact that if I want to lock myself in my room and watch Dawson’s Creek for hours I can. If I want to hop on a plane to NYC I can. I am going to enjoy that I can do whatever I want at this point in my life. I fully believe that in the right time I will get all the things that my heart desires, but I fully believe that this is not the right time. I would rather enjoy my life now, single, than push for a relationship that isn’t right and end up more miserable in the end.

For the first time in a long time I am really, truly happy (albeit very busy and slightly stressed, but happy) and content with where I am. I would rather have a million Valentine’s Days alone than be in an unhealthy relationship again. All the things I have learned will go with me into my next relationship, which I will allow to happen naturally and not push for or try to force. That’s just not the way this crazy life works. And if you have a problem with me being thirty and single and my life not matching how yours looks, then that's your problem, not mine, and it probably means there is something lacking in your own life. I encourage you to take a look and try to find the missing piece. It took me a long time to put all the pieces back together to become whole and I’m glad I took that time because I would not trade it for anything.

So happy Valentine’s Day to all (and especially to Donnie Wahlberg…I’ll be here patiently waiting… ;))