Single

When did this become such a bad word? Why is it that when one is single they get the words "oh well you'll find the right guy at the right time"? What if, this is a crazy thought I might get locked up for, we don't want to get married? What if we don't want to date? What if we make the conscious decision that this is not something that is meant for our life at this point in time and frankly could never be meant for us? Is that wrong?

When I turned thirty at the beginning of the month something inside of me just clicked. No longer did I have the desire to try to play catch up to all the people around this part of the country that seem to think the only way you have value at my highly advanced age if you are married and have children. I have an amazing life. I do a lot of volunteer work, I am finishing my Masters, I have amazing ideas of how to help the world, and yet I spent most of a decade thinking that wasn't good enough. Basically I wasn't good enough for me. And that is stupid. I spent a long time trying to do the things that others in my world were doing, as much as I could without the necessary husband and children, just so I could keep up. Do you know what I realized this week? The ones I was most trying to keep up with were the ones that I disliked the most. Why on earth would I want to be exactly like people that overall I don't even like?

Yeah that was a life changing moment. One of those where you look at your entire life and start thinking about it in the correct perspective. Over the last month I have made some pretty big decisions about my future, following graduation in May. I am really excited about these decisions and plans. What I have found, though, is when I mention that I have big news people automatically assume that it involves dating, engagement, marriage or babies. It doesn't. It has to do with me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to dating, engagements, marriage and babies. They are all fine for other people, but at this point in my life they are things I am completely not interested in. I am swearing off dating until next June (at the earliest). When I say this I don't mean it in the reverse psychology sense of thinking "well if I say I'm not going to date then magically Mr. Right will appear from around the corner while I'm not looking." Oh no, I am so serious about this one that I am looking around every corner, just to make sure someone isn't lurking that could mess with the plans I am making, which I truly believe is the perfect path for me. If I hadn't been through everything that I've been through then I wouldn't be set up so perfectly for this adventure.

Yesterday I was at Borders' closing sale and while looking for the travel section (everything is all consolidated as they have less and less inventory) I happened to find myself in the self help section. Whoever thought of this section I truly think should be shot, as well as most people that write the books that find themselves in this section. A particular book stuck out to me:

Words cannot express how offended I was by this title. For starters it has one of my least favorite words in it: settling. After fifteen years of dating I have learned the most important lesson: DO NOT SETTLE. I have settled, over and over and over again. I have been the girl that looks (and looks and looks) for any guy who will pay the slightest bit of attention to me, which is, settling. When it comes to spending my life with someone under absolutely no circumstance will I settle. Period. I would rather have a full life that involves no husband than settle for someone who is just good enough. Two things stand out in this to me. The first is that the woman who is settling for "good enough" doesn't truly value herself as good enough. The second is that the guy that will allow a girl to settle for him as "good enough" doesn't value himself. I refuse to be with someone who makes me feel less valuable than I am and I refuse to be with someone who does not have high value for himself. Just not happening.

Thankfully in the past when I have started to settle the relationship ended. I totally value those relationships now because they taught me extremely valuable lessons about myself and about who I want to choose to spend the rest of my life with. While I think there is an element of fate to falling in love I also believe that there is an element of choice. We can choose to fall in love with the wrong person, or we can choose to fall in love with the right person at the right time. I don't like using the word "wait" when talking about falling in love. I truly don't feel I am "waiting" for the right guy to come into my life. By waiting I am impatiently looking at some cosmic clock that is ticking away until the alarm goes off. Instead of "waiting" I am living my life, completely to the fullest. Right now living my life involves a large amount of alone time, self reflection, and working on being the best "me" I can be. I do not view this as making myself better for someone else. I see this as improving myself to be who I want to be, not waiting on Mr. Right to come out of the woodwork.

I know how many thousands of conversations I had with my closest friends during my twenties about wanting to know when "he" was going to finally show up. I can honestly say, if "he" doesn't appear I'm going to be okay. Forget that. I'm going to be a whole lot better than okay. My self worth does not come from another person, it comes from inside myself. My confidence does not revolve around who I am in a relationship with or how many children I have. My value does not come from what I have or how I can impress people, it comes from how I choose to live my life and what I do to make this world a better place.

