Story Telling

I saw this on Pinterest a bit ago and it really fits with what I've been reading lately and just in general what I've been feeling. Oh, hello blog world, I suppose I'm back, we'll see how that goes and maybe you'll get an update on where I've been later, but for now I have a mild rant.

So this quote above talks about the story that we tell with our lives. You can take this from a religious standpoint or not, either way we only have one life and one fabulous story to tell. So over the last month I have read a couple of books by Donald Miller (LOVE. HIM.). The first was Blue Like Jazz (I promise I'll do book reviews again soon too...it is summer, there has been lots of reading!). This was his memoir about when he was college age. I would call him a writer who is Christian, not a Christian writer, but in the book he talks about friends he had who were not Christian and how he interacted with them. Pretty awesome. So after that came out some movie people found it and say "hey, let's make a movie out of this." What followed was him having to write the story of his life over, in the form of a screenplay for this movie. He then wrote A Million Miles in a Thousand Years about what it is like to rewrite the story of your life.

This book got me thinking. A lot. We all have a story to tell. We all have things that happen in our lives that intertwine with others' stories, leading to one great big story. While we sometimes like to forget that we're not the main character in our own movie it is kind of refreshing to realize what an impact our life has on the overall story of the world. The question then becomes what kind of story do you want to write with your life?

Let's take me, for example. I am thirty and single. Of my close friends I am one of very few that is not married and does not have kids. Both of these are things that I want, but that's not how my story has unfolded. I had all the plans in the world to make these happen, but that's not what happened. For awhile I was sad about this and I would compare my story to everyone else's and think that mine wasn't as good and wasn't as meaningful, but that's just not true. In the last thirty years (almost thirty one!) I have accomplished quite a lot. Rather than sitting around and waiting for my story to get going like everyone else's I have chosen to live my story.

When talking about what I have accomplished in my life with a friend last week, I said simply "well what else have I had to do with my life?" I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I try to rush things along because I do want the husband and the kids, but every little thing that has brought me to this point has mattered. And you know what, I have a GREAT story to tell. I have had amazing experiences with amazing people. Some of the chapters are sad and some are silly, but they all come together to make the book that is me, and I'm not even close to done with that book!

I'm not really sure at what point in life I became such an optimist, it really feels quite odd, but it's kind of becoming true. I think that comes along with being happy in life. Novel concept really. I am in such a good place right now. I haven't accomplished all that I want to accomplish, I still want to get married and have kids, but when I look back I don't feel like any of the time I have not had those things, no matter how long my friends have, I have not wasted any time. My time is extremely valuable to me and I do good things with it. Sure I am an introvert and tend to enjoy weekend nights home by myself, but that's a choice. It's just that I don't want to go out all the time. I love spending time with friends, but I enjoy spending time at home too, it's how I recharge myself to do all the things that I do throughout the week.

At some point in the future (no guesses on specific times) there will probably come a time when I meet someone that I want to settle down with. I look back at who I've date or who I've wanted to date (that's an interesting trip down memory lane!) and realize that if I thought those people were special the person that I actually fall for will be spectacular. The difference between that future relationship and those that I've had in the past will be the sum of all the chapters of life that I've had to this point. I have learned from my mistakes and hopefully will have a nice stable, healthy relationship (I hear that is actually possible!).

In the meantime I'm not going to let my age, location and marital status define who I am. If you don't like that I'm thirty, live in the Bible belt and am not married then frankly I have little use for you in my life. If you don't like that I'm thirty, own my own home, have a Masters and can take care of myself, then I don't have room for you either. I like who I am. I like what I've accomplished. And I like that my story has had highs and lows, I am thankful for each one because they have made me the strong person I am today.

So go out into the world and tell an amazing story with your life. It doesn't have to be over the top, just meaningful to you!

Facebook

I have been a little MIA in a lot of arenas of my life lately, but especially with the blog. I just haven't had anything to say because I haven't been able to get my brain to wrap around a lot of things going on in my life. I won't go there on all the things I am questioning right now, but I do want to take a minute to talk about facebook.

I love facebook, for real, but it frustrates the crap out of me. I am not what one would call a private person, by any stretch of the imagination. Frankly if you will hold still there is a good chance I will tell you my life story, however I think facebook is maybe pushing the realm of privacy. No I'm not talking about the site itself, though plenty of people will argue that the "new" facebook greatly diminishes privacy with that annoying little box in the upper right hand corner. I'm talking about what people post on facebook.

Now I might have a skewed view on this because, seriously, I am friends with EVERYONE on facebook. I do not discriminate. If I know who you are and have talked to you once then I'm all over being friends. I have a few friends that I have made exclusively through facebook (though that is a rarity and only happens in extremely special circumstances). I don't post a whole lot of stuff on facebook. If I have a general gripe or I'm cheering for a certain football team then I post things. I post pictures to share with friends that are not around all the time. For the most part facebook is a huge address book, for lack of a better term. It is how I keep up with birthdays (totally been slacking in that field lately, so if you've had a birthday in the last month here goes: HAPPY BIRTHDAY) and how I keep up with friends from different stages of my life. Just today I had a friend post a comment about the new Footloose movie coming out and how it reminded her of a particular time during high school, she tagged all the people that were a part of that time. It made me smile and nostalgic. This is what I use facebook for. I also use it to keep up with people's growing children, as an easy way to communicate with different groups, and a fast way to send out event invitations.

What I have noticed recently with some of the people that I am "friends" with on facebook (yes I use that term pretty loosely) is that they post EVERYTHING. I'm talking intimate details of their lives. Because of these details drama tends to get started (this is why I do not post much). Things are blown way out of proportion and people's feelings get hurt. People overreact to things that are posted, whether in a way that is meant to be helpful or in a way that is destructive. It is almost as if people are needing an outlet for attention.

On Pinterest (new OBSESSION) I saw this:

I am truly starting to believe this about some people that show up on my newsfeed. Now I realize most of you that read this get click on it through facebook, so you're wondering if I'm talking about you. Odds are pretty good that I'm not, however you might want to take a moment to think about what you post. Unless you only have your immediate family and closest friends on facebook then people probably don't need/want/care to know the intimate details of what is going on. Share the extreme highlights and call it a day.

Like I said I love facebook. I think it is an excellent tool, especially for non profits and small businesses because EVERYONE is on facebook. I love Twitter too. In fact I love Twitter a whole lot more than I love facebook. A blog I follow pretty much nailed it on the head: facebook makes me hate people I used to know and Twitter makes me love people I've never met. Maybe only having 140 characters makes us think about what we really want to say and forces us from putting in all the gory details of our every day lives. Granted on Twitter I suppose your feed could look like this:

Woke up.
Went to the bathroom.
Brushed teeth.
Locked house.
Got in car.

And so on and so forth.

All of this ranting being said think of this as a PSA for the day. The end.

Fall

As I sit down to write this I am looking out my window and watching leaves fall. Yes, it is true fall seems to have arrived. While technically fall does not begin until the 23rd it seems to have arrived in Norman last Sunday. I woke up Sunday morning to go to church and almost had to go back in to get a sweater. Fall had certainly arrived.

To reinforce the coming of fall even more Saturday we came to the conclusion that my pump for the pool had died a sad and pitiful death. I made the (responsible) decision to go ahead and close the pool. So also while I look out my window as I type I see a sad, sad pool with a cover on it. In reality I wouldn't have the time to get it back to clear (lots of algae issues this season) before it was time to really close it. I can have the pump replaced this spring and get it vacuumed and throw in A LOT of chemicals and it will be fine.

The conclusion of the pool season is always sad and this one seems a bit more melancholy. In a little over six months I will open the pool for the 2012 season. In the time that the pool is closed a lot of decisions about my future will be made.

I have a love/hate relationship with this particular season. For the most part the idea of fall makes me giddy, however the reality of it always seems to make me sad. You have football game after football game, fairs, school is back in session, church stuff starts up again full swing, as does Junior League, you enjoy crisp weather, beautiful trees, An Affair of the Heart, Halloween, Thanksgiving, the beginning of hot chocolate weather, and cuddling weather. All of these are things that I LOVE, however they also all tend to revolve around "couple-dom".

I am happy with where I am in my life and I would under no circumstance change it, but it still seems to make me a little sad. The majority of my relationships of the past have seemed to either start or end in the fall, so when the weather turns cold after the drudgery of the summer months I tend to be a bit reflective and kind of sad. Looking back I'm glad for every relationship that has ended, however it does bring back those feelings of intense sadness.

I am still in a mood where I am solely focusing on myself and being the best me I can be to prepare me for the adventure I have planned after graduation in May. When I go through these feelings of melancholy it tends to reinforce that I am right where I am supposed to be and am going right where I need to be.

