Subject Matter Expert

This is a term I have heard at work in regards to someone who is extremely knowledgeable in a particular field of interest. I have found out recently that I am actually a subject matter expert about something: CRAZY WOMEN.

Yes, yes, friends I am a recovering crazy woman. It wasn't all that long ago that I wrote pages and pages and pages of lamented, loving bullshit to an ex.

As I mentioned in the previous post my relationship history has not been exemplary. The good news is that I've learned a lot and grown up a lot since that time (I was 27, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it).

I have been the girl who calls and texts five million times just to get my point across.

I have been the girl that drives by your house just to see if you're home and feels a closeness just by seeing your car.

I have been the girl that wrote EIGHT SINGLE SPACED TYPED PAGES of ways to 'fix' our relationship entitled "What I Want..." (sister, if it takes you EIGHT SINGLE SPACED TYPED PAGES to fix the relationship you should probably not BE in the relationship)

Tonight I wanted to go back in time and slap my former self. Real hard. Like real, real, real hard.

Oh my geezes.

While cleaning out drawers in my kitchen I found a stack of papers. All the things I wrote (typed) and printed fundamentally presenting my case as to why my ex and I should get back together.

This was painful to read. Honestly I couldn't read all of it. I was so incredibly sad for the person writing it and while I knew it was me that had written it, my writing style, my tone, my words, my thoughts, my feelings, it was like a slap in the face of the person I've become.

Let me just give you an excerpt so you know the level of crazy I'm talking about here:

"Relationships aren't always easy and you're not always going to be happy every minute of the day. The same things happens when you are not in a relationship. That's just the way life is, there are good days and there are bad, there are good weeks and months and even years, but there can also be bad ones. Just because things get hard doesn't mean you should give up. I have grown so much over the last several weeks. [Editor's note: NO I HADN'T] I finally understand w here the problems we have come from. It has nothing to do with our relationship, [Editor's note: um...hello EIGHT TYPED PAGES] the baggage we brought into the relationship caused the problems, not the other way around."

 No, no, no, no, no, no.

Just no.

There are pages of this. Pages. I even have one set that I put page numbers on.

If I met someone who did this now I would pray for her and tell her to get out, not because I've been there, but because it's CRAZY. Crazy might be a harsh word to describe someone who has just gotten their heart smashed to pieces, but since it was me I feel pretty confident that I can use the term.

The truth of the matter is that this girl wasn't crazy. She was codependent and unaware what love really meant. She had found what she wanted to be love because she didn't know any better and when everything went spiraling out of control she did whatever she could to hold onto it, even if some of that behavior was a bit 'over the top.'

Reading through this I realize the things I desired from the relationship weren't that unrealistic, to be honest, however if I have to write down on paper that I need you to be kind to me and respect me after being together for a significant amount of time then we really shouldn't have been together. Obviously I'm not letting him off the hook, he did some bad things, but I let him, over and over, I let him treat me this way. I was so insecure and had such low self esteem that this is what I thought I deserved and didn't think I could find anyone else and could not bear to be alone. Knowing the person I am now I have tears in my eyes because I know that was true.

Someone who has just gotten to know me in the last few years will know a confident, secure, matter of fact, sarcastic person who would talk to the president the same way she talks to her best friend. A person who can command a room (when she's in a comfortable place). A person who smiles and laughs and is really funny.

The girl who wrote those papers I found was none of those things. But the things is, she was. Underneath all of that she was all those things, she just forgot. Bad relationship after bad relationship made her doubt who she was. She found her self worth through the eyes of someone else. She did not have the courage to get out of the relationship because her value only came as being the other half of a 'we'.

I'm glad I don't do those things anymore, but I'm also glad that I went through that period of time. I'm glad to be a survivor of that because I can help others. I can see that behavior in others and try to knock them out of it. Granted I have to remember how well I took these conversations when they were had with me at the time and show a little bit of grace.

I truly believe if I was to share some of these very private words with people who know me better than anyone else, but did not go through that season with me, they would think either I was writing fiction or I was showing them something someone else wrote. That is a completely surreal feeling.

If you are in a relationship that you have to fight for more than you enjoy, trust me, you shouldn't be in it. And that's okay. I am here to tell you, you WILL survive it and you will be so much better for everything you went through. Relationships, whether romantic or otherwise, should bring out the very best in you. A person that is good for you will make you be you-er than you've ever realized you could be. They will love every little quirk about you and not want to change one because they love YOU. They will make your face light up and give you a little twinkle in your eye.

But the thing is, you have to love you first. Love is an inside job, and until you love you then you won't be able to be loved the way you so very much deserve to be.

Standards (OR Terms and Conditions to Date Me)

The photograph above is a list that I made about 3 years ago with a few girlfriends of what I wanted in a husband. In case you can't read my scribble, and the fact it was written on a dry erase board that has been in and out of a cabinet I will type it here for you:

• Christian
• Bachelor's, Masters preferred
• OU Fan, no orange allowed!
• Must understand JL &Tiffany's
• Christian Grey type talent Ch. 12 & pg 118
• Job that doesn't move
• Independent
• Wants kids
• Spontaneous
• Preference: Never married, no kids
• Positive Personality
• Romantic
• Knows wine
• Likes to travel
• Respects women & friendships
• No debt
• Confident
• Nice smile
• Clean cut
• No tattoos
• Professional job
• Rich
• Older than me
• Blue eyes

WOW-ZA! (and yes we had all just finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey when this was created...)

Let's be honest, this isn't a checklist of all the required prerequisites for me to be attracted/date/marry someone. This is the wish list! These are the things I would pick if I was going into the Build a Boyfriend store...that's a thing right? They just don't have them in Oklahoma, like Ikea? 

I digress, a lot. A few years and a lot of life removed from this list there are some additions and some subtractions that I would make to this list. The specifics aren't particularly important, and the order of importance isn't particularly either, however a few things will be touched upon here.

Let me paint a picture of my life a few years ago, wants, desires, etc.

A few years ago I wanted two things: get married and have kids. That was it. Then that didn't happen like I so meticulously planned. There is this funny thing that I have learned in the last few years: people other than yourself get a say in the plans for their lives. 

Seriously? Who would have thought? CLEARLY I know better what would make a great life than the people affected by it.

No?

What I realized, however, is that I didn't even know what would make a great life for me. I learned that controlling people isn't very fun for the other person and that it's really not all that fun for you because they end up resenting you and not really liking you for who you are, because who you are isn't really all that great.

I had to take a big ol' swallow of the truth about codependency. This might be my favorite word to throw around these days (okay the last 5-6 years), trust me I have a friend or two that probably want to throw me for using it around them! (you know who you are) If you are not familiar with this term it came about around the time alcoholism became a recognized disease. It was found that spouses and children of alcoholics exhibited certain behaviors to deal with their alcoholic loved one. Enabling is a big one. Desiring to change the loved one is another. 

I once cried through an AlAnon meeting because it hit so close to home. I didn't have an alcoholic in my life, however the struggles that these people were facing were my struggles. I was doing the same things. I had been living in unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationships for a long time. There is no need to call out particular individuals in this because it doesn't matter, but it wasn't exclusively in romantic relationships. Throughout my life these toxic relationships were present. I handled things the only way I knew how: by attempting to control the situation to give myself a sense of control when things were very, very clearly out of control.

These are things that are hard to swallow. They aren't fun. They don't give you warm and fuzzy feelings. They hurt. They make you cry. They make you feel guilty when you realize what you put others through without realizing you were doing it. They make you question every little thing about your being and your ability to be in a relationship...even six years later.

As time passed and I took a few counseling classes in grad school, had some incredible friends that I still occasionally send a random text thanking them for putting up with me during that time, and a lot of time and soul searching I think I've got the codependency thing under control.

There's one fundamental problem with that though: I have not been in a relationship since the one where I was so very codependent. 

Want to know why? 

Well for starters (and my most favorite reason (read: excuse) to give) no one is asking. I use this one all the time, and it's true, no one is asking. Does this make me feel sad and depressed and like a loser? No not really. I have an incredibly full life and for someone to be in my life in a romantic way something else would have to give. Until very, very recently I wasn't willing to give anything up to make someone fit. Am I now? Maybe, but I'm still not 100% sure. I think I'd at least give it a shot though.