It has taken me a long time to finally grasp this concept and truly understand it and most importantly to believe it. If in the future I meet someone who loves me for exactly who I am then I will consider myself extremely lucky, but at no point in time am I going to sacrifice the person I am to be in a relationship just because the world around me thinks that I should be in a relationship.

I would apologize for this post, just in case it offends any of my MWC (married with children) friends, but this was tweeted this morning and I truly agree with it:

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. - Benjamin Disraeli

I tend to be a people pleaser and I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Because of this I tend to get my feelings hurt a lot. I want to make everyone else happy and tend to ignore myself and my own feelings. I have finally realized that I cannot be everything that everyone else wants me to be. I cannot be at every football game, every birthday party, every little thing that goes on in other people's lives. I would love to, but I can't and I have finally come to the point that I am okay with that. If these people love me, for who I am, then they understand that I cannot do everything and they shouldn't expect me to.

What I hope people can understand is that not everyone fits into the mold that you may have for your life. I am glad that so many of my friends have children because whenever I need a baby fix I can get one. I also am glad that they have this so that I can see how wonderful my nice, quiet house is. I don't think that anyone has made a wrong decision in their life. The decisions that you make are what is best for you at the time that you make the decision. Just please understand that the decisions that I have made, while they are not the same as yours, are the best decisions for my life. You do not have to understand my life, but please do not down play it because I do not have the same responsibilities you do. Just because I am not in a relationship or have children does not mean that my life is any less important or stressful or busy or fulfilling than yours.
Because I love quotes and I love Sex and the City I leave you with some good ones:

When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less. Than butterflies...

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

 
And one that I think sums up how I feel about my life and the kind of relationship I want in the future, if it is meant to be:

Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.

Restless

I realized today that I have become very, very restless. I also have realized that I missed two months this summer. I didn't get the pool opened until mid June because of the liner "issue" so I think that was the problem. I also kind of retreated to my little house for a few months and I keep thinking that it is June. Just today I was at a JL thing at the Baby Steps house and we had extra food, one of the girls said we could leave it for the staff to snack on next week and I said, out loud, "do they work in the summer?" Yeah it is August 27, and school is back in session. Good grief.

Back to the restlessness. I don't know what I am so antsy for, but I have just been ready. I have a tendency to live in the future and I'm afraid I am doing that again, what with my big plans for after graduation and all. I am trying to live in the moment, but it has been hard this summer because as busy as I was I didn't really have anything going on. I really just retreated into myself, which I think was a good thing and something I should do from time to time. Now as September approaches, however, everything is starting back. Today was Junior League new member orientation which kicks off the JL season and I know I'm about to be busy with that. School started Monday, though I only have one online class which will be a piece of cake. I'm having a little trouble getting my internship all lined out (which I have to do in the next week so I can get enrolled). Youth will start up again soon. Lots of other stuff is going on at CrossTimbers and that will take some time. Football is a week away.

I know that I am going to blink and it will be June. That equally excites me and terrifies me.

I know that very soon everything is going to change and all the signs are pointing the exact direction of this change, which is really, really exciting. I am going to enjoy the next nine and a half months like they could be my last, because they could be, or at least the last as far as I know it.

A Good Day to be Born

Apparently August 17 is a GREAT day to be born (not as good as August 2, but still pretty good). So here are my birthday shout outs for the day:

Birthday Number One

I must first start with Chase Taylor Pillers. My most favorite baby boy born in August 2010. Chase's mommy and I are good friends and we were just CERTAIN Chase was going to be a Charlotte. We were wrong and that doesn't make me love him any less! (Though I'm going to have to rethink the tea rooms and pedicures for Aunt Wennie bonding experiences!)

A bit of Chase:

He likes to stick his tongue out!

Him and his buddy JJ

A little more recent (I had to shamelessly steal this off Britt's facebook page because his daddy is in the Air Force and they travel a lot, so I don't have a whole lot of pictures of him...I will work on that this year!)

Birthday Number Two

My darling cousin Ryan turned 34 today! We were not close growing up, however in the last few years we have learned that we think entirely too much alike and when together are a force to be reckoned with (which is scary, especially at funerals). There have many many days in the last couple of years that I don't know what I would have done without Ryan-Cousin!