So even with the mix of happy and sad that I feel during the fall I know that something big is forming just under the surface. I cannot wait to see where I am when I open the pool in March. Big things are coming.

Single

When did this become such a bad word? Why is it that when one is single they get the words "oh well you'll find the right guy at the right time"? What if, this is a crazy thought I might get locked up for, we don't want to get married? What if we don't want to date? What if we make the conscious decision that this is not something that is meant for our life at this point in time and frankly could never be meant for us? Is that wrong?

When I turned thirty at the beginning of the month something inside of me just clicked. No longer did I have the desire to try to play catch up to all the people around this part of the country that seem to think the only way you have value at my highly advanced age if you are married and have children. I have an amazing life. I do a lot of volunteer work, I am finishing my Masters, I have amazing ideas of how to help the world, and yet I spent most of a decade thinking that wasn't good enough. Basically I wasn't good enough for me. And that is stupid. I spent a long time trying to do the things that others in my world were doing, as much as I could without the necessary husband and children, just so I could keep up. Do you know what I realized this week? The ones I was most trying to keep up with were the ones that I disliked the most. Why on earth would I want to be exactly like people that overall I don't even like?

Yeah that was a life changing moment. One of those where you look at your entire life and start thinking about it in the correct perspective. Over the last month I have made some pretty big decisions about my future, following graduation in May. I am really excited about these decisions and plans. What I have found, though, is when I mention that I have big news people automatically assume that it involves dating, engagement, marriage or babies. It doesn't. It has to do with me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to dating, engagements, marriage and babies. They are all fine for other people, but at this point in my life they are things I am completely not interested in. I am swearing off dating until next June (at the earliest). When I say this I don't mean it in the reverse psychology sense of thinking "well if I say I'm not going to date then magically Mr. Right will appear from around the corner while I'm not looking." Oh no, I am so serious about this one that I am looking around every corner, just to make sure someone isn't lurking that could mess with the plans I am making, which I truly believe is the perfect path for me. If I hadn't been through everything that I've been through then I wouldn't be set up so perfectly for this adventure.

Yesterday I was at Borders' closing sale and while looking for the travel section (everything is all consolidated as they have less and less inventory) I happened to find myself in the self help section. Whoever thought of this section I truly think should be shot, as well as most people that write the books that find themselves in this section. A particular book stuck out to me:

Words cannot express how offended I was by this title. For starters it has one of my least favorite words in it: settling. After fifteen years of dating I have learned the most important lesson: DO NOT SETTLE. I have settled, over and over and over again. I have been the girl that looks (and looks and looks) for any guy who will pay the slightest bit of attention to me, which is, settling. When it comes to spending my life with someone under absolutely no circumstance will I settle. Period. I would rather have a full life that involves no husband than settle for someone who is just good enough. Two things stand out in this to me. The first is that the woman who is settling for "good enough" doesn't truly value herself as good enough. The second is that the guy that will allow a girl to settle for him as "good enough" doesn't value himself. I refuse to be with someone who makes me feel less valuable than I am and I refuse to be with someone who does not have high value for himself. Just not happening.

Thankfully in the past when I have started to settle the relationship ended. I totally value those relationships now because they taught me extremely valuable lessons about myself and about who I want to choose to spend the rest of my life with. While I think there is an element of fate to falling in love I also believe that there is an element of choice. We can choose to fall in love with the wrong person, or we can choose to fall in love with the right person at the right time. I don't like using the word "wait" when talking about falling in love. I truly don't feel I am "waiting" for the right guy to come into my life. By waiting I am impatiently looking at some cosmic clock that is ticking away until the alarm goes off. Instead of "waiting" I am living my life, completely to the fullest. Right now living my life involves a large amount of alone time, self reflection, and working on being the best "me" I can be. I do not view this as making myself better for someone else. I see this as improving myself to be who I want to be, not waiting on Mr. Right to come out of the woodwork.

I know how many thousands of conversations I had with my closest friends during my twenties about wanting to know when "he" was going to finally show up. I can honestly say, if "he" doesn't appear I'm going to be okay. Forget that. I'm going to be a whole lot better than okay. My self worth does not come from another person, it comes from inside myself. My confidence does not revolve around who I am in a relationship with or how many children I have. My value does not come from what I have or how I can impress people, it comes from how I choose to live my life and what I do to make this world a better place.

It has taken me a long time to finally grasp this concept and truly understand it and most importantly to believe it. If in the future I meet someone who loves me for exactly who I am then I will consider myself extremely lucky, but at no point in time am I going to sacrifice the person I am to be in a relationship just because the world around me thinks that I should be in a relationship.

I would apologize for this post, just in case it offends any of my MWC (married with children) friends, but this was tweeted this morning and I truly agree with it:

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. - Benjamin Disraeli

I tend to be a people pleaser and I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Because of this I tend to get my feelings hurt a lot. I want to make everyone else happy and tend to ignore myself and my own feelings. I have finally realized that I cannot be everything that everyone else wants me to be. I cannot be at every football game, every birthday party, every little thing that goes on in other people's lives. I would love to, but I can't and I have finally come to the point that I am okay with that. If these people love me, for who I am, then they understand that I cannot do everything and they shouldn't expect me to.

What I hope people can understand is that not everyone fits into the mold that you may have for your life. I am glad that so many of my friends have children because whenever I need a baby fix I can get one. I also am glad that they have this so that I can see how wonderful my nice, quiet house is. I don't think that anyone has made a wrong decision in their life. The decisions that you make are what is best for you at the time that you make the decision. Just please understand that the decisions that I have made, while they are not the same as yours, are the best decisions for my life. You do not have to understand my life, but please do not down play it because I do not have the same responsibilities you do. Just because I am not in a relationship or have children does not mean that my life is any less important or stressful or busy or fulfilling than yours.
Because I love quotes and I love Sex and the City I leave you with some good ones:

When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less. Than butterflies...

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

 
And one that I think sums up how I feel about my life and the kind of relationship I want in the future, if it is meant to be:

Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.

These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes

I didn't go to bed until pretty late last night, for no real reason in particular. I was online talking to a few people and just didn't work up the motivation to get into my bed. When I did I was WIDE awake. My allergies have been bothering me for the past week so I took a couple of benedryl, which I knew would knock me out, and that it did. I was in a really deep sleep when my alarm went off for church. Usually I wake up a few times throughout the night, but not last night.

When the alarm when off I was startled by it because of the dream I was having. It was one of those dreams that you don't really want to wake up from and you hope and pray that you can hit the snooze button and go right back to it, however that never seems to happen. It was one of those dreams about someone from your past being in your present and you are both blissfully happy. It was one of those dreams that makes you happy and sad and frustrated all at the same time.

I was traveling to visit someone in this dream and was very excited about the trip. This was someone that I have loved for a very long time. In the dream we were very, very happy.

I am quite certain that my subconscious had this person in mind because I was telling a story about them yesterday, but that doesn't make it mess with me any less. I woke up kind of sad. I had been so happy in the dream, yet I knew there was no way this particular dream would ever come true. It just can't. There are too many complications and too many obstacles and too much compromise that would have to happen. There is passion and love, but just too much baggage.

It got me thinking, which is usually a bad thing, about love and relationships. I've been listening to the newest Glee soundtrack for the last week and there was an original song on the season finale called Pretending. The second verse goes like this:

how long do I fantasize
make believe that it’s still alive
imagine that I am good enough
and we can choose the ones we love

That last line gets to me. Can we really choose the ones we love? This is a pretty loaded question. If we make the conscious effort to fall in love with someone that means that every bad decision I've made in love in the past (and there are a lot of them) has been my fault. But what if we don't have any choice? It just happens. Does that make it better? Then I can think, well it's not really my fault.

Looking back at the guys I have been in love with, I think there have been three, did I choose to fall in love with them? Did I force it or did it just happen? I think I did choose with one and didn't with the other two, they just happened. Which is easier to get over? The choice we make or the decisions that fate throws at us? I would say the ones we choose are easier to recover from, but those that we don't really think about, the ones that just happen are the ones that stick with us and make the biggest impressions.

At the same time, looking at those three, was I ever REALLY in love with any of them? Was it real, true, honest love? Were they time fillers? Were they something to check off my to do list? Is there something special about the one that keeps popping up in my mind?

For a million and one reasons I know that things did not work out with anyone from my past. I am completely resolved to that twist in fate. I know that everything I have experienced, in love and life, has brought me here and will bring me to the person that I am meant to be with. I know that when I find that person it won't be as hard as some of the past relationships and it won't hurt as bad. I know there will be hard times and complications, but nothing like what I have faced in the past, because those were the wrong relationships for me and I know that.