There's another fundamental reason: I AM SCARED SHITLESS. Like for serious. Have I really grown enough that I won't be codependent again? Is it possible for me to be in a healthy relationship? I mean I know what they're supposed to look like, but will I get completely enveloped with someone and get hurt like that again? I don't know, and that scares me. As previously mentioned, I have some control issues. They are a lot better than they once were, but I can control the situation of dating a lot better if I just don't do it than I can getting someone else involved.

Am I missing out on something?

Maybe. Well, probably. 

Would I be willing to jump off the dock and take the risk?

For the right guy 100% yes. However, in the last few years and with everything I've learned I've come up with some Terms and Conditions, shall we say. These are the standards which I will hold anyone I date to. They are not meant to be an ultimatum or an attempt to change someone. It simply means, if you are not able to live up to these standards then we don't need to be in a relationship, the end. Nothing mean, nothing controlling, just simply for me to be happy with myself in a relationship there are a few things that a suitor (isn't that a lovely word?) needs to be on board with.

The first thing, because I think it's the most important to me, is monogamy. I have done the 'fun, let's hook up and not be serious and just flit around' thing. And yes, it WAS fun. There is a thrill that comes with meeting someone at a party and never seeing them again or having a number you can call at the end of a night out, but I am past that point in my life. If someone was to come along that only wanted that then we're not going to be compatible, and THAT'S OKAY. I swear, I don't want to change anyone, however, for me to be able to look at myself in the mirror, I need that. If that's not who you are then that's not who you are, but we won't work. I would rather be alone than be cheated on again. Period.

Another thing, I need fun and excitement and spontaneity because I'm really, really, really bad at all three of those things. Well, that's not entirely fair, I am a fun person, however I get major tunnel vision and forget that having fun is an important part of life, so having someone in my life constantly making me throw out my calendar or making me do something crazy is not such a bad thing. 

Independence. Pretty much the opposite of codependency. Go, have your own life. That is awesome with me, so long as I get to have my own life and I'm doing it. I have been so wound up in someone else's story that I forgot to continue writing my own and that's a bad, bad deal. This is not to say that cowriting a story won't be awesome, but I need to have my own story independent of you and you need to have your own story independent of me and the way we merge those stories together is where the magic is. I need my own friends. You need your own friends. We need to be away from each other, that is okay. In fact, that's awesome.

(You may have realized I have started typing as if I am talking to potential suitors...didn't really intend to do that, but we'll just go with it)

Kids. Man this is a hard subject. For so many years the desire of kids was a non negotiable, but the older I get the more it is. I waver on this more that I probably admit to most anyone. Can I picture a life without kids? A few years ago I couldn't, but now that picture is getting clearer. I could completely see myself ending up with someone who either already has kids from a previous relationship and doesn't want more or doesn't want kids at all. It's easy to picture what a life of soccer games and dance class looks like, but the idea of not having that is a little fuzzier though it is coming into focus. It would be a life of sleeping in on Saturday mornings, traveling whenever we want, no weekends spent at a ballpark, no sleepless nights, money to spend on what we want. It's not really all that bad of a life, huh? Not dissing all my lovely parent friends, but just saying there is another option to life and frankly there are so many kids that need homes that having kids can have a different look. Ultimately, this rational allows for freedom: freedom to make that choice together instead of forcing an idea on someone (Look at that loss of control! Aren't you proud?!?)

And how am I going to meet this person?

I don't know. I really don't. Maybe I already know him, he's a close friend or someone I've met in passing through a friend. Maybe he's someone I'll meet at a book store in NYC. I don't know. Maybe he doesn't exist. I accept this is a possibility, however I hold out hope that's it's not a very realistic possibility. Hope is pretty much an awesome thing. I could go off on why I don't do the online dating thing, but your eyes are probably tired from reading so I won't go there, but I have my reasons and I'm sure I'll write about them later, just remember just because everyone else is doing it doesn't mean I have to (and a lot of times is the easiest way to get me to do the opposite).

I say all of this to get to this, priorities change through the years, months, weeks, and sometimes from day to day. In the end I want to find Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now, and I want to settle down, but I am never, ever going to settle. Settling is not an option for me. I know, for a fact, I can have a wonderful life if I don't find someone who can live up to what I want, what I need, out of a relationship (the stuff with lots of words, not the stuff on that list, though if you know a guy that fits all those send him my way...email address is on the right). It's really not as complicated as I make it out to be in my mind, when it comes down to it: don't cheat, be fun, be independent, and we'll figure out the kids thing together. (There are a few obvious ones from that list at the top too, but I don't think they need an explanation and we'll let you figure them out on your own :-p)

Pretty simple, huh? I think so...I know I've always wanted to find a unicorn, how about you?

I hope you enjoyed me diving back into writing, from the heart, and hopefully there will be more of this popping up on here, because I really do enjoy it.

Until next time...

I Love My Church

Since, for the most part, CrossTimbers has taken up the majority of my time (when not at the real job) it seems like the perfect place to start writing again.

A few moons ago I wrote a post and said that I chose to leave religion out of my blog. I had a million reasons why I did that. Being separated from that moment in time I can't seem to think of one. I'm sure it had a lot to do with not being entirely certain of my faith at the time. Not wanting to offend people probably was in there. Certainly I didn't want to start any arguments. Now, though, I don't really care. This is MY blog and my faith and my church is extremely important to me. If you don't like it, leave. Plain and simple. I don't want to argue. I don't want to try to change your mind. I simply want to tell my story. The one that I am living. I hope you will stay and read, but if you chose not to, well that's okay too. (Check back though, I'm sure there will be silly and frivolous posts coming soon too).

And on we go.

So I love my church. Plain and simple. We are in a campaign at CT that is called "I Love My Church." I didn't steal the idea, I really do love it.

Last week I was working in Lawton and was talking to a friend who simply asked "Why church?" I gave the answer, which I will give throughout this post, but I've spent the last eight days really thinking about that simple two word question.

My journey to get to CrossTimbers and become the person that I am wasn't exactly easy. It wasn't quick. I fought and fell and screwed up to get there and to stay there. I tried to run away, more than once, but ultimately something about this place and this faith grabbed me and wouldn't let go, no matter how I struggled against it.

I came to CrossTimbers about three months after my engagement was called off. I was a broken shell of a person. Everything I had built my life around had been taken from me. Thankfully I was able to retain a few amazing friends who never gave up on me. I also had one person who I met very quickly who was still floating around in facebook-land. I cannot thank God enough for Jennifer. From a simple conversation nine months before to an invitation on facebook on my birthday she was the catalyst to who I have become.

I went to a women's group event on a Saturday. I liked all the girls. Sunday I walked into worship where most everyone was in jeans and there were drums and loud contemporary music. I almost walked out, but I didn't. Thankfully I really hate hurting people's feelings. Chris did his sermon and I was hooked.

I promised I would not get overinvolved. Even going so far as to text my best friend that very statement as I am getting in my car to drive to the new building to set up. The next week I suggested a prayer card ministry, and as they say, the rest was history.

My journey at CT hasn't always been uphill. I fell more than once. In the past when that would happen I would be reprimanded, judged and embarassed or angry. Places I had been active at prior to CT were never home. They never had a feeling of unconditional love. This is something that I can say CrossTimbers excels in.

I worried for nearly three years that the other shoe would drop. That I would do something that was just bad enough that I would be pushed aside. In situations similar to this in the past I would push myself to a point that I was doing things simply so that I was doing so much that they couldn't get rid of me.

I feared being abandoned. {This fear was pointed out to me last week and I've been realizing lately just how true it is}

When I turned thirty I made up my mind that I needed an adventure. A big one. I was going to move to New York for a year. It seemed like the best solution. If my friends were moving on with their lives and leaving me behind (which is what it felt like, not how it actually was) then I would just get a head start. I would run before I was abandoned.

Then I realized that I was running again. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't, but I was.

I hadn't made my decision when I made a week and a half long trip to Manhattan just so I could know for sure. As he was driving me to the airport Chris simply said, remember that New York doesn't have CrossTimbers.

Two years of grad school had flown by taking my time and my energy. CT was growing and with that came more activities. I so desperately wanted everything to fall into place in my "five year plan" in Junior League.

I was tired.

I had a glorious time in NYC. I got to run around the city by myself and decompress. I came home and had big decisions to make. I was certain that moving was not the answer. Sure I'd had ten days of making my own schedule and not being overbooked, but, in my heart, I knew that if I moved I would do the same thing again, just with a different church, a different League, and with different people.

