Yes, yes, friends I am a recovering crazy woman. It wasn't all that long ago that I wrote pages and pages and pages of lamented, loving bullshit to an ex.
As I mentioned in the previous post my relationship history has not been exemplary. The good news is that I've learned a lot and grown up a lot since that time (I was 27, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it).
I have been the girl who calls and texts five million times just to get my point across.
I have been the girl that drives by your house just to see if you're home and feels a closeness just by seeing your car.
I have been the girl that wrote EIGHT SINGLE SPACED TYPED PAGES of ways to 'fix' our relationship entitled "What I Want..." (sister, if it takes you EIGHT SINGLE SPACED TYPED PAGES to fix the relationship you should probably not BE in the relationship)
Tonight I wanted to go back in time and slap my former self. Real hard. Like real, real, real hard.
Oh my geezes.
While cleaning out drawers in my kitchen I found a stack of papers. All the things I wrote (typed) and printed fundamentally presenting my case as to why my ex and I should get back together.
This was painful to read. Honestly I couldn't read all of it. I was so incredibly sad for the person writing it and while I knew it was me that had written it, my writing style, my tone, my words, my thoughts, my feelings, it was like a slap in the face of the person I've become.
Let me just give you an excerpt so you know the level of crazy I'm talking about here:
"Relationships aren't always easy and you're not always going to be happy every minute of the day. The same things happens when you are not in a relationship. That's just the way life is, there are good days and there are bad, there are good weeks and months and even years, but there can also be bad ones. Just because things get hard doesn't mean you should give up. I have grown so much over the last several weeks. [Editor's note: NO I HADN'T] I finally understand w here the problems we have come from. It has nothing to do with our relationship, [Editor's note: um...hello EIGHT TYPED PAGES] the baggage we brought into the relationship caused the problems, not the other way around."No, no, no, no, no, no.
There are pages of this. Pages. I even have one set that I put page numbers on.
If I met someone who did this now I would pray for her and tell her to get out, not because I've been there, but because it's CRAZY. Crazy might be a harsh word to describe someone who has just gotten their heart smashed to pieces, but since it was me I feel pretty confident that I can use the term.
The truth of the matter is that this girl wasn't crazy. She was codependent and unaware what love really meant. She had found what she wanted to be love because she didn't know any better and when everything went spiraling out of control she did whatever she could to hold onto it, even if some of that behavior was a bit 'over the top.'
Reading through this I realize the things I desired from the relationship weren't that unrealistic, to be honest, however if I have to write down on paper that I need you to be kind to me and respect me after being together for a significant amount of time then we really shouldn't have been together. Obviously I'm not letting him off the hook, he did some bad things, but I let him, over and over, I let him treat me this way. I was so insecure and had such low self esteem that this is what I thought I deserved and didn't think I could find anyone else and could not bear to be alone. Knowing the person I am now I have tears in my eyes because I know that was true.
Someone who has just gotten to know me in the last few years will know a confident, secure, matter of fact, sarcastic person who would talk to the president the same way she talks to her best friend. A person who can command a room (when she's in a comfortable place). A person who smiles and laughs and is really funny.
The girl who wrote those papers I found was none of those things. But the things is, she was. Underneath all of that she was all those things, she just forgot. Bad relationship after bad relationship made her doubt who she was. She found her self worth through the eyes of someone else. She did not have the courage to get out of the relationship because her value only came as being the other half of a 'we'.
I'm glad I don't do those things anymore, but I'm also glad that I went through that period of time. I'm glad to be a survivor of that because I can help others. I can see that behavior in others and try to knock them out of it. Granted I have to remember how well I took these conversations when they were had with me at the time and show a little bit of grace.
I truly believe if I was to share some of these very private words with people who know me better than anyone else, but did not go through that season with me, they would think either I was writing fiction or I was showing them something someone else wrote. That is a completely surreal feeling.
If you are in a relationship that you have to fight for more than you enjoy, trust me, you shouldn't be in it. And that's okay. I am here to tell you, you WILL survive it and you will be so much better for everything you went through. Relationships, whether romantic or otherwise, should bring out the very best in you. A person that is good for you will make you be you-er than you've ever realized you could be. They will love every little quirk about you and not want to change one because they love YOU. They will make your face light up and give you a little twinkle in your eye.
But the thing is, you have to love you first. Love is an inside job, and until you love you then you won't be able to be loved the way you so very much deserve to be.