I have lots of dreams: starting an amazing, life changing non profit, falling in love with my future husband and then falling in love with my children. I have a picture of how I want these things to happen. And I know, in my heart, that they have to happen in that order and they must all be intertwined. The details and timing remain a mystery at this time, but I know will be revealed to me at the perfect time.

I have full faith that when I meet the person I am supposed to fall in love with it will just happen. There won't be a choice. There won't be a question. It will be natural and perfect. I don't think we choose who we love, I think love chooses us. We can try to imagine it and picture it, but when it happens there is no list of characteristics that you are matched with based on compatibility, it just is what it is. There isn't a formula, just a nice twist in fate that puts you in the right place at the right time next to the right person.

There is something nice about dreaming. You can be taken to a completely different world and see how things could be. You can see what could work and what could not work. You can imagine up all kinds of stories that could possibly unfold in your life. You can take a different look at your past or a peek into your future. You can question the present and choose how you can act to change the future.

In the end I have total faith that all my dreams, the ones that are deep and true and closest to my heart, will come true. They may not match the vision I have in my head, but more than likely they will be even better than I could have ever imagined.

Some dreams stay with you forever,
drag you around but bring you back to where you were.
Some dreams keep on gettin better,
gotta keep believin if you wanna know for sure.
~Even if it Breaks Your Heart, Eli Young Band

Country Girl, City Girl

I've been hearing fireworks going off the last two nights while I was working on my paper (or chatting on facebook when I was supposed to be working on my paper!). List night I was otherwise entertained, but tonight I finished my paper and had turned on the light in the pool so I decided to go have myself a little float and hope I could see some fireworks.

While I did enjoy floating on the glowing pool and it was quite relaxing I was very disappointed that I couldn't see any fireworks. I could completely relax in the peace and quiet and dark. I am not one of those people that is scared of the dark (if I have a flashlight or cell phone handy), in fact one of the bedrooms in my house has blankets over the windows so I can sleep in total darkness (and some of you have questioned if I use the whole house :)). Though I was disappointed with the lack of fireworks I did enjoy floating. I did notice a few things about my backyard while floating.

Two things that are important to note before I get too far into this story.

First of all, this may come as a shock to many of you, but I grew up in the country. And I mean seriously in the country. We lived thirty miles away from "town" on 120 acres. I grew up running through the pastures all by myself (with no cell phone). There were certainly more four legged creatures in my neighborhood that the two legged variety. This was how I spent the first eighteen years of my life.

Second, from August 2010 through May 2011 I did not stop. I was working full time, going to school full time, volunteering with church and Junior League, a lot, plus trying to have a social life. Naturally I am very introverted (this may come as a shock to many of you as well because I hide it pretty well) and having to be "on" for ten months completely wore me out. I remember when I started my first "big girl" job I would get home and be totally exhausted and that lasted for a few months until I got used to it.

Okay back to the backyard and floating on the glowing pool. Though I have lived in Norman for the last twelve years and quite love it, there are still moments that I have to realize that some things are not okay within city limits. One of these came last year when there was a GIANT snake in my front yard and I wanted to shoot it. Apparently shooting snakes in town is not okay. I mean I guess I understand why, but the only good snake is a dead snake and even that is still questionable to me. I was also surprised to learn that there was a limit on the number of dogs you can have and they all have to be registered. Really? Not to mention you can't have a horse in your backyard! (Unless that horse is disguised as a dog, like Zoe in my backyard!) Obviously you also cannot set off fireworks within the city limits. I really do understand that one because I am terrified of fire and hooligans generally are not all that careful and I don't want my house going up in flames. (Though I wish a deviant or two would have set some big ones off in my neighborhood tonight.)

Tonight's discovery of country versus city is the fact that the sky just doesn't look the same. It was cloudy tonight so that probably had something to do with it, but the sky just isn't as dark and there is always a glow. The stars are farther away. They aren't as bright. Nighttime just isn't the same.

Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no desire to move anywhere resembling "the country" ever again. I like being five minutes from Walmart, within walking distance of a gas station, having 911 service, the ability to have dinner delivered, and garbage service, but there are some things that you miss out on if you didn't grow up in the country or spend a generous amount of time there.

You might be wondering how I just came to all these conclusions tonight. Like I said in point two I have been really busy the last year. To be honest I haven't spent all that much time outside, unless it involved working on the pool, getting a tan, or tending to the horse.

I am tired. Emotionally trying to be "on" for ten months solid with very little down time has completely drained me. It's not that I don't want to be around my friends, but I just need a break. When the weekend comes around I don't want to entertain, I want to relax, and relaxing to me is being by myself. I like to float on a raft and work on my tan with no noise, without having to carry on a conversation. I like to sit in the whirlpool and read without worrying about someone accidentally letting my dogs out. I am not one that genuinely enjoys entertaining; in fact I quite hate it. I can never relax when people are at my house. I love my friends, but right now, I really love just being by myself.

I just finished reading a very good book called Soft Spots by Clint Van Winkle. It was for my post traumatic stress class, but I really enjoyed reading it (and luckily it was a quick read because I had five days to read it before the paper was due!). One of the things the author mentioned was about their unit's preparation for Iraq. The commanding officer kept them very busy. The author said "He must've known that boredom brings problems, allows too much time to think. So, besides preparing us for war, was he also protecting our minds? Keeping us sharp and focused by not allowing us to think too much about what was going to happen once we made it into Iraq?"

That concept really hit me (probably because someone once asked me my motives for being so busy and alluded to this very idea). I got to wondering if I really was keeping myself to keep myself from worrying about other things, namely the fact that I am nowhere near I thought I would be at this age. There are more times than I care to admit that it is really hard being involved in the things I am involved with because I am not where I thought I would be and where a lot of people think I should be. I can relate to these people, however a lot of times frankly I don't want to. It feels that if I was doing all these things and keeping myself so busy then I could justify the fact that I am not married and don't have children. Where I live I am about eight years behind. In the good ol' Bible Belt it seems as though everyone (or at least an overwhelming majority) gets married the moment they walk across the stage from their college graduation, if not earlier. There were so many negative feelings around me that it made me feel like my life was meaningless because I'm not married and don't have children.

Yeah, I just went there. I know my friends love me, of that I have no doubt. I know my life is meaningful and I am doing amazing things and will continue to do amazing things, but there is a stigma around here that you can't possibly understand anything if you aren't a wife and mom. To be honest I'm sick of that.

I am almost thirty and I'm not married and I don't have kids. And you know what? That's okay. I love my life and where I'm at. I love who I am and who I'm becoming. I love where I've come from. I have finally accepted that I am not going to be able to make everyone happy. I cannot please everyone. People are going to judge me for what I do whether I go out or I stay in. People are not going to like the decisions I make with my life.

All that matters though is that I like what I'm doing. And I do. I like where my life is going. I have the utmost faith that all the things that I want out of my life will happen, at the time they are supposed to. Until then all I can do is live my life the way that I see best fits me. For now that is taking some much needed "me" time and floating in my pool, all by myself, on the weekends.

There will come a time when I want to open up, both the pool and my heart, and I'm willing to allow that to happen, but I'm not pushing it. I don't need to go out searching for something that I know will come to me at the exact correct moment and not a minute sooner. All I am asking for, from the people in my life, is for you to accept me for who I am. Please don't try to change me. Please allow me to make my own mistakes. I'm going to make some mistakes, we all do, but I firmly believe each of those mistakes holds a lesson, no matter how small.

I am really excited for what is coming up in my life because I know it is going to be big. That is part of why I am taking a little breather to regroup. I am going to need a lot of energy for the next phase because it is going to be amazing.

I Was Wrong...

This may be the only time I say that and totally own it!

I remember a band trip when I was a junior in high school. I was talking to my friend Vanessa and was writing, because I've always done that for a stress relief. My particular writing and discussion that day was about high school and how I would not continue most of my friendships after high school, they just were what they were: fun at the time, but not lasting. I figured there would be a few that I kept in contact with, but most would fall by the wayside. I remember telling my mom to not worry with who I dated in high school because there was NO way that I would ever get really serious with them because it was just Ardmore and I wanted so much more out of life.

I just knew that my college friends would be my lasting friendships, the people I would vacation with, the people who I would raise my kids with. They're husbands and my husband would be the best of friends. We would be at craft shows together and do all the things that I always imagined forever friends would do.

Tonight I was going through some photo albums my mom brought me a few weekends ago. There were both high school and college pictures in them. The pictures that gave me the warm fuzzy feelings were, surprisingly to me, the high school ones, not at all the college ones. I'm not saying my college friends meant nothing to me, not at all, but the lasting relationships were my high school friends. The memories I truly cherish the most are those from high school.

It might have been the bonding over hating high school so much, playing fruit basket turnover with boyfriends, generally rebelling from our parents, having secrets that caused us to bond, thinking we were so mature when we clearly weren't. I don't know what it was.