Birthday Number Three

My beautiful Junior League friend Erin also shares this particular birthday. We only met last spring, but I am so so glad to have her in my life!

Birthday Number Four

Last, but certainly not least I must give a birthday shout out to this man (photo shamelessly stolen from his Twitter):

That's right: Mr. Donnie Wahlberg shares this awesome birthday (and birth-month) as well. Favorite New Kid on the Block from WAY back, the most positive individual on earth, Twitter addict and the sexiest cop on tv these days (seriously, watch Blue Bloods, awesome show, awesome cast, Fridays at 9 on CBS!). Mr. Wahlberg is celebrating the second anniversary of his 40th birthday, and I must say, he looks just pretty darn good for this age!

So to you all I hope you had a wonderful birthday today! August pretty much is the best month to be born in! :)

Rushing

One of the best things (if there was a font for sarcasm I would be using it now) about living in a college town is sorority rush. I think they technically call it recruitment now though. I have no problems with those that choose the Greek life, though I was not one of them, lots of people that I love very much were Greek. However rush begins the sad times if you live in a college town. During the summer and at Christmas the town is dead. Traffic is manageable. Stores are empty. Then rush starts, then freshman move in, then all the rest of "them" come back and the town is huge again. Of course with that also comes college football, which I am quite fond of (though I would like a private screening room with climate control).
Nonetheless the students come back and Norman goes back to being a college town. With their impending arrival I've been thinking about the word "rushing" and what it means to me. Rushing to me has nothing to do with walking around to twelve huge houses in 100+ degree weather. The word rush has taken on a whole new meaning that I've been thinking a lot about over the last week.
I rush, a lot. I rush to keep up with other people in my life. And it is ridiculous. I spent my twenties rushing to keep up with the "MWCs" (married with children). I did what I could to do what they did: buying a house, getting the boyfriend that I knew I could marry, and so on. When that didn't all work out I felt like I was back at square one and I was REALLY far behind. Then because I had done all of this I felt like I was stuck in this life that I created.
I tend to be impatient if I want it, then I want it now. I rarely just take time and let life happen, I rush things. That's how I've always been. I have described myself, a lot, as the girl that watches the television show just to get to the end to see the previews for the next week's show. That is just how my life has always been. I always want the best and I want it now. I don't give life time to happen to me I make it happen. To some extent this isn't that bad of a thing because I go after what I want and take it, but it is bad because I am letting life slip by because I am just trying to reach the next goal. This is not to say that having goals is a bad thing, because it isn't. What is a bad thing is thinking that I have to do everything right now.
In reality I'm only 30 and there is a good chance I'm going to be around this world for a few more decades. I don't have to do everything right now. I have some time. I don't have to just do things to mark them off a check list and add to my resume.
It seems like I rush through these things just to sit and wait. In my lovely little town it seems like everyone is married and has kids. I feel like I have to wait for my "real" life to begin and I'm tired of that.
So this is what I am working on (again): living in the moment. Enjoying now for what it is and knowing that I don't have to have everything right now. That being said I have some big plans that I am working on for next year. BIG plans. Some of you have heard about them and some haven't. Since it is SO big I'm not going to talk about it here. I have started another blog that is chronicling them. If you are interested send me a message or leave a comment and I'll send you the link. This is something so big that I am very gently breaking the news to people and I don't want them to just read about it on the internet.
In the last week I have figured out that I haven't dug myself into such a hole that I cannot get out. I am only thirty and I have all the time in the world to get all the things I want in life, even if some of those dreams are quite big. There is plenty of time. I only have myself to answer to and I'm going to start living my life on my terms and by my rules. I have had nothing but positive feedback on this little plan of mine (which is crazy because I think I'm nuts), which is encouraging. Time will tell if I can pull it off, but as the days go by it seems more and more likely that I can. I guess like they say, where there's a will there's a way.
Big things are coming in my life. I've always had a feeling about year 30 and the year 2012. It's going to be big. Very big. And I am beyond excited to see what it has in store for me.

Three-Oh

A few minutes before 6:00 am on August 2, 2011 I will be 30. Not 29 again. Not celebrating the 9th anniversary of my 21st birthday. I will be 30.