Location wasn't what had to change. I was what had to change.

In a conversation with Chris I mentioned that I really wanted to be in a relationship, like really badly. Then when asked my favorite part of my trip I said being on my own.

Contradict myself much?

It was as if I was wanting what everyone else had and neglecting what actually was making me happy. I wanted to put myself in the same box as everyone else because that's what I felt I should do. That being said, Chris gave me a deadline. He said I would fall in love by July.

Awesome.

I liked how he thought. I now had a set time that I could wait for. Eight months wasn't so long. I could SO do this.

I put my new countdown date on my countdown clock on my phone (along with my vesting date at work, my vacation, and graduation). I counted down the days.

In July we did a series called "Confessions of a Leader." Chris preached two weeks then Jason then myself. I talked about running, both in the physical and the emotional sense. I had realized that running to New York was not the answer to my problem. I loved CrossTimbers and I loved all the things that we were doing. The people we were reaching. The ministry that was occuring. The changes that were taking place in my life.

That one Sunday, though I'd written the sermon a month before, changed everything. That was the day that I made the commitment to the entire congregation, and to myself, that I wanted to make CrossTimbers the best place it could be.

That was July 29, 2012. Two days after that my countdown to falling in love ran out.

That was an extremely busy and amazing week. We pulled off the most amazing VBS. It touched the kids and it touched the adults. I watched transformations occur among the people of CrossTimbers. People who didn't want to be involved were singing and dancing with the kids. People who thought they'd just drop their kids off were in costumes leading groups by the end of the week. There were God sightings everywhere.

It was amazing.

I had to share my birthday with VBS which initially I was not thrilled with. I can say, without a doubt, it was the best birthday ever. I could not imagine being with anyone else but my CrossTimbers family on that day.

So, we all survived VBS. We had an amazing "box Olympics" with the youth to clean up after it. (CT people: ask Chris about the gymnastics).

Then Monday came.

The chaos had gone and I was alone. I'll admit it was nice, but I had to start making some big decisions. I was slated to be the Community Vice President for Junior League this year. I knew there was no way I could do it. I love the League, but it just wasn't what I was supposed to be doing. It took the entire week for me to get the courage to write the resignation letter, send it to the president and tell my close League friends what I had done.

I felt awful. I felt like a quitter. I generally will tough through stuff so that I don't let people down. I knew I couldn't do that this time and I knew that it was in the best interest for everyone involved for me to resign. I still felt awful.

When I'm having a bad day I drive. I found myself in Oklahoma City, close to the Devon Tower. Now, Devon is not exactly the skyscrappers of NYC, but it's the closest thing I can get to in my car, thus I tend to flock to downtown OKC just to be in the presence of tall buildings.

While driving around I drove by the Jaguar dealership. I have wanted a Jag, specifically an XK8, since I was in high school (yeah, yeah, Ryan Phillippe in Cruel Intentions caused that). As I passed the cars I realized that if I had the $75,000 to spend on the car of my dreams I wouldn't do it. If I had an extra $75,000 lying around I would give it to CrossTimbers. That is how much I believe in what we are doing.

So that got me thinking. I had this plan for working up to a full 10% tithe. I was starting simply because I didn't want to bust my budget. The more I drove and the more I thought the more I realized that if I wanted God to bless me at CT I needed to start trusting Him with the one thing I held the tightest: finances.

I made the decision to put it all in God's hands. From the next paycheck on I have given a full 10%. It is weird how things fall into place when you just start to trust God. Even though I have a tenth less money each month it somehow works out. I haven't had to worry about finances since then.

Over the days following that I started to think about my July 31st countdown (as it had now started to count up on my phone). I almost called Chris out saying that I didn't fall in love.

That's when I realized it.

I had fallen in love.

Head over heels, in fact.

It wasn't with a guy though (and not with a girl either, get your minds out of the gutter!)

I had fallen in love with CrossTimbers, with what we are doing there and with God all over again.

That moment changed me.

Never in a million years did I expect to be someone that people looked up to in the church, but that's who I've become.

Never in a million years did I expect to really know the Bible, but that's what I strive for.

Never in a million years did I think I would want to do this "church" thing full time, but now I can't think of anything else I would rather do, when the time is right.

I could list for you a million reasons I love my church.

I could start with the names of each and every single member.

I can name an amazing ministry that cares for CT and what I've seen God do at CrossTimbers because of it and how He has worked magic in the lives of those that are part of it.

I could tell stories of how lives have been changed, and saved, at CrossTimbers.

I could talk about people who had never walked in the door of a church and now are there every Sunday without fail.

I could tell about people who had just about given up on church until they came to CrossTimbers.

I could tell you about the confidence that I get by Chris trusting me with some extremely important ministries.

I can tell you about people that you would never think could ever be friends bonding over Bible studies.

I could name a group that needed a place to meet that has turned into an incredible ministry bringing people to God.

I can tell you how I used to breeze in late so that I would avoid greeters and get to sleep a little later to now getting there an hour before my Sunday morning group starts.

I could tell you about watching the faces of the kids coming through the Communion line getting bread (and sometimes juice) and watching the moment that they "get" what they're doing.

I could name a lot of little faces that call me Wennie or Wewe.

I could tell you of people who have had to move, due to their jobs, that post how much they miss it.

I can see it in the smiles, and the tears, and the laughter, and the prayers.

When someone asks me about CrossTimbers they get an invitation to come. Whoever they are, whatever they believe.

CT is like no other church I have ever been to. We're not perfect, but we strive to be the best that we can and it is something that you see anytime you see someone from CrossTimbers.

I read a book last summer by Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz. I love this quote:

I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes.

After that I liked jazz music.

Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.

I truly hope that every part of my being shows that I love my church and I love God. I strive to show God's love through this amazing little church in a strip mall in southeast Moore. I strive to show God's love through everything I do. I know I'm not perfect. I know there are things I can do better, but the most amazing thing about my God is that He loves me anyway. He loves me when I'm getting it right and when I could do a little better. My church is the same way. We don't allow perfect people to walk in the door (well I guess we would if we ever found one!). We embrace imperfections and quirks. That's what makes us who we are. There is room for everyone. I want everyone who walks in the doors of CrossTimbers to feel like it is home and that they are being asked into a family. Too many times I have felt unwelcome at churches and I strive to make sure that CrossTimbers is not like that. No one will be turned away.

So, to answer the simple question "Why church?" Because I love it.

Best Week Ever

Seriously this was the best week ever.

It all started last Sunday morning. I closed out our sermon series Confessions of a Leader. I told the story of how I started at CT and what made me scared and all of that (I will post it if I can't get the audio to rip, but something will happen with that). It was incredible. I talked about running (or more accurately how much I hate running, the physical kind). Just before I went up Ryan told me to knock 'em dead (I didn't cry). I made it through pretty well, apparently I talked a little fast at first, but slowed down and hit a rhythm. I got choked up, but managed to recover (though Chris got up to console me if needed, which would have made the crying absolutely worse!). Every word that I said I meant. I truly, honestly and completely love CrossTimbers with all of my heart. The things that God is doing through CT to further His kingdom truly amazes me every day. The communion song was Chris and Ryan playing my absolute favorite song in the entire world: Run by Collective Soul. I don't think this is the best video, but hopefully you get the idea of how incredible these two are.

I got big hugs afterwards and made a few people cry, which pretty much made me cry, but they were all good tears!

After worship was done it was time to start VBS! We started in on set up, which lasted until youth. Then we had potluck and more VBS set up. It was a really, really long day, but was absolutely INCREDIBLE.

I won't lie, it took me awhile to get geared up for VBS, but in the last few months (and all the realizations I've had during those months) I completely got on board, although I was happy to have a bit more of an administrative role this year than being directly with the kids! Sweet Becky went home and got her camera and took incredible photos throughout the week.

The adults pretty much ran on caffeine and cookies all week (thank you to Nikki for fabulous homemade ones!). The Fort was our sanctuary from the kids (and hiding spot for the cookies). I enjoyed kidnapping my sweet baby boys each night and throwing them around. I loved every moment of interacting with the big kids and the itty bitty kids and the amazing youth that helped us as well.

When I got home the facebooking started! We posted some photos from the evening (including a rather amusing photo of Pastor Chris) and everyone was commenting and posting statuses about how much fun we were having.