I can maybe blame facebook for this too. I don't think I would be in contact with nearly as many high school friends as I am. I think I'm glad for that! ;) I never thought I would be one who actually appreciated my hometown and would enjoy going back, but I really do. I like running into old friends and catching up. I don't know if it is because they know me and have always known me and I don't have to pretend to be anyone, not that I pretend to be anyone that I'm not now, but there is just something more honest about high school friends.

I know that if anything ever happens I won't be able to keep them away. If I ever need them they'll be right there. I consider myself very, very lucky for that. We showed that back in September when we all came together for a friend's funeral. That wasn't exactly the best way to have a reunion and I'm very glad we've had a couple of others on much happier terms.

I love when I have a "like" or a comment on facebook from one of my high school friends. It doesn't matter how different our lives are now. Some are married, some aren't, some have kids, some don't, some went to college, some joined the military, some stayed in Ardmore, some moved away, some make a lot of money, some don't make much, but no matter our station in life when we come back together it's like nothing changed.

Or that's how I feel. It might be because I moved away and only go back to visit. It could all be different if I was still there. I have noticed that our little group might have splintered we splintered together, meaning the "best friends" are still best friends. There are several groups like that, both the girls and the guys.

I think we were lucky to grow up where we did. There is some crazy bond that we all have. I don't have that bond with nearly as many college friends; it is a lot harder to pick up where we left off with them. I was only friends with most of my high school friends for two or three years and some of my college friends were that long or longer, yet there aren't the same number of memories and songs that bring back those memories. The pictures don't mean as much. It just isn't the same.

I've said this before, but I think I was my truest self when I was in high school. I didn't care what the "it" crowd thought about me, in fact I did things just to make people talk. I was a conservative rebel: I didn't really do anything too outlandish, yet there was always something independent and original about me. I think I am certainly a lot closer to that point than I have been in recent years.

I've been pretty introspective the last few days. I think a certain impending birthday is really getting me thinking. By no stretch of the imagination do I think I "peeked" in high school, but as much as I never thought I would say this, I do kind of think high school was amazing and college not so much (besides drinking being legal!).

By the time I got to college everything became so serious: people were coupling and planning engagements, which turned to weddings, which turned to babies. They were planning for what they would do after college as far as a career or job. In high school I was always thinking about college, but there was something more carefree back then.

One of my goals for my thirties is to regain that carefree attitude. This is not to say I'm going to sell my house and move to NYC (though the idea has crossed my mind a few thousand times the last few months), but really just getting back to the fun loving person that actually goes out and enjoys life rather than worrying about everything that comes next. I am a planner by nature, and that's okay, but sometimes it's okay to just live for the moment. That's what high school was for me, there was never really a worry as to what would happen to me after graduation, I was going OU, even when I was seriously considering Colorado College and Vassar, it was always going to be OU, but when I was in high school I just didn't have to worry about what comes next. I think the moment I set foot on OU's campus that's all that it became: worrying about what would come next. Would I find the boyfriend so I would get the ring and the wedding in the months following graduation? Would I figure out what I wanted to do with my life professionally?

I think it is easier to not worry now. I know what I'm going to do in the long run when it comes to a career and it is going to be amazing. I know that I'm going to fall madly in love at some point in my life, I think it is going to be with a husband to be, but it might just be with the my child, which I will have, somehow, some way.

High school was amazing. College was okay. My teens were amazing. My twenties held some good times, but there were a lot more tears than I like to remember. My thirties are going to be amazing. I just know it and if I learned nothing else in my twenties it is to follow my gut...

While I was writing this a preview for a new Winnie the Pooh movie came on and it had Keane's song Somewhere Only We Know (which yes I only know the Glee version because well that's just me). I put the Glee version on repeat on my media player and I think it is pretty fitting, so I will leave you with that, after this long ramble:

Because These Are Always Fun...

I have a few good blogs rolling around in my head, unfortunately they seem to be staying there, so I'll do this instead. It started at 100 truths, however there are some numbers missing (but they were missing when I copied it!).

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. last beverage: coke
2. last phone call: Mom
3. last text message: Ryan
4. last song you listened to: Kissing by Bliss (from Sex and the City: The Movie)
5. last time you cried: I can honestly say I don't remember

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice? Yup
7. been cheated on? more times than I care to admit to
8. kissed someone & regretted it? Never
9. lost someone special? Yes
10. been depressed? Yes
11. been drunk and threw up? There was this one time after Club Rodeo and Korean BBQ...oh...or the Power Hour rally...oh college...or the night I bought the TV

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Green
13. Crimson
14. Cream

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2011)
15. Made a new friend? Yes
16. Fallen out of love? Nope
17. Laughed until you cried? Two words: Something Borrowed
18. Met someone who changed you? Yes
19. Found out who your true friends were? absolutely
20. Found out someone was talking about you? arg, but yes
21. Kissed anyone on your fb friend's list? no!
22. How many people on your fb friends list do you now in real life: All of them
24. Do you have any pets: 3 puppy dogs
25. Do you want to change your name? more than you know
26. What did you do for your last birthday? actual day: lunch at Inspirations Tea Room and shopping with Brittany and then to the Mont, party was the Saturday after...FABULOUS! (even when the cops showed up)
27. What time did you wake up today? 7:12 when the Helpdesk called
28. What were you doing at midnight last night?: sleeping
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: the pool to be done!
30. Last time you saw your mother: May 21
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?: nothing! (okay I would like to have more money, but that's it :))
32. What are you listening to right now? television
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Joe. a few of them
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: most things regarding my house
35. Most visited webpage: Facebook
37. Nicknames: none really
39. Zodiac Sign: Leo
40. He or She? She
41. Elementary? Lincoln
42. Middle School? Ardmore Middle School
43. High School? Ardmore High School
44. Hair color? Blonde
45. Long or short? Medium (ie. way the heck too long)
46. Height: 5'2"
47. Do you have a crush on someone? nope!
48: What do you like about yourself? everything
49. Piercings? ears: two in the left, one in the right
50. Tattoos? absolutely positively not

FIRSTS:
51. Righty or lefty? Righty
52. First surgery- gall bladder
53. First piercing- Ear rings
54. First best friend- Meredith Griffin or Katie Wilson
55. First sport you joined- softball (though I danced too)
56. First vacation- real vacation? Puerta Vallarta, but lots of business trips before that
58. First pair of trainers- how am I supposed to remember this???

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating - crackers, cheese and summer sausage
60. Drinking - coke
61. I'm about to - clean the house
62. Listening to - tv
63. Waiting for - pool to be done
64. Want kids? yes, but kid, singular, just one
65. Get Married? yup
66. Career? executive director of a non profit

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes? Eyes
68. Hugs or kisses? Both
69. Shorter or taller = Taller
70. Older or Younger = Older
71. Romantic or spontaneous = both
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = Both
73. Sensitive or funny = Both
74. Hook-up or relationship = ask my friends who have received texts about my birthday request ;)
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = I say trouble maker, but should say hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a strange= more times than I can count and alcohol was not always involved
77. Drank hard liquor = more times than I can count
78. Lost glasses/contacts = No
79. Sex on first date= No
80. Broken someone's heart = probably
81. Had your own heart broken = more times than I can count
84. Cried when someone died = yes
85. Fallen for a friend = unfortunately

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself= yes
87. Miracles = yes
88. Love at first sight = yes
89. Heaven= yes
90. Santa Claus= of course! otherwise you don't get presents!
91. Kiss on the first date = oh yes!
92. Angels = Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFUL:
93. Had more than one bf/gf at the same time? No
94. Is there one person you want to be with right now? nope
95. Did you sing today? nope
96. Ever cheated on somebody? No
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? I wouldn't go back and change anything, but there are several days I would love to relive
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? Jan 3, Jan 12, Jan 15, Mar 18/19

A Lot Can Happen in Two Weeks

To say that the last two weeks have been challenging would be an understatement. Many things have gone on and I cannot believe how both quickly and slowly they have moved. I am preparing to write about three of these events, though there are countless others that I am refraining from commenting on. Let's just say I am focusing on the positive rather than dwelling on the negative.

One thing has has happened that I will mention here is that I found an amazing blog. Her name is Whitney and she's an OU alum. It is called Fairytale Beginnings and you can check it out here. She is witty and funny and a great writer, not to mention she has an amazing story that, at times, will leave you looking for affection and a cold shower. It is also neat to read about things such as OU/Texas weekend and Walker Tower and know exactly what she's talking about because I've been there too. I've rather enjoyed reading from another Sooner!

Reading this blog (and you have to start from the beginning, no starting in the middle!) has made me think about relationships and what I want in one and when I want one. There may be a blog post about that, but I might keep it to myself, time will tell on that one. Go check her out, the blog is well worth your time!