To say that this particular little birthday has brought up some interesting feelings would be an understatement. I have gotten all kinds of introspective and sentimental and all that blah blah stuff. I have been thinking about the last decade and the one that is coming up and have realized a lot of things.

For starters I welcomed my twenties with an amazing 12 year old staying up late, baking me a cake, decorating her house and having everything ready for me when I arrived at work that morning. I didn't have too many expectations on my twenties (besides eagerly awaiting my 21st birthday!) and I certainly wasn't thinking about 30 at the time.

Following the big 2-1 the next big one was 25. I had a wonderful 25th birthday party. We had a fabulous table at Cafe Nova, which had recently opened. I had tons of close friends there. I know for a fact if I was thinking about it I would have told you that night, without a shadow of a doubt, that by the time I was 30 I would have been married and had my two perfect children. I was quite certain of this plan and I wasn't worried about it. I wanted what everyone else in my world seemed to have: husband and kids. It felt like that was the only choice in life, first comes love, then comes marriage then comes the baby carriage.

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse with this subject because it seems all my blog posts somehow go back to how I feel so different from everyone else and how I feel so far behind. I am 30 years old and I am not married and I am okay with that. Sometimes it is hard watching everyone else catching all the dreams that I want. Sometimes it is really easy, knowing that I get to sleep in when I want and that I don't have to ask anyone's permission to go on a trip and other things of that sort. It is quite nice being only responsible for myself and completely being on my own.

I have my hands completely full for the upcoming year. I work, I go to school, I have an internship to complete, I am a chair for Junior League, I do a lot at church and I am committed to starting this non profit I keep mentioning. I was really busy last year and the next one is going to be just as busy. The trick this year is finding the balance between all the activities in my life and being who I am and being happy with that person. That is the key thing that I didn't get right last year.

Last summer I read Eat, Pray, Love for book club. If you haven't read it or seen the movie Liz Gilbert aims to achieve three things in a year: understand pleasure, understand spirituality and then to find the balance between the two and the balance in her life overall. While I was reading the book I had a friend tell me that I was having such a hard time with the India (Pray) section because that's where I was. Pray was all about finding who you are and how that fits into the universe, which is certainly what I was doing last year.

Now is the time for Bali. It is the time to find love. And when I say love I don't mean falling head over heels with some boy, though I might not say no to the right one. When I say Bali and love and balance I mean balance within myself. I love everything that I am doing however sometimes it feels like too much and I can't see how I am ever going to be able to all that I want to do with my life and still find that Prince Charming and have a child. I know that some things will fall away, like school will be done in May, but I will replace them with other things. The challenge will be finding the balance to my activities along with the things that I do for myself.

So what does all of this mean? It means I have set some lofty goals for myself in my thirtieth year and I have some high expectations of my thirties in general.

In the next year I will...
...be happy, I will smile more, I will worry less, I will have fun, I won't care what other people think of me, I will enjoy being by myself, I will enjoy the people I know are my real friends, I will continue the journey that I have started recently, I will start a non profit, I will finish my Masters, I will go on a cruise or two and I'm sure I will do a million more things than that.

In my thirties I will...
...change people's lives, I will become a mother, I will fall head over heels in love, I will get out of debt (hopefully completely, houses and all), I will buy a new car (hopefully an Audi :)), I will go to Italy and Ireland and as many other places as I can think of that I want to go, I might live in New York for awhile, I will do all the things that I have been too scared to do, I will Tweet more and Facebook less, I will write more and hopefully be published, I will have a blog that lots of people all over the world read all the time, I will take more pictures and slow down and enjoy life more, I will realize that this is the only life on this earth that I have and I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can, I will not take for granted the days that I have been given and will do everything in my power to make my own life and as many other people's as possible better, I will speak up for people who don't have voices in the masses, and I will be happy.

So those are my challenges to myself. Months ago I found this on the Tiffany's facebook page and it just seemed so perfect, so I saved it and held onto it for this particular post:

So for the next year, the next decade and all the days of my life I will do all of these things, every day and not just on my birthday.

Another little irony happened last night as I was writing my last academic paper of my twenties. I put on my study playlist, because New Kids on the Block was not cutting it for study time, and the first song that came on was this, which I have decided is going to be my theme song for the year (which also comes from my favorite movie):