Tuesday and Wednesday were just as incredible. There were moments when I saw God's work so crystal clear. We had the kids do "God sightings" and the things that they saw and watching them see these things truly warmed my heart every single day. Watching them sing praise and dance and have fun did too. It was amazing to see that God wasn't just working in the kids' hearts, but in the adults as well. When I was going through the photos from the week the smiles on the adults faces were just as big as the ones plastered on the kids' faces. People's lives were changed this week, I have no doubt.

Thursday was my concern early in the VBS process: my birthday. I am generally a very giving person with my time, but I tend to be pretty darn selfish on my birthday and I didn't really want to share it! I'm SO glad that I did!

I can honestly say I cannot fathom a better birthday! It started out at 12:06 am when Chris and Jennifer called to be the first to wish me happy birthday! (I finished all CT work at 11:59, by the way). I got to sleep in! I had a serious God sighting with that: I put my phone on silent, but forgot to turn my alarm off (the alarm will sound even if the phone is on silent) and it either did not go off or did not wake me up...GO GOD! I got up and was kidnapped by my sweet Katie-friend for yummy sushi at a place I had never been and wrapped up with cheesecake!

She dropped me off at home and I got ready to head to CT after responding to all the incredible messages on facebook. It was nice to have a few moments of quiet at CT before the fun started again!

This was when I realized the AMAZING people I have chosen to surround myself with. As I was getting all the name tags ready my sweet friends flooded me with gifts and sweet cards. Some of the gifts were hilarious, as were the fabulous cards (especially the ones from the kiddos). I love that I have found an amazing church family where I can be exactly who I am without any fear of judgment. These are people who know me and love me for exactly who I am. All of the fears that I've had about church before are completely irrelevant at CT.

After an incredible time at VBS (and the totally awkward feeling of being the first to leave CT) we headed to the Mont for the traditional birthday dinner and drinks. I had incredible friends that came out. It was a wonderful time to relax and chat after such a long week at VBS.

Friday was a relatively slow day (since I was off work again). We had some stuff come up with a CT member or two and I was once again reminded how we come together if one of us is in trouble or has something happen. I was honestly sad that it was Friday and it was the last day of VBS. It was so incredible to see the lasting changes that have been made in the lives of the people of CT.

Saturday was filled with pool cleaning, Tucker Farley-kins' birthday party and then round two of my birthday. It ended up being wonderful, as I had a bunch of friends come over, but they came in shifts it seemed so I was able to focus on everyone and it didn't stress me out!

Today the best week ever came to an end, or so I thought! Pretty much this best week ever has so far carried into the next week. I stole my JJ who saw that I had cake and said "gimme cake" pretty much the cutest thing ever!

After that we tore down VBS, did some other CT stuff and it was time for youth, which was, as usual, amazing. I cried, but this time it was out of tears of laughter! Seriously best group of kids and leaders you can imagine.

I am on such a high of CT (I guess I've really been there for about seven months) and I just can't get enough. I am so in love with all the amazing things that we are able to do to further God's work here. I can't wait to see what He has in store for us next!

Story Telling

I saw this on Pinterest a bit ago and it really fits with what I've been reading lately and just in general what I've been feeling. Oh, hello blog world, I suppose I'm back, we'll see how that goes and maybe you'll get an update on where I've been later, but for now I have a mild rant.

So this quote above talks about the story that we tell with our lives. You can take this from a religious standpoint or not, either way we only have one life and one fabulous story to tell. So over the last month I have read a couple of books by Donald Miller (LOVE. HIM.). The first was Blue Like Jazz (I promise I'll do book reviews again soon too...it is summer, there has been lots of reading!). This was his memoir about when he was college age. I would call him a writer who is Christian, not a Christian writer, but in the book he talks about friends he had who were not Christian and how he interacted with them. Pretty awesome. So after that came out some movie people found it and say "hey, let's make a movie out of this." What followed was him having to write the story of his life over, in the form of a screenplay for this movie. He then wrote A Million Miles in a Thousand Years about what it is like to rewrite the story of your life.

This book got me thinking. A lot. We all have a story to tell. We all have things that happen in our lives that intertwine with others' stories, leading to one great big story. While we sometimes like to forget that we're not the main character in our own movie it is kind of refreshing to realize what an impact our life has on the overall story of the world. The question then becomes what kind of story do you want to write with your life?

Let's take me, for example. I am thirty and single. Of my close friends I am one of very few that is not married and does not have kids. Both of these are things that I want, but that's not how my story has unfolded. I had all the plans in the world to make these happen, but that's not what happened. For awhile I was sad about this and I would compare my story to everyone else's and think that mine wasn't as good and wasn't as meaningful, but that's just not true. In the last thirty years (almost thirty one!) I have accomplished quite a lot. Rather than sitting around and waiting for my story to get going like everyone else's I have chosen to live my story.

When talking about what I have accomplished in my life with a friend last week, I said simply "well what else have I had to do with my life?" I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I try to rush things along because I do want the husband and the kids, but every little thing that has brought me to this point has mattered. And you know what, I have a GREAT story to tell. I have had amazing experiences with amazing people. Some of the chapters are sad and some are silly, but they all come together to make the book that is me, and I'm not even close to done with that book!

I'm not really sure at what point in life I became such an optimist, it really feels quite odd, but it's kind of becoming true. I think that comes along with being happy in life. Novel concept really. I am in such a good place right now. I haven't accomplished all that I want to accomplish, I still want to get married and have kids, but when I look back I don't feel like any of the time I have not had those things, no matter how long my friends have, I have not wasted any time. My time is extremely valuable to me and I do good things with it. Sure I am an introvert and tend to enjoy weekend nights home by myself, but that's a choice. It's just that I don't want to go out all the time. I love spending time with friends, but I enjoy spending time at home too, it's how I recharge myself to do all the things that I do throughout the week.

At some point in the future (no guesses on specific times) there will probably come a time when I meet someone that I want to settle down with. I look back at who I've date or who I've wanted to date (that's an interesting trip down memory lane!) and realize that if I thought those people were special the person that I actually fall for will be spectacular. The difference between that future relationship and those that I've had in the past will be the sum of all the chapters of life that I've had to this point. I have learned from my mistakes and hopefully will have a nice stable, healthy relationship (I hear that is actually possible!).

In the meantime I'm not going to let my age, location and marital status define who I am. If you don't like that I'm thirty, live in the Bible belt and am not married then frankly I have little use for you in my life. If you don't like that I'm thirty, own my own home, have a Masters and can take care of myself, then I don't have room for you either. I like who I am. I like what I've accomplished. And I like that my story has had highs and lows, I am thankful for each one because they have made me the strong person I am today.

So go out into the world and tell an amazing story with your life. It doesn't have to be over the top, just meaningful to you!

Tick Tock

Tonight was one of those bittersweet evenings spent in a hometown.

I came to Ardmore for Landon's graduation (which I made it through with no tears I might add), but it ended up being a reunion of sorts with several people.

First off I walked in and saw all of the Riggle clan, which was to be expected, but before I got too far into the convention center I met up with my middle school, high school, and still best friend Crystal (who used to babysit Landon and was the one that brought him to our Stage Crafts class most of the time we were in high school). We were sat with Lisa's high school choir so that we could be close to the action. The girl sitting next to me, a freshman will be sophomore, asked how we knew Lisa and we admitted that we were alumni. She then asked if we were best friend types that were in choir together or the enemy types. Crystal piped up that we've been best friends since sixth grade. It is hard to believe that almost twenty years have passed since we were stuck in charm school together and were bonded every since. She is now married with two little boys (who are eerily similar to Reece and Landon) and about to start her last year of nursing school. We realized how quickly the time has passed and that we're going to blink and we'll be watching her youngest graduate.

After I hugged the graduate, chatted with Lisa and Randle, and dropped off the graduation gift I headed to the local pizza kitchen to listen to my friend Tyler play. (Side note: my dear cousin was SUPPOSED to meet me there, but he went home to "rest" following two pitchers of margaritas and I guess rested too hard, so I got stood up...BAD cousin!) As I'm sitting there listening to Tyler play and eating pizza alone (real bad cousin) I couldn't help but think of when I first met Tyler. He had just finished his freshman year of high school and played on the tennis team with Haley. It was one of the many summers I kept her and they were living in a house that had a tennis court next door, so Tyler and another friend would come down to play tennis (and maybe because Haley was really pretty) and I got to know him pretty well. He has grown up (way up, he's really tall) to be a great friend and a talented musician.