I have about a week and a half before summer school starts (only one online class that I'm really interested in) and the pool is almost ready (well it has no liner in it at all, but that is a step in the right direction, more on that when it is totally done) so I'm hoping to get some writing in and then a lot of laying out and reading done for the summer. I'm planning on this being one of the best summers ever, so I'm ready to get things started.

Now off to write my three posts about how the last two weeks have changed my life, or at least made me grateful for where I am in my life, who I share my life with and all that fun stuff.

Pomp and Circumstance: Some Observations

Today one of my favorite people in the world graduated college. I can hardly believe that she is old enough to be a college graduate, but she is. It seems like just yesterday I was being dragged through a wedding reception to get cake. That was 14 years, four graduations, lots of hours of studying, too many tests, countless all nighters, hundreds of thousands of words written in papers, and too many tears to count, entirely too much alcohol and debauchery later.

Haley graduated with a degree in Letters today. That's a part of the College of Arts and Sciences. The College of Arts and Sciences is the largest college at OU. What exactly does that mean? It is a REALLY long ceremony. Haley was in about the second row, so after she walked I was a little bit bored and my phone wouldn't work to play on facebook or anythings, so I just jotted down some observations on the day:

• Prior to my graduation next year I need to acquire some loud friends
• Around 11:55 I started to wonder if I really wanted to sit through this for a 4th time (I REALLY love you Mary and Haley!)
• Why didn't I know about multidisciplinary studies?
• Didn't Longar Longar play basketball like 10 years ago? At least he graduated... (I looked this one up just now and he played from 2004-2008, so good for him for coming back and finishing his degree)
• There are lots of blonde zoology grads (stereotyping, but that really surprised me)
• NO ONE looks good in a cap and gown
• But it looks better if you have lots of flair
• Bring extra batteries (my camera died just before they walked out, which really sucked because I had a GREAT seat for picture taking)
• If I get a Ph.D. it must be from a smaller college
• Don't get in line by someone with a military title...your name will sound pitiful
• They put the name cards on a string...I guess so they don't lose them...I think that's smart
• Cell phones work about as well in Lloyd Noble for graduation as they do at any sporting event, which is not well
• I think people have started telling me things start 30 minutes earlier than they do so I make it on time (I thought it started at 10:00 and rushed back from Ardmore to make it on time, but thank you for that)
• I wish my last name was Aha (yes I just heard that for real)
• When (if) I walk I'm decorating my hat this time and sending a picture of it to James Meece and Shirley Morgan (long story from my high school graduation, I'll tell that story some time)
• At least the rows get shorter as you go farther back
• What degree do I have to get to get the nifty robe and the neat beret?
• My favorite hat said "hire me" not real original, but oh well
• When you put your cap on the crown of your head so you can see your bangs and it's at a weird angle it looks DUMB
• I don't like mohawks on anyone, however they are tolerable on kids; they are completely inappropriate if you have wrinkles
• Football players DO graduate...even if it's sociology...congrats Austin Box, Quentin Carter and Travis Lewis
• I hope someone loves me enough to have a congrats banner printed for me (not really)
• Traditional ethnic attire scares me (sorry if that's not PC)
• A lot of attire I saw today, period, scared me
• If you get to convocation 50 minutes early you get great parking and your choice of seats

Again, my camera didn't work, so this is the best picture I could get with my cell phone. Congratulations pretty girl! I love you!

Fairytales and AshleyMadison.com

I think I have become jaded on relationships lately. At this point in my life I don’t want to be in one. I’m pretty sure this is exactly opposite of what any 29 year old woman should be thinking, but it is really true.

This is not to say that I don’t want a relationship EVER, just not right now.

For one I don’t have time for one. I am working full time, going to grad school full time, am really active at church and am really active with the Junior League of Norman. Not to mention I have amazing friends that are all fighting for my time and I have adorable children in my life that I enjoy actually getting to see at times besides births and birthday parties. Then there is always the pool drama that has started this week.

Another reason is that I don’t really care to make any effort to look for one. I know, I know, when you stop looking that’s when it happens and certainly that has happened for me in the past, but I mean seriously. I have friends that are on eharmony, match.com, okcupid and other dating websites. I have a twofold reason for being anti-online dating. The first is very simply I like stories and I want to have a good story and I do not want to explain to my grandchildren that I met grandpa online. Just not my thing. I have friends who tell me that it is socially acceptable now, well I don’t care, it is not acceptable for me. Now, stepping down from that soapbox, another reason for not wanting to look is simply that love is never sitting around waiting to be found, it finds us, so the way I look at it, why break my back going out to bars or wherever when very simply I’m going to meet Mr. Perfect at Borders or Panera or at some non profit event? I also don’t want to go around looking for love because then I would have to give up something in my life and frankly I really like how my life is right now and I’m not willing to budge!

I also HATE dating. I mean I really, really hate it. Love being in a relationship; hate “dating.” There are always those questions of “is he seeing someone else?” “does he like me better than everyone else?” “are we taking things too fast?” “are we taking things too slow?” Just too many questions. Don’t get me wrong I love the new feelings and the first kisses and all of that mess, but in the end I like knowing what I’m getting myself into and I don’t like taking risks.

Probably the most prevalent reason for my lack of desire to “couple” is that I’m not sure that I believe that relationships can really work anymore. This is such a sad thing to say. It’s a battle between my brain, which says relationships are just doomed to fail, and my heart, which believes that it will all work out just the way it was meant to be. I am a hopeless romantic, I really, really am, and as much as I preach against it I do think there is one person out there for everyone and the stars will align just right at just the right time and everything will fall into place and we’ll live happily ever after. (I try to ignore this annoying thought as much as possible though.) We grow up having the idea of the fairytale pounded into us, especially as girls, and there is something about that which makes me sad. I don’t really think everyone gets the fairytale (though my gut feeling is that after all is said and I done I will end up with the fairytale, call me a pessimistic optimist). However, in the last few weeks I have learned information about some friends that are in seemingly happy marriages. These are really good guys, if they are doing what they are doing then what about the rest of the world? I am really wondering what our society has come to.

There are certain actions that I have been thinking about lately.

The first is cheating.

What exactly constitutes cheating and an affair? Does it have to be having sex with someone else? Could it just be a kiss? What about having an emotional relationship with someone that you’ve never seen in person, but you share more with them than with your significant other? Infidelity has been around as long as the world has (don’t think that “thou shalt not commit adultery” commandment wasn’t put there for a reason).

I remember the old days (well not really, but follow along) when to have an affair you would call home and say you were working late and then go to the bar to pick someone up. Sneaking around to seedy motel rooms during lunch breaks. Having your buddies cover for you when your spouse asks where you were. Ah the good old days. At least it was a little bit easier to get caught by a paper trail back then. Then came the technology age: chat rooms (if they still exist), instant messenger, and social networking websites. Again, you’re leaving a trail, your spouse can check your history on the computer.

But now we have computers in our pockets: smart phones with text messaging and Internet. Before someone could look at a phone bill and notice unusual calls, but now it takes an act of Congress to get a hold of text message content (but it can be done for any would be cheaters reading this) and I don’t know if you can get a record of specific Internet usage on a phone. Not to mention we always have our phones with us, it is rare (shut up Kristin and Travis) for me to go anywhere without my phone and I know I’m not the only one. All of these allow for an individual to cheat pretty easily.

This brings me to the article that got me so riled up. I was on Yahoo checking my email last week and found an interesting article. Basically a man and woman went undercover for Redbook magazine to a website, ashleymadison.com, which at the time I had never heard of. If you have not heard of this let me give you a few tidbits as to what this website is for. In a lot of ways it is a dating website, like eharmony or match, however this particular site is geared to individuals that are in relationships. Their slogan is: Life is Short. Have an Affair. An entire website that is devoted to encouraging and facilitating affairs. Are you kidding me? The creator of the website said that the whole point of this is to help people “hook up” meaning no strings attached sex. The problem is that it didn’t stop with sex. Not saying that sex with someone that is not your spouse or significant other isn’t bad enough, but what the undercover reporter found is that so many of the men she went out with were looking for emotional connections that they weren’t getting at home. Who’s to blame? The woman because she isn’t giving the man what he needs? The man because he’s not giving the woman what she needs?

I don't really understand cheating. I have heard that people don't want to hurt their partner or their children. In my humble opinion the psychological ramifications of being cheated on is much worse than a break up on a significant other. When it comes to children, what exactly is cheating teaching them? (Note: the following scenario is if the male is cheating on the female, I realize it could go the other way as well) If you get caught, and let's be honest, the truth always comes out, if you have daughters you are teaching them that they should put up with someone cheating on them and how would you feel if someone did this to your daughter? If you have sons then you are teaching them that it is okay to treat others this way. Neither one is great.

