Saturday, March 2, 2013

Tunnel Vision

I have done a lot of writing over the last month, but most of it has been aimed at a particular person and is not exactly something I want to share for the world...sorry guys! But I need to write and I'm patiently (yeah, right) waiting to get ready for Charity Ball, so I thought I'd write a little bit about what's been on my mind lately.

Tunnel Vision. I have it. Bad.

I tend to get very, very focused on one thing and one thing only. It could be a person, an activity, a project, but whatever it is when I get locked I get LOCKED.

A few things have come to mind in relation to that including balance. And stepping outside my comfort zone. And not putting things (and people) in nice neat little boxes. It's funny how when something is weighing on you how it ends up being EVERYWHERE.

There is no doubt I love my church. I do, very, very much so. Unfortunately, lately, CrossTimbers has been my tunnel vision. Everything was about CT. I've been reminded lately that I do have a life outside of CrossTimbers. I kind of looked at the person and said "I do?" and had to really think hard about it. None of this is to say that I love it any less, but more about realizing the other amazing things that are going on in my little world.

Things have been so hectic and fast paced for me the last six to nine months that I had to start somewhere to reclaim my life. The life that involves all kinds of amazing people and activities. The life that allows me to open up to new people.

Around this time last year I REALLY wanted to quit my job. I mean just walk out. Thankfully I have a very wise friend who reminded me that money would eventually run out and I shouldn't quit without a new job in place. I was really thinking about what all has come into my life because I didn't  make that decision. I have a new found love of driving again. I had gotten to the point that I hated driving and now I don't so much mind it. I have met some incredible people that I would have had no reason to know otherwise. I have made a friend or two that I honestly and truly cannot even begin to imagine my life without. One that I can't really believe hasn't been in my life the entire time. If I'd stayed mad and just quit I wouldn't have these people. Life keeps going back to me realizing the amazing opportunities that have come my way because  of my job.

Now I've also been asked recently why I'm still at my job. I have a Masters degree and could look for something else. Again, I'm glad I haven't done that because I wouldn't have the person that asked that in my life! Some new opportunities are starting to present themselves to me, one in particular which happened today. It's almost as if the stars are aligning to make something really incredible happen.

All of these new things are completely  out of my comfort zone. Like so far out of my comfort zone that I can't really begin to imagine where to start. With my tunnel vision comes a plan for what my life is going to look like in five, ten, twenty years. Looking back five or ten years ago, however, nothing that I thought would happen has happened. Some of the people that are the most important to me now I had never heard of five years ago, let alone ten years ago. I acquired these people by doing the thing that I hate to do the most: stepping outside my comfort zone.

What's funny is that when I do that I tend to see the most incredible things happen.

So why would I want to live in a world where I'm comfortable if all the things that happen outside of that little box are so amazing?

Fear of getting hurt, screwing up and being rejected.

I am terribly afraid of making mistakes. I don't believe in regrets, only lessons. And I wouldn't change anything about my life to this point. But I'm extremely cautious. I hate to be embarrassed and screwing up or being rejected cause me to feel that way.

And then there's my heart. Oh that poor thing has been to hell and back a few times, each time coming out a little stronger and a little more hardened. It's been broken, bruised and bandaged. And now it has healed. And I like it being healed! There's not the worry of crying for hours and feeling completely empty. I've done that and I've felt that and I don't like it. I have grown since that time, a lot, but I feel like all my past relationships were so incredibly bad, from a healthy emotional standpoint, and I don't know that I know how to do this in a manner that is healthy. Granted, I have amazing people who are completely rooting me on and who will hold my hand until my feet are sure. I can't thank them enough for being those people in my world.

So get ready people. I'm going to try to break down the walls of the box and cross the lines of my comfort zone. Tonight is the beginning. This is about me being happy with me, just who I am right at this moment in time. Because you know what? I could name so many people that tell me that every single day. That I am incredible just the way I am; I don't need to change anything; I'm not broken. If all of these people, whose opinions I value so greatly, believe that, then why on earth shouldn't I?

Watch out world, I'm coming for you.