As Tyler and Meredith were wrapping up (and the restaurant was closing at 10:00...on a Friday...got to love small towns) in walks a darling young lady named Taylor who was headed to the bar next door and happened to see me through the window. Even more memories came flooding back with this one. Starting around fifth grade she was Haley's best friend and lived around the corner. Many days I showed up in the morning and had not one, but two babysitting charges. Taylor has grown up into a beautiful woman with a wonderful husband and and adorable daughter. I met up with them after I talked to Tyler at the new bar next door (kind of forgot I was in Ardmore actually!) and she bought me a glass of wine. Crazy that I'm old enough (by two years) to have my former babysitting charges buying me drinks!

On the way home I was driving a road that I've driven thousands of times before, but memory after memory kept hitting my brain: trig homework at Melissa's, trying to build an airplane at JR's grandparents', pretending a baby doll was a real baby to fool everyone with Lexi, and a million more. I realized just how quickly time is passing. I wouldn't trade my life for anything, but it's amazing how fast the clock is ticking.

As I said to the young lady sitting next to me at graduation, the best is yet to come, but that doesn't mean it won't be hard. High school is wonderful and are memories that I deeply treasure. I also told her to take more pictures than she takes now (she said she took a lot, but I said to take more!). I wish I had more photos from high school, and college, and every part of my life. I still have every memory etched in my brain though.

I probably didn't think thirteen years ago when I graduated that I would be back in Ardmore for Landon's graduation or that I would end up with such a wonderful, adult, friend in Lisa. I didn't think about the fact that as the years pass by the six and eight year age gaps between the kids that I babysat get closer and closer every year. I am thankful that I was able to be a part of these kids' lives when they were kids, but I think I am more thankful that they still put up with me as a friend now.

Time moves faster and faster the older that we get and it is important, in the hustle and bustle of life, to slow down, take a deep breath, and remember the people that have shaped the person you have become. All too quickly life can get in the way and years have passed between the times you talk and in our hyper connected world there is no need for that.

BLOG HOMEWORK: call an old friend you haven't talked to in years; go have dinner or a drink with them; I promise you won't be sorry that you did.

PS
Take a picture while you're at it!

The Story Behind the Palm Tree (aka: I Hold a Grudge)

That's my cap for my Masters graduation. "Why a palm tree?" you might ask. You will especially ask this if you heard the story of how much I am not a cruise or beach person, so since you asked (whether you did or not) I will tell the tale.

It all started about thirteen years ago in a little town called Ardmore. It was the day of my high school graduation and my friend Ashley had decorated her cap for graduation that evening. Hers was pretty and sparkly and said "gimp" as she was hobbling around following an injury during the senior powder puff football game. When I heard about this I thought "I need to decorate my cap too!" and after a quick thought I came to the idea of a palm tree. You see my high school show choir had just gotten back from a cruise on The Big Red Boat and our prom theme had even been "Bon Voyage" with a cruise ship in the background of our formal pictures. It seemed natural. So I grabbed some paper and markers and drew a palm tree, cut it out and taped it to my cap.

Then the drama unfolded.

I must say that I didn't feel too much of a closeness to my high school class through our four years at AHS, but that all changed the night of graduation. We bonded. We bonded over the ridiculous rules of our administration. Now I have to admit that I already had some "issues" with our current principal (who had taken over the position the second semester of my senior year), but we'll just leave it there.

We all walked in, Ashley and I were the only decorated caps. Our lovely former principal, who was now an assistant, pulls me into the office of the field house and explains that if I don't remove the palm tree from my cap I will not be allowed to walk.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?

This is MY high school graduation, not his, or the other principal's. They wanted to keep this ceremony very serious, I suppose. I guess it was supposed to reflect the maturity of the school and whatnot. Well, funny story, we might not have been a class that got along, but by gosh we came together that night to make our high school graduation memorable and very unique to us.

After he tells me to remove the palm tree (and wouldn't let me take it with me), in one of my more rebellious moments in high school, I slammed it on the desk, said "this is the biggest bunch of bullshit I've heard", and stormed out. Now I am not advocating that every high school senior does this, but I'm also hoping that the administration of your school respects you more than ours did and allows you to be individuals and take ownership of a ceremony that is meant to celebrate you.

After that I was furious, just as I had been many other times in the past. Luckily we had two pretty amazing teachers that calmed us all down. Ashley had to walk without a cap at all (since hers was done with glitter and paint), but Alex was the smartest of us all! He had a paint pen or a white out pen and as we were walking used it to write "#3" his class rank (he thought, along with most of the rest of us, that he would be valedictorian). Ah, we were a smart class and in the end we won.

Through the ceremony we also had four beach balls that were blown up and bounced around, one friend who got up in the middle of a forty five minute speaker's speech and started applauding, and a silly friend that danced across the stage and left the president of the school board with a perplexed look on his face. Overall it was probably my favorite memory of high school, so for that I'm glad. I'm glad that were able to come together against a common enemy. You might be reading this thinking that I'm crazy or at least disrespectful to authority, however I believe that in order to get respect you must first give it and the administration had little respect towards us through our four years at that school.

Now all of this being said, last year I was at Haley's convocation and saw all the caps that were decorated. That was when I got the idea to recreate the palm tree, only better! I spent ten months planning. The Friday before Graduation Gear Up I went and got the jewels. The first day of GGU I bought my cap and gown, pulled the cap from the plastic, found a palm tree in clip art, made it the right size and started laying out the beautiful jeweled palm tree above. I am quite proud of it, even though the cruise that I went on before graduation this year was kind of a bust, it was perfect. A lot of people figured I would have the New York City skyline or something of that nature, but what can I say? I hold a grudge.

The Graduate

Well I did it. After two and a half years I have a Masters degree. It really seems like yesterday that I got this crazy idea and started asking friends with MHRs what I could do with it. I won't lie, it has been stressful and exhausting, but I am so glad I did it. So glad, in fact, that I'm going back in the fall to work on my LPC and figure out a Ph.D. program. So I'm a glutton for punishment. I figure if I'm not changing my name anytime soon I should at least accessorize it, right?

And here is the story of graduation.

Friday night was commencement. This is when all the graduates hang out on the football field while they announce the doctoral candidates and there is a speaker. I skipped this detail in undergrad and since I decided I was going to do everything for my Masters I was going to go. Then I talked myself out of it. Then I heard who the speaker was and talked myself back in. Then Friday it rained all day and they moved it inside to Lloyd Noble and I almost talked myself back out, but I didn't.

So as I'm walking into commencement I had no idea how to work my Masters' hood. I figured someone inside would know. I was wrong, but I made two new friends while we all tried to figure it out. We fussed over the hoods and sat ourselves down. Then we got moved. I had decorated my cap (story to come later) and was mildly worried when I walked in that I would be the only one. That was silly, there were decorated caps everywhere.

We settled in for the ceremony. First they did the honorary degrees. I actually think this would be the best way to get a doctorate because you get all the bells and whistles and no classes or papers. However, I am way too impatient for that, so I'll just bust through school to get one. Apparently my two new friends came from the same line of thinking I did because we all noticed that the doctoral candidates had different hats. Some had the flat mortarboard and some had the nifty poofy hats.

The speaker did her thing and was truly inspiring. She talked a lot about being a community and having empathy towards others. These are things I truly agree with, so I knew I had made the right decision to go. She also talked a lot about football, being that she grew up in Texas, and I knew I'd made the right decision!

After that the doctoral candidates were recognized and I tried my darnedest to figure out the hat thing, but every time I would catch a name and find it in the program it would be the same degree with different hats. The night ended with me having no idea why they were different, but knowing that I had to figure it out because I would be VERY upset if I made it through a PhD. program only to end up with a flat hat again.

At the end of the ceremony we sang the OU chant, yes the chant is a song and the fight song is more of a chant, oh well. They gave us all glow sticks and turned the lights down. After that instead of throwing their caps people threw their glow sticks. I got pegged with at least two and they hurt! They also shot off streamers, which weren't as cool as fireworks, but I guess they were okay.

This is the only picture I got of commencement.