This was a quote from Hot In Cleveland which was on again last night:

"This is why the Internet was invented: for men to find pictures of naked celebrities and women to cyberstalk the men they trust."

When you are someone who has been cheated on it is really hard to ever trust again. As far back as high school I can remember boyfriends cheating. Of course there is the “we weren’t really together” excuse that makes it okay, but it’s not. As we press onto new relationships, is it wrong to check up on the person you are dating/engaged to/married to? What if they never cheat and yet you still check up on them? Does that put you in the wrong? What gives you any reason to trust them? When you have been burned over and over giving that trust away gets really hard. Or, worse yet, it is really easy to give away. You get to a point when you just think, well maybe this one will not disappointment me, I’ll take that risk. In my experience every time they end up being just like the last one and the one before that.


Another major concern that has come to light in the last six months or so is that of domestic violence. Last semester in my Current Problems class one of our groups presented on this topic. It scares me to death that a lot of individuals that hurt their spouse never showed any indication of any type of violence when they were dating. That is terrifying! We also see domestic violence all over the place. Who hasn’t heard of the Rihanna/Chris Brown relationship? How many of us blew it off? I know I did, clearly she was just making too big of a deal about it. Then there is the song by Rihanna and Eminem.

“You ever love somebody so much You can barely breathe When you're with them You meet And neither one of you Even know what hit 'em Got that warm fuzzy feeling Yeah them chills Used to get 'em Now you're getting sick Of looking at 'em You swore you've never hit 'em Never do nothing to hurt 'em Now you're in each other's face Spewing venom And these words When you spit 'em You push Pull each other's hair Scratch, claw, bit 'em Throw 'em down Pin 'em So lost in the moments When you're in 'em It's the rage that took over It controls you both So they say it's best To go your separate ways Guess that they don't know ya Cause today That was yesterday Yesterday is over It's a different day Sound like broken records Playin' over But you promised her Next time you'll show restraint You don't get another chance Life is no Nintendo game But you lied again Now you get to watch her leave Out the window Guess that's why they call it window pane”

Maybe this is an attempt to make domestic violence more talked about, or maybe it’s glorifying it. Regardless the thoughts are there. I don’t have any personal experience on this one (another scary thought), so I can’t go into a huge rant on it, but it is still something to worry about.

Then there is probably my biggest concern: codependency. Because of a whole lot of reasons that I’m not going into here I have a lot of codependency issues. I am lucky that I am recognizing it earlier and earlier now. I know a lot of great people that are going to get themselves into really bad relationships because they want to fix someone. It is easy to say that you’re going to love someone exactly the way they are, but frankly, at least for me, that’s really hard.

I agree with this quote by Anne Frank:

“Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart.”

I very much believe in people. I believe that people are going to do the right thing. I believe that people can do anything they put their minds to. And I believe that they will, eventually, put their minds to it.

This is a problem. I get hurt because of this. I have many, many, many examples, both in romantic relationships and in other relationships. In Eat, Pray, Love Elizabeth Gilbert wrote:

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

Oh my, oh my, oh my does that sum me up. It scares me that every time I am even remotely interested in someone. I ask myself, what if I do it again.

Actually, I don’t ask myself that, which is the problem. After I get out of the relationship I realize that I did it again. When I am in the throws of “in love” or even “in like” I walk blindly in ignoring all signs that the person could be a cheater, a beater or a project.

So is my picker broken? Do I have a bad judge of character? Or are all of these bad relationships just leading me up to one great one?

The romantic in me believes the last one. I learn something from everyone that I encounter in some sort of serious way. It might be a quality that I like and will look for again, or it might be a huge warning sign that tells me to run away scream.

In the end I want a fairytale. I don’t know when that fairytale will happen, but I truly believe it will. I pray that there is one person out there that will not disappointment me in all the ways that I have mentioned. This is not to say that he won’t disappointment me somehow and I won't disappoint him, I mean we are all human.

I will end this rambling rant with one more quote, from Sam Keen:

"Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly."

(So long as that imperfection isn't infidelity or violence!)

Some Observations This Week

Totally random, but I haven't blogged in forever and these things have been on my mind:

• Some people really need to lose my phone number (and any other means by which to contact me for that matter)
• Good guys always finish last (and I will admit I place them there too...drat)
• Even with recent happenings I still feel that I have a great judge of character
• Snow is only okay if there are skis on my feet and a lodge with a warm fire, hot tub, wine and hot chocolate close
• I thought I wanted to be on bedrest for an extended period of time at some point in my life (and I would be okay with it); after being snowed in for two days I have changed my mind
• I like guns
• I like really powerful guns
• I am a REALLY good shot (watch out)
• I am about to have my concealed carry permit (when I get the pictures I will do a whole post on the class)
• I hate when you never notice something and then once you associate it with someone you see it EVERYWHERE
• You really can totally get over something, without even realizing it; one day you just wake up and realize that you don't care anymore
• I know who my real friends are
• People eventually show their true colors
• You never know where you might find a best friend
• Sometimes I take on extra work just because I know it will be good for me
• Horses should not be allowed in the house
• I can't think of anyone I would want to be snowed in with right now
• A lot of people really annoy me
• I spend way too much time on facebook
• I cleaned out my personal email on Tuesday and if I had a dollar for every facebook email I deleted I would be on a vacation in Hawaii right now
• Regardless of a previous comment I really want to snuggle right now
• I'm sick of my house
• I want my house to clean itself (they make self cleaning ovens, why not self cleaning houses???)
• I'm ready for summer
• And all the work that is coming with the pool
• I really want to go to the lake
• I really want to go to the beach

Okay that's about all for now. Can you tell that I'm bored? Yeah I'm tired of the snow! :)

I missed some:

• Women (in particular) have an inexplicable desire to bake when snowed in
• I can turn queso into very yummy taco soup (I shall call the new recipe "Queso Soup")
• I learned a bunch about where you can take a gun (legally), who can have a gun and VPOs
• I purged my facebook of people that I don't know
• Do not add me on facebook if I don't know you

Learning

We should learn something new every day, right?

Today I learned that I do not, under any circumstances, want to be a counselor! Even this afternoon I was debating it. Maybe after I take Theoretical Foundations and I understand some of this a little more I will, but right now I don't! I am super excited about my classes next semester: Grant Writing (yay!!!!), Program Planning, Implementation, and Evaluation, and Research. I need to solidify a thesis (I have a few ideas floating around my head).

And...

I may be able (cross your fingers) to use starting my non profit as my internship! One of my friends said that she thinks there is a professor (the non profit professor) that might go for it! I'm not really sure how that will work, but I am totally willing to do it. (I really wanted to put an exclamation point after that sentence too, but I didn't, but I am really excited. :))

Not much of a post. I'll write more this weekend.

Not Thirty in Thirty

I need to finish Thirty in Thirty (which is looking more like 15 in 60 or something), but here's some randomness instead of paper writing:
1. Where are you right now? on my bed

2. How long until your birthday? 8 months and eleven days

3. Are you better at math or art? depends on what you define as "art" but I'm pretty good at both

4. Who was your 4th grade teacher? Mrs. Pearson for a bit, then Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Thompson

5. Where did you go to pre-school, if you went at all? No preschool

6. Who was the last person to call you? Mom and it was well over 24 hours ago (I love days like this :))

7. Do you own a digital camera? yup, but I need new batteries for it (rechargables suck!)

8. How old is the cellphone you have right now? I got it in May

9. Can you do a handstand? Nope

10. Have you ever had a pet fish? Cornelius!

11. Did you kiss or hug anyone yesterday? Nope, I only saw the people at Chipolte (it was a nice day)

12. Do you think people have any misconceptions about you? Oh yeah

13. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love? I’d rather not

14. When's the last time you flew on a plane? NYC for Thanksgiving in 2005...too long ago! Should be on one in a few weeks for Christmas (again to NYC)

15. Honestly, what's on your mind right now? That I need to go to bed

16. What did you do today? Church, picked up the house, Youth, watched “The Power of Forgiveness” for my online class, wrote a paper, talked to a friend on fb chat, and started another paper

17. What was the last tv show you watched? Tv show? Um…Better with You I think (I watched a couple of movies)

18. What are your plans for tomorrow? Work and class

19. What reminds you of summer? Pool!

20. Do you prefer to watch scary movies alone or with another person? I prefer not to watch scary movies

21. Have you ever seen the tv show "ace of cakes"? Of course, I love Duff!

22. Does it annoy you when people answer questions in a different language? So long as I understand them, no

23. Do your neighbors have any dogs or cats? No idea (is it bad I’ve lived here two years and only know one neighbor?)

24. When are you gonna move away from home? I moved away like 11 years ago

25. Who was the last person you threw out of your life? Um…I don’t know?

26. How many windows are opened on your computer? Round about a bazillion (though I just closed some)

27. What was the last thing you said out loud? Probably something about points at Youth to Chris

28. Is Christmas stressful? Not this year, it’s vacation time!

29. Does it take a lot for you to cry? nope

30. What is making you happy right now? The fact that school is almost out and I get four days of peace and quiet this weekend