Then came the College of Arts and Sciences Convocation Saturday morning. This is the one where my name is read and I get to walk across the stage. The morning started off not so great as I hadn't slept the night before because my dog was sick and wouldn't calm down enough to go to sleep. After I kicked her out so I could get some sleep (yes I felt horrible) I got up to her still feeling bad. Needless to say I was pretty much ready for the ceremony to be over so that I could get home to check on her. (For those concerned she was fine when I got home and is as good as new today)

So for my graduation ensemble I chose a new black dress and pearls with hot pink peep toe high heels (shoes are very important). When I say I "chose" an LBD and pearls I mean that Brittany pretty much informed me that I would be wearing it, which she was spot on right about and it was the perfect choice. The heels (4 inches) were a bit of fun. I had to walk down the ramp at LNC, I was praying the whole time that I wouldn't fall. After that I was ushered into the A-L room for my major (Human Relations) and given the card to fill out with my information on it. I had managed to get all my flair on before walking down.

My flair included:

• Graduation gown, complete with wings - I totally freaked out when I pulled it out of the bag Tuesday, but everyone explained that's how it was supposed to be, I still think it looks dumb, but was a nice place to stash my phone while I walked across stage
• Masters hood - while there was no one to help with the hoods on Friday, Saturday morning one of the HR professors came by and checked all hoods to make sure they were right...thank goodness!
• Chickasaw honor stole - I went back and forth on wearing this, but ended up doing it, even though it had feathers, I figured they paid for my Masters they should get some credit, plus it made me stand out a bit more, though there were at least three others, including a guy getting his MHR
• Phi Kappa Phi honor cords - I worked my tail off to keep a perfect 4.0 GPA through grad school and was extremely excited to be nominated for PKP, which honors the top 10% of graduating Masters students
• PKP pin - see above
• Golden Key pin - okay I just did this one to have more stuff for the resume and more flair
• Human Relations pin - I knew other MHRs in the past had gotten pins and I was happy when they went through and handed them out before the ceremony (I like my flair)

Okay so I was decked out. Surprisingly for all the people that were graduating I really didn't know that many, so I made more friends. I am very introverted, but in certain situations (graduation apparently being one of them) I make friends very easily. I met a guy who was a Marine who had done his whole program overseas, mainly in Japan (yet another thing I love about the HR department) and a guy who was in the Air Force (he was VERY tall). Also, I must admit, when I walked in and got lined up and knew I had another hour of waiting, I took off the good ol' 4 inch heels. Hey it worked, don't judge.

A little while later my friend Kelsey came in. She was a student athlete at OU (track and field) and had gone to the student athlete reception the day before. She had the prettiest ring that was clearly OU inspired and I asked where she got it. She said it was her gift from the athletic department for graduating. I immediately decided that I have four years of eligibility left and I need to find a sport! Okay I am totally kidding, but the ring was really pretty!

We lined up and headed in (I got my shoes back on just in time!). We walked to our assigned area and sat down. I must remind you that when you are in LNC the smart phones (or mine) aren't very smart, so getting text messages were few and far between. Eventually I had three come through from Chris and Jason asking where I was. I FINALLY got one back to Chris saying to look for my hat and described it (the specifics will be in another post all to themselves :)). I learned today that Chris was being ornery to Jason (big shocker) and kept saying things like "oh there she is, she's in a black robe and has something hanging from her hat" Jason would look and then realize that EVERYONE had on black robes with stuff hanging from their hats. Then when they asked the graduates to please rise Chris said "oh she's standing up" and Jason looked and realized that everyone was standing up. Apparently everyone around them was laughing. I certainly did when I heard the story!

Okay so next Dean Bell gives a little talk. Then the chosen student (always an undergrad) gave her speech and it was time for us to walk. My favorite part about Dean Bell is something he says every year:

If you read above the closed captioning says "other demonstrations of support and affection are strongly" the whole thing is this:

Noisy outbursts and other demonstrations of support and affection are strongly encouraged.

As you will read later in my post about my cap this was not the case when I was in high school and it made me a little bit angry (as did most things at my high school).

So I watch as many friends come by who were also getting their Masters. The guy next to me was checking out everyone's shoes (I told you shoes were important!). Kelsey and I were chatting. Chris said he and Jason figured they would look for someone playing on facebook during the thing (who me?) but because of the lack of cell service I resorted to talking, so they weren't surprised when they finally located me and I was talking to the person to my left and then the person to my right and back and forth...always the social butterfly.

We finally got to get up and head for the front. They took our pictures and then the lovely gay guy had us move our tassels to the back for the photo of us shaking hands to get our diploma cover (he was quite fun). I got my cover, shook a lot of hands, said a lot of thank yous and walked back to my (new) seat. Waiting to go up and walk wasn't so bad, but waiting for the thing to be over was awful. Needless to say we were counting down the departments left and everyone cheered for the last person to walk. After that it was the fun madness of trying to get out, with feet that were killing me, so I took off the shoes and peeled the robe as soon as possible (those things are hot!).

Overall it wasn't too bad, fun stories that I will remember, just like the last two. I'm very appreciative to those that came to support me in person and those that were with me in spirit and those that liked my check in on facebook or made comments. All of you have helped me get to where I am today and for that I am extremely thankful.

PS

My friends from Friday night figured out the doctoral hats! One came over and told me that you just pay more for the poofy ones. I can so do that! Next stop: PhD!

Mastered

That letter means that those crazy people at OU are going to give me a Masters degree! This also is the reason that I've been completely absent on the good ol' blog. I finished my comprehensive exam which was a twelve page paper that incorporated facebook, church, young adults lacking permanent, consistent emotional support, existentialism, and my future plans. Sound random enough? Well apparently I put them together in a coherent manner worthy of graduate level work and they are going to let me graduate in May.

Last week I also found out that I was invited into Phi Kappa Phi, an honor society for the top ten percent of graduating graduate students and Golden Key Honour Society, which is an honor society for cool people (okay really I haven't the slightest clue and I got the invite last fall and ignored it, but then decided that I wanted more flair for my cap and gown).

After all of that excitement I got my final grade for grad school last night: A. That means that when I finish my Masters I will graduate with a final GPA of 4.0.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't completely and totally excited about all of this. When I was in high school I graduated with honors and had a GPA over 4.0 (thanks weighted grades), then I got to college. I was really good at undergrad, at least the social aspect; the school aspect I really didn't care about and my GPA reflected it.

Grad school was not in the plan. Three years ago I was planning a disaster of a wedding. I wanted to be a wife and mom, and while I see nothing wrong with either of those things that wasn't the direction my life path ended up going and I'm okay with that. Wife and mom are still on my to do list, but I really love where my life is at. That being said I did get sad today when I was ordering my announcements and saw undergrad couples that were purchasing all their stuff together and knowing that when graduation rolls around they will take pictures together and have those memories, together. I'm sad that I won't have those graduation pictures with whoever "the one" is. In the end it will all work out and I know that. I also know that had I been dating someone during the craziness that was me in grad school it would have never worked. I rather enjoyed being able to pull all nighters and then retreat to the pool or the comfort of my bedroom to watch Sex and the City or Dawson's Creek. Had I been in a relationship I would have, knowing me, sacrificed some part of this experience and I wouldn't feel about it the way that I do, and I'm really, really proud of myself.

All in all the last twenty six months have been busy, crazy, fun, and completely and totally worthwhile. In sixty four short days I will walk across a stage in a sparkly decorated cap (more on that later) at Lloyd Noble Center, hopefully with some crazy kids screaming and yelling and blowing air horns, and they will give me a Masters. Now that I have the school bug I don't think it's going away any time soon. I've already decided that I'm going to get my counseling license and a Ph.D. is completely not out of the realm of reality (I really want the poufy hat!).

Who knows where I will be in another three years because where I sit now is not at all what I could have ever imagined one thousand ninety six days ago (yes I counted Leap Year day :)), but I wouldn't change it for anything.

Saving Myself for Donnie Wahlberg…

Well maybe not really (or maybe so, who knows!) Here we are again that wonderful day of the year we all love so very much: Valentine’s Day. Last year I was pretty upset by this little twenty-four hour period, but this year I’m just really not. I really just don’t care, it’s just another day.

So why then am I writing a blog for the first time in a month and a half over the subject?

Contentment.