31. What are you sick of? Nothing really right now

32. Do you think two people can last forever? Yes I do

33. What is your favorite kind of weather? Not too hot, but hot enough for swimming

34. Would you change yourself for someone? Been there, done that, don’t plan to do it again

35. Are you a loud person? Some say I am

36. Are you ready to get out of this town? I love my Norman! But I am ready for NYC

37. Do you get along with guys or girls better? Guys, totally

38. Do you think you've made a difference in anyone's life? I think so

39. What was the WORST thing that happened to you today? Um, nothing?

40. Has someone ever told you that you have really pretty eyes? Yes…ah Cliff summer after junior year (others have too, but I really remember that one)

41. Who was the last person's voice you heard? Aside from the radio, Chris

42. Are you good at giving directions? Yup, very descriptive

43. Are you waiting for something? To go to bed

44. Who would you allow to read your thoughts for one day? No one, that would be too scary

45. Type a lyric from the song you're listening to? Just listening to the fan

46. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? mom

47. Seven days from now, will you be in a relationship? Highly doubtful, or not a romantic relationship (which I assume is what is meant), I am in lots of other relationships though

48. Are you a happy person? I’m trying

49. Do you think you’ll be married in 10 years? I really hope so

50. Do you currently have a hickey? negative

51. Are you usually wide awake in the morning? never

52. How did you get home today? My car

53. Do you know the last person you were in a car with other than family? I don’t remember the last time I was in the car with someone else?

54. Can you sleep in jeans? Probably so

55. What was something that happened to you in 1990? I got caught cheating on a standardized placement test, but it was not malicious, I didn’t realize it was considered cheating if you were explaining a concept to someone

56. Do you believe that what's meant to be will find its way? totally

57. Everyone has someone for them, right? Not necessarily, but everyone has a destiny that is meant for them, whether that results in a person is a different question

58. Do people ever mistake you for being a different race? Not sure about this one, but I’m certainly not in the same race as my coworkers

59. Do you even KNOW how to do the laundry? Of course, did two loads tonight…do I know how to put it up? Not so sure about that

60. Have you ever been called a punk? I’m sure I have

61. Have you ever gotten in a physical fight with a member of the opposite sex? nope

62. Physics or chemistry? chemistry

63. Have you kissed anyone this past week? nope

64. Do you ever get "good morning" texts from anyone? Not right now

65. When you see new people, do you judge how they look and act? I try not to. I try to remember that everyone has a story

66. Will you be up before 7 a.m. tomorrow? doubtful

67. Without stating the name, say something to someone you dislike? Stop whining!!!!

68. anyone ever told you they love you? yup

69. In one word, how do you feel right now? Like I should be ready to go to sleep (yeah more than one word, deal with it)

70. Ready for kids? Yes, but the timing is not right, right now

71. What's one thing you do when you're mad? cry

72. What are your LEGAL initials? WDN

73. What do you really think of Starbucks Coffee? I love it, when I can afford it

74. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? There are a lot of members of the opposite sex that mean a lot to me

75. Does anyone call you by your last name? Sherrie!

76. Are you talkative? yup

77. Do you think before you speak? sometimes

78. How's your heart lately? It is actually really good, quite content

79. Do you think age matters in relationships? I would like to say no, but I cannot get over dating someone that is younger than me (that’s just me, fine if others do it, but not my thing)

80. If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? Yes please!

81. Can you handle constructive criticism? Some days

82. Are you a private person? It depends on the subject, some things I’m very open about some things I’m very guarded about

83. What are your thoughts on the world? Why can’t we all just get along?

84. Do you catch yourself running from situations? I’m trying to get better at it

85. Connection between you and the last person who text messaged you? Very good friend

86. Can you recall the last time you liked someone? Last week: new crush alert!

87. Where is your phone? To my right

88. Are you happy with the way things are going? I actually am

89. Would you ever get a tattoo? nope

90. Do you mind sleeping on the floor? Would rather not

91. Honestly, do you hate the last girl you were talking to in person? nope

92. Spell your name without an E:Wndy Dawn Nwton

93. When you are home alone do you still close the door when you shower? Yes, because I don’t want the dogs to jump in with me

94. What was the last item you bought? Snack after church

95. Do you have any piercings? Ears, two in the left one in the right

96. In the last 24 hours have you done anything you regret? I have no regrets

97. Has a friendship ended recently that you wish had not? I think I’m in the process of a friendship ending and it makes me sad, but it’s just not the same as it used to be and that’s life

98. Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level? Reasonable level

99. Can you watch scary movies? I can watch them, I prefer not to

100. Look out the window, what do you see? Swimming pool and pool toys that need to be deflated (yes I know it is November)

101. Has anyone ever spelled your name wrong? Oh yeah

102. Is your bedroom window open? No bedroom windows, just sliding glass doors

103. Are you drifting away from any friends? I think so

105. Do you believe exes can really ever be "just friends"? yup

106. Who was the last person you called? The mortgage company on the little house Friday

107. What are you excited for? NYC for Christmas!

108. Do you still think of the person you fell hardest for? Yup, though I don’t know that I know who that person is…

Day Ten

Ten Days: Day Ten: One Confession

Hmmm...what to confess? There could be my undying love for...













um, nope. Or I could confess that I cheated on...











don't think so!

Instead a little more about me.

For years and years I proclaimed that I wanted a "normal" life: one husband, one wife, two children (a boy, then two years later a girl) with matching initials both born before my thirtieth birthday. I wanted to be a stay at home mom; I wanted a husband who would work and make all the money that we needed to live in our perfect 2600 square foot home, complete with a formal dining room and a swimming pool (with perfect landscaping). I did not want anything that could be considered "odd" or "strange" by my children's friends or anything that they would have to explain. One job per adult (mine, of course, would allow me to work at home and just make "play" money). I wanted this for a long time.

This life was the stark contrast to the one I grew up in. My parents were 36 and 39 when I was born. My mom worked outside the home, my dad was self employed (with about 15 businesses running through the house). We went on business trips all the time and I missed a lot of "normal" kid things (Homecoming namely). Not to mention I had to explain all the "cowboy" stuff (I will not do this here, sorry!).

Needless to say, personality wise, I am about a 180 from my parents. I always have been and probably always will be. I yearned for the lives that my friends have: the "status quo."

John Lennon said: Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans. That quote completely describes my life!

For starters I did not meet my husband-to-be in college and did not get married the summer after graduation and did not start having babies in the amount of time deemed appropriate. Instead I started a job, that I didn't love, but ended up meeting wonderful people. I dated a guy: FAIL. I dated another guy and fell in love. We broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together, got a dog, broke up, got back together, bought a house, got another dog, got another dog, got ANOTHER dog, got engaged, bought another house, planned a wedding, and forty-one days before he called it off.

Um...where do I go from here?

My whole perfect house (almost the size I wanted, but no formal dining room, but with the pool!), two children, stay-at-home mom dream was dashed. Here I was 27, approaching 28, and back at square one. I was devastated to say the least. There were days that I just prayed and prayed that we would get back together and all would work out like my plan. In the end that was not the plan for me.

I found a great church a few months later, found wonderful friends, all was perfect again. I was single, but I was okay with that. I healed from the relationship. Then, all of a sudden, the sermons started to be about "taking risks" and "walking through open doors." ARG! Stupid challenges! I never met one that I didn't go for. I started, very lightly, thinking about grad school. It was a crazy idea. What would I do? What did I want to do? Where did I want my life to go? I had figured out, during this time, that I love people and I want to help people. I mentioned this to my wonderful best friend who used the lowest of the low argument for why I should go to grad school: what are you going to tell your daughter if you had the opportunity to go to grad school and didn't do it? REALLY??? Using my yet to be conceived child against me? Did it work? OF COURSE!

A short time later, there I was applying to OU, not really sure how I was going to pay for it, writing a personal statement, getting my three recommendations. My mom got the scholarship information from my tribe (the Chickasaw Nation...stop your laughing, I am 13/256 which, with a CDIB card, is the perfect amount to have grad school totally paid for!) I applied, and found out that I got in on a Thursday; the semester started the following Tuesday! I enrolled in what I could, got snowed in, slipped and slid to get books, got all my scholarship stuff turned in and was off on a new adventure!