This is my word of 2012. I’ve had real issue with this word in the past because I thought that if I said I was content with my life that meant that I was happy staying where I was, which I’m not. I want to get married and have kids and that’s not where I’m at, so I didn’t want to tempt the fates into thinking that they could just leave me here and I’d be happy about it, because I wouldn’t be. Then a friend encouraged me to watch the movie Courageous. I won’t go into my analysis and critique of the movie because it isn’t relevant here. What happened was that the movie didn’t come out on DVD for some time after I was told to watch it, however I noticed a book at Barnes and Noble inspired by the movie: The Resolution for Women (there’s a men’s version too). I started this book at the beginning of the year and I’ll admit I have not been diligent about reading it every day, but I’ll get through it eventually.

The main point of the beginning and what struck me so much was this idea of contentment. The book laid it out in a manner that I not only understood, but completely and totally agreed with. It suggested the idea that we all have different seasons throughout our lives: seasons to be single, to be married, to be a parent, to be a student, to build our career, to be a kid and so on. The idea of contentment isn’t the idea that you have to be satisfied forever with what you have now; rather it is the idea that you are content, happy and enjoy what you have in the season that you are in. It was like a light bulb went off there in my bedroom.

Contentment doesn’t mean that I am giving up and saying, well I guess this is how it’s going to be and I have to live with it. Rather it gives me the opportunity to live my life to the fullest and enjoy this time I have. Now I’ve known all of this for years and for a long time I’ve told myself I need to learn to live in the moment, but they were just words and the voice in the back of my mind was telling me that I was biding my time until my “real” life started: the get married and have kids life. I don’t really know what the major difference this time was, but I really and truly got it this time around. I realize all the great things that I get to do because I am single.

I took an amazing trip to New York and DC in November and got to enjoy just spending time alone, which was amazing. That trip was all about having new experiences and finding myself along the way. I had never flown by myself before and that felt like this huge thing, that wasn’t really all that big of a deal. At the same time I made all the arrangements myself (besides a bus ticket to DC) and got myself where I needed to be all by myself. I’ve always been a very independent person, however I tend to stay in my own comfortable bubble and that trip pushed me outside my bubble and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I’m finishing my Masters. During the month of February not only have I completed my last class, but I also have to write my comprehensive exam (which I still don’t think is THAT big of a deal, but everyone else is flipping out about). To be honest I’m glad I’m single because I just really don’t have time, right now, to factor someone else in. I am doing everything I can to just have some “me” time in between class and paper writing.

On top of this we are starting some new things at CrossTimbers that I’m ridiculously excited about, but that are also kind of time consuming in the beginning planning process. (And, no, I’m still not 100% certain how this all ended up happening at once.) This has become an amazing opportunity that allows me and a group of people to truly make a difference in other people’s lives as well as our own and I’m so excited about the direction it is going.

February also includes seeing a dear friend in one of my favorite musicals, the birthday of a beautiful little girl, whom I adore, that must be showered with birthday excitement, a women’s retreat at my home church that I am beyond excited about, and to top it off a trip to Dallas with one of my most favorite people for the Jordan Knight solo show (because if you couldn’t tell at the beginning of this I am having some NKOTB withdrawals lately).

So all in all February is a really busy month for me. If I had been put in a relationship at this point the person I was with would probably be feeling abandoned or I would be focused on them and not all the other things I need to do. That’s kind of how my life has been these days. It’s not that I don’t want to be with someone; it’s that simply this is not the season for that.

I don’t know how long this season of my life is going to last. Maybe it will be that mystery date in July or maybe it will be sooner than that, but if it happens to be longer than that, then that’s okay too.

For the last few months I have been toying around with the idea of finishing my LPC (license professional counseling) classes. The class I just finished up sealed the deal on that. Basically I’m signing myself up for another year and a half or so of school, but I’m okay with that. I truly feel like it is the place that I’m supposed to be in this season of my life. I’m not really sure what this means in the long run of my life, but I feel certain that I’m going in the right direction and certain things that I thought would be happening right now are on hold for a reason, though I don’t know that reason yet. I figure at some point it will all make sense, why I have shifted my passion around, or put a major passion on hold for a little while.

For the time being, I am enjoying the fact that if I want to lock myself in my room and watch Dawson’s Creek for hours I can. If I want to hop on a plane to NYC I can. I am going to enjoy that I can do whatever I want at this point in my life. I fully believe that in the right time I will get all the things that my heart desires, but I fully believe that this is not the right time. I would rather enjoy my life now, single, than push for a relationship that isn’t right and end up more miserable in the end.

For the first time in a long time I am really, truly happy (albeit very busy and slightly stressed, but happy) and content with where I am. I would rather have a million Valentine’s Days alone than be in an unhealthy relationship again. All the things I have learned will go with me into my next relationship, which I will allow to happen naturally and not push for or try to force. That’s just not the way this crazy life works. And if you have a problem with me being thirty and single and my life not matching how yours looks, then that's your problem, not mine, and it probably means there is something lacking in your own life. I encourage you to take a look and try to find the missing piece. It took me a long time to put all the pieces back together to become whole and I’m glad I took that time because I would not trade it for anything.

So happy Valentine’s Day to all (and especially to Donnie Wahlberg…I’ll be here patiently waiting… ;))

Impact

So many times I think we forget about the impact that we make on others on a daily basis and the impact that others have on us. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the butterfly effect and my freshman and sophomore years of high school. For those of you not familiar with the term, Wikipedia defines the butterfly effect as:

In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions; where a small change at one place in a nonlinear system can result in large differences to a later state. The name of the effect, coined by Edward Lorenz, is derived from the theoretical example of a hurricane's formation being contingent on whether or not a distant butterfly had flapped its wings several weeks before.

Although the butterfly effect may appear to be an esoteric and unusual behavior, it is exhibited by very simple systems: for example, a ball placed at the crest of a hill might roll into any of several valleys depending on slight differences in initial position.

The butterfly effect is a common trope in fiction when presenting scenarios involving time travel and with "what if" cases where one storyline diverges at the moment of a seemingly minor event resulting in two significantly different outcomes.

Basically it the thought that one little, seemingly minor, occurrence can have lasting impact on the world around us. This thought is extremely apparent today.

Last night I helped a friend with a Christmas party and was out late and very tired when I got home. I noticed on facebook on my phone that a few people had posted in a group that I am an admin on. This wasn't too unusual as people post in this group quite frequently. This morning I woke up and saw that something like 26 people had posted since the night before. I knew something had to be up and I knew it was probably not good.

This particular group is called "Thank you, Stan Stevenson" and it is a group that started as a way for people to express their gratitude to a wonderful man. Much as I feared when I looked at facebook this morning I was correct in the feeling that I had deep in the pit of my stomach: Stan had passed away yesterday afternoon. Since I wasn't really on facebook I had not seen the outpouring of grief from my high school friends and somehow I had not gotten a text about this (which is really fine because I would have broken down at the party last night).

Stan Stevenson was my high school band director. If you know me then you know that I do not have a musical bone in my body, yet somehow I ended up in band and show choir (high school is weird like that). My best friend was in band in middle school and then in high school joined the color guard. Seeing that she was my best friend, my freshman year I ended up hanging out with all her band friends, most of which were older than us. I had the best times of my life with these people. As the months wore on I ended up helping out with winter guard and ended up on many, many bus trips. Then my junior year I joined guard too and was officially in band. (I'm still wondering how this all happened.)

I would not trade those memories for anything. As I became better and better friends with all of these "band nerds" I also got to know Stan. Stan was the best guy you could ever imagine. His daughter Katie was a year older than me and we were close friends. Stan was the kind of guy that was like a dad to everyone. If you were in any way connected to the band you were one of his "kids."

There were honor roll students and kids that never saw an A on a report card.
There were kids that were outgoing and kids that were ridiculously shy.
There were natural born leaders and those that needed to be pulled out of their shell.
There were popular kids and not so popular kids.
Some had no musical talent and some were destined to keep playing forever.
But they were all Stan's kids.

Whoever you were Stan cared about you. You might have drove him a little crazy at times (you know who you are), but he always cared. He was a constant throughout high school and even after. He always encouraged his kids to do their best. He showed them what they could accomplish and how worthy they were of feeling good about themselves. He was so much more than a teacher and a band director. He was the kind of person that every kid should have it their life during a time that can be dramatic, messy and emotionally damaging.

If you have never experienced what it is like to have 100+ brothers and sisters, all of which you loved and hated at some point during the year, but who you would stand up for no matter what was going on, then you have certainly missed out. I look back at my high school years and know that I can pick up the phone and call any one of them and know that I will still have a friend. How many people can say that they still talk to their high school friends on a weekly, if not daily, basis sixteen years later? Stan made that happen. He had this power to pull this rag-tag group of kids together into an amazing family.

I have so memories with these people that I could write all day. I will spare you that, for now, and probably will pick it up later. One I would like to share was the summer after my freshman year of high school. Everyone always is ready to get out of school when that day in May rolls around. Most people want as far away from the building as possible. If you were in band at Ardmore High School that was simply not the case, though. Our drum line practiced all the time and that summer they did concerts every week, on Tuesday, I think. Not only would the drummers show up, but all the rest of us would pile into the band room and listen to the new cadences that they were learning. C-los (my fav), and Peanut Butter and Jelly and so many more. Now I will admit that there always seemed to be a drummer that I had a "thing" for and that probably made me show up a little more, but hey, what can you do?

The other thing that was pretty amazing about this group was that a section of them put together a jazz band, Java Jazz, that played at Kimberlee's By the Cup in our local mall. These kids just put this together themselves, found a "gig" and we all showed up every Saturday to listen to them and hang out.

Stan instilled such a love of music in my friends that they wanted to keep playing, even though school was out and they didn't have to. That says something.

After learning of the news this morning I was looking at the posts in Thank you, Stan Stevenson, on his personal page, and just throughout statuses amongst my friends. They all said the same thing: how wonderful he was, how he impacted our lives and made us the people we are today. So many times when someone passes away people come out of the wood works to say "nice" things about them, no matter what kind of person they really were. In this case every word is true and we told him all the time. I think that is the one thing that gives me peace in this situation: knowing that we were all very open and honest about our feelings. The posts were not just from kids that I went to school with, but from those that were at the schools before Ardmore and the schools after. One thing remained the same: everyone expressed how much of an impact he made on them.

My last memory of seeing Stan was last fall. I had gone to a football game in Pauls Valley to watch my friend Lisa (also my former high school vocal music teacher)'s son play. One of my friends, Drew, is the band director at Pauls Valley,  having taken over when Stan retired a few years ago. Stan was still an active part of the PVHS band and was at the game. Lisa and I went over and chatted with him for the majority of the third quarter. We were reminiscing and talking about the past and telling funny stories. We were laughing so hard we were crying. While I am sad that I have not seen him in over a year I am so thankful that my last physical memory of him was talking and laughing until we cried. That is exactly how I remember him and how I will continue to remember him.

I think when you look back at high school you might be lucky to have one teacher that might have made a little change in the way you look at life or shaped your world. I look back and realize that I have three. My band director, vocal music director and drama director. (This is why the arts need to stay in schools people!!!! Okay stepping off that soap box.) When I think of how powerful a teacher's influence can be on a child's life I think of these three. What I realize, when looking back, is that not only did they genuinely care about me when I was in school, but they continued to care about me and love me through my life. What started out as a student and teacher turned into a lifetime of friendship. I am sad that there aren't more people that can say that. What I do know is that anyone who was ever one of Stan's kids can say that without hesitation.

I help with a youth group and I love my teens. I'm not a huge fan of small kids, at all, but there is just something about working with teenagers that I adore. They might drive me crazy from time to time (or all the time) but I know what a hard time in life the teen years can be and I know how much I loved my time in high school and I want nothing, but the same from them. I know that this love for this age had to have come, in part, from Stan, Lisa and Carla. I pray that I can have even a fraction of the impact on "my" kids that those three had on me.

I am sad that there are generations of kids that won't get to know what a wonderful man Stan was, but I know that his impact will be lasting through those that he did touch. He made a legacy that will live on forever. Whether to you he was Mr. Stevenson, Stan the Man, Stan, Stev-o, Butch, Papa Stan, or just Dad if you knew him you loved him and knew he loved you and you probably have a story or two that you could tell about him.

Rest in peace Papa Stan. Give Katie a big hug for me. And know that you made a profound impact on my life and I am thankful that I got to be one of your girls.

Stan Stevenson

August 7, 1953 to December 10, 2011

You will be greatly missed.

Writer's Block Challenge: Day 2

Your Opinion on Cheating

Well, well, well this is a fun one. My opinion on cheating. If you don't want to know the answer to this one than quit reading now. If you don't like what you read, don't say you weren't warned.


Now, onto the fun part. Let's start off by saying that though I have had opportunity I have never cheated on someone when I was in a committed relationship with them. Let us also say that I have been cheated on many, many, many times. I'm not really sure what that says about me to be honest. I'm sure we could mention something about loyalty and probably naivety or stupidity.


At any rate this being said I have some experience in the role of the person who is cheated on and here is what I think about it.


If you really love the person you would not cheat. Period.


If you use the excuse "I didn't want to hurt them" in terms of not wanting to break up when they find out that you're cheating (and they will) it will hurt them more.


If you are cheating you have no respect for the person you are with.


You can use the excuse that you are not getting what you "need" out of the relationship that you are in. If that is the case then you need to reconsider the relationship you are in.


Basically, in a nutshell, that is my opinion on cheating. Take it or leave it.

Writer's Block Challenge: Day 1

Introduce Yourself and Fifteen Interesting Facts

1. I am OBSESSED with Twitter, to the point that on my way back from Ardmore once my phone was dead and I couldn't check Twitter and had a little breakdown.

2. I have recently discovered that if I don't work out every day I feel guilty and icky.

3. I resisted Pinterest, but now am addicted.

4. I have a love/hate relationship with my treadmill.

5. My guilty pleasures are ABC Family original shows.

6. I cannot go into a book store and not spend money.

7. I think Apple/Macintosh/anything starting with "i" is pure evil and cult-like.

8. I think my mp3 player is psychic and knows exactly what I need to hear.

9. I don't hate coffee, but I don't love it, however for the adventure I'm planning I feel like I need to learn to love it.

10. I can do a whole lot of things at once and still know exactly what you said and repeat it back to you.

11. I love, love, love Blue Bloods, but only allow myself to watch it when I am running on the treadmill.

12. I have tried to do Couch 2 5K twice and I have stopped at week 4 both times (though this time I just changed to a different interval training that is working better, so it is still a victory).

13. I sometimes wonder if I was switched at birth (why, yes, yes, I watch way too much television).

14. I have found recently that I really, really, really hate driving. I would enjoy it if I had a new car and I was the only one on the road.

15. My thirtieth birthday absolutely changed my life.

Fall

As I sit down to write this I am looking out my window and watching leaves fall. Yes, it is true fall seems to have arrived. While technically fall does not begin until the 23rd it seems to have arrived in Norman last Sunday. I woke up Sunday morning to go to church and almost had to go back in to get a sweater. Fall had certainly arrived.

To reinforce the coming of fall even more Saturday we came to the conclusion that my pump for the pool had died a sad and pitiful death. I made the (responsible) decision to go ahead and close the pool. So also while I look out my window as I type I see a sad, sad pool with a cover on it. In reality I wouldn't have the time to get it back to clear (lots of algae issues this season) before it was time to really close it. I can have the pump replaced this spring and get it vacuumed and throw in A LOT of chemicals and it will be fine.

The conclusion of the pool season is always sad and this one seems a bit more melancholy. In a little over six months I will open the pool for the 2012 season. In the time that the pool is closed a lot of decisions about my future will be made.

I have a love/hate relationship with this particular season. For the most part the idea of fall makes me giddy, however the reality of it always seems to make me sad. You have football game after football game, fairs, school is back in session, church stuff starts up again full swing, as does Junior League, you enjoy crisp weather, beautiful trees, An Affair of the Heart, Halloween, Thanksgiving, the beginning of hot chocolate weather, and cuddling weather. All of these are things that I LOVE, however they also all tend to revolve around "couple-dom".

I am happy with where I am in my life and I would under no circumstance change it, but it still seems to make me a little sad. The majority of my relationships of the past have seemed to either start or end in the fall, so when the weather turns cold after the drudgery of the summer months I tend to be a bit reflective and kind of sad. Looking back I'm glad for every relationship that has ended, however it does bring back those feelings of intense sadness.

I am still in a mood where I am solely focusing on myself and being the best me I can be to prepare me for the adventure I have planned after graduation in May. When I go through these feelings of melancholy it tends to reinforce that I am right where I am supposed to be and am going right where I need to be.

So even with the mix of happy and sad that I feel during the fall I know that something big is forming just under the surface. I cannot wait to see where I am when I open the pool in March. Big things are coming.