In the meantime of all of this, all my wonderful new (and old) friends did the unthinkable: they all got pregnant. Seriously there must have been something in the water. This was HARD. I want to be a mom more than anything in the world and here was everyone around me, even those that weren't trying, getting what I wanted. Pretty much everywhere I went was hard to deal with. Watching them find out the sex, go register, have showers, prepare for labor, have the beautiful babies and get to be mommies; I'm not going to lie, I love them all, but there were moments (days, weeks) that I was not happy for them. I was angry. This was supposed to be MY time, and it wasn't.

Then I went to Austin.

I had a crush on a boy who liked indy music. (Oh yeah this was not a secret to anyone, though I'm not saying names!) My friend Lucy was going to South by Southwest (which I went to my last year in undergrad). It was the week of spring break and I had Friday off. I only had to take off one day and got to be gone for four days. I had been talking to a guy and realized that he was lonely and I enjoyed talking to him, however he just wanted to be with someone (or that was my perception of the situation). On the way to Austin this hit me. And I did not like it, one bit. I was better than being "insert girl here" into someones life.

That's when it hit me: I had concocted this amazing life and was just looking for "insert guy here." Uh oh. If I didn't want to be that person, why on earth would I want to be with someone who would settle being that person?

I also realized that I like the extraordinary! I don't want just a simple life! I want it to be fabulous and wonderful and I want people to look at my life and say "wow!" That is truly what I want. I want to make an impact. I want to change the world. I fought this for a long time. I kept pushing it out of my brain: this was NOT what was going to happen to me, I just want simple. Now, though, I have chosen to embrace it.

On that trip it was like a light went off. Here I was in Austin, which is such a fun city, part of the time I was with my friends, part of the time we went our separate ways to see different shows. I discovered some awesome bands, that I now love (check out 100 Monkeys, Carney, Lynhurst, and The Honey Brothers!). Most importantly, as I was driving around on Sunday, before I left, it just hit me: all of my friends are experiencing some awesome things right now (marriage, kids, etc.), but I get to experience all kinds of things right now too! I am getting to have amazing experiences and I get to be selfish for a little bit of my life. I put others first a lot and above myself a lot. I still have plenty of time to have all those things that my friends have.

The time will come for me to meet that special someone (or if I have already met him: when I figure out that he's who I'm supposed to marry) and get married and have babies. For awhile, post breakup, I thought that if by the time I turned 30 I was not in a committed relationship that would lead to marriage (starting to sound like If Lucy Fell? no the plan was not to jump off a bridge) I would just go it alone: pick out the perfect sperm donor and have a baby by myself. This whole blog thing actually changed that one: I read a blog that has a seemingly perfect husband and wife and an adorable daughter. Reading their blog, which I love to do, I see all the fun of having both parents and the baby and I think it is worth the wait!

In the meantime I am going to enjoy every day, for what it is, not as a stepping stone for what comes next. I will have all these amazing memories that I get to keep forever! I have amazing people that surround me and I always will. Some of the names and faces will change, but I choose to surround myself with the most extraordinary people!

This whole outlook was hammered home this summer when I met (finally) an amazing woman named Beth. I had heard about Beth for the last 20 years. My "adopted" grandparents when we were on the road were Teddie Jo and Charlie. Sadly, Charlie passed away last June. My mom and I went to Dallas for the funeral and at the lunch after we got to meet Beth. Beth dated their son, Blake, but they didn't exactly work out. Beth is now married, though she didn't get that way until later in life, has a beautiful son, and is happy as a lark as a stay-at-home mom. She lived her life and had all the experiences that I am having right now, then she got everything else she wanted (or that I assume she always wanted!). It was so encouraging hearing her tell me that I was on the right track! It was even more encouraging to see that she'd lived through all this and totally came out on top!

Okay, so that's Day Ten! The culmination of the Ten Day Challenge! It was a long one! What have I learned from this challenge?

I want to write! I mean I really do! I have already started outlining my first novel. I thank each of you that is reading this blog (and my current writing outlet) for all the encouraging words you have said about me having a talent to write. I know I don't have the best grammar in the world, but I have an amazing editor (who is having a baby girl tomorrow!) and I really, really love writing.

In the meantime of all of this I have also figured out that I DO NOT want to be a therapist! Great profession, totally think that, but I just don't feel that I would make the impact on the world that I want to. Hopefully I can take all the classes I need to prepare me to start a non profit in a year or so and can work it where I can have babies at work with me, surround myself with my friends who have the same passion that I do, and write!

Thank you to everyone who was mentioned in this blog, whether with or without names, you have truly impacted my life!

Day Four

Ten Days: Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.


1. Being a mom

2. Possibly not being able to have children

3. Meeting my future husband

4. To LPC or not LPC, that is the question

5. Graduation plans

6. Databases

7. How I am going to do all that I want to do with my life

Day Three

Ten Days: Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.


1. Have a good relationship with God

2. Have the potential to be an amazing husband and live up to it in all relationship statuses

3. Have the potential to be an amazing father

4. Kiss my forehead

5. Call me out on my BS (though I may glare at you for it)

6. When you are proud of me, say it, and mean it

7. Be there for me, for whatever it may be: catastrophic incident or needing help doing the laundry or holding me during thunderstorms!

Day Two

I'm supposed to be writing a paper for my online class, which I am, and for the record I wrote this last night! I did almost all the days last night, just posting them on the appropriate days!

Ten Days: Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
1. I want to be a writer. I have for as long as I can remember, but never thought I had the talent for it.

2. I want identical twin girls, have since I was 6.

3. I want to be a mother more than anything in the world.

4. I LOVE grad school! I can hardly believe I am saying this.

5. I am really independent, but totally scatterbrained and need someone to remind me to do the things that I can live without doing (laundry, oil changes, you know practical stuff)

6. I tend to get lost in relationships. I think I am in a “drought” to keep me from doing this again. I need to be 100% certain of “me” before I fall in love again.

7. I am a fixer, which is a double edge sword. I have to learn I can’t fix people, just myself. I want to fix everyone and take their cares away, but who would I be if I didn’t go through all I did? It’s not fair of me to take away those things from someone else.

8. I have a lot of friends (there is evidence in the number I have on facebook, which, by the way, I know every single one, I don’t just go around adding people to look popular). Those friends come from all kinds of different eras in my life. They all mean the world to me. I have always been this way. I can remember birthday parties when I was in elementary school when no one would know each other: this friend from school, that friend from dance, this friend from forever ago, etc. My birthday party this past summer is evidence that I am exactly the same way. I like it like that. I makes me feel more well rounded.

9. I will change the world. Sound like a lofty goal, huh? Not a goal for me, just a fact.

Day One

Ten Days: Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now. (Names not included)


1. You are my favorite person. I love and worry about you like you were my own child. My main worry is that you have such high expectations of yourself that you will not reach your dreams because you feel like you could do better than your dreams. I pray that you allow yourself to chase your dreams and know that they are what is best for YOU, not everyone around you.
 
2. You believe in me when I don't. You see the good in me when I don't. You know exactly what to say not only to make me feel better when I'm upset, but the right thing to frustrate the dickens out of me and challenge me. I can't believe the short amount of time that I've known you, but can't imagine life without you.
 
3. I am at peace with you. I want the best for you, but I don't know if you are trying to attain that for yourself and I pray that you do. I would not change a moment of the time I have spent with you and am thankful for all the laughter and each tear you caused; you made me the person that I am today.
 
4. You are my best friend. Hands down. We had a few rough patches, but you know me better than I know myself most days. I cannot imagine my life without you and going just a few days without communicating in some way just seems unnatural. I can see us at 90 in the nursing home still trying to figure out the gossip about old Gert and Homer and what they are up to! Nothing can stop us when we put our heads (and stubborn streaks) together.
 
5. Where do I start with you? You frustrate me more than anyone on the face of the planet. You don't listen to what you say; your words don't match your actions, your actions don't match your words, your words don't match each other and neither do your actions. Most days I want to ring your neck. But I love you and I can't help it. I have for too long to stop now. I don't know that you get me any more than the others, but I certainly get you better than most in your life. I just pray that you'll figure yourself out one of these days. If you do who knows what the future might hold?
 
6. I would not be who I am without you. Not only did you shape me into the leader that I am, you also started my spiritual walk and for that I am beyond grateful. As I have gotten older you have become a true friend that I can count on for anything. You are the one that, when I think that life has completely shattered around me, reminds me how strong I am. (Plus you have this amazing karmic power which you have passed onto me!)
 
7. I don't know you that well. Frankly we have only talked in person once, however you remind me that I am on the exact right course for me. Your life shows me that there is hope and happiness and that I'm doing everything exactly right. You are a constant guiding light that came into my life at the exact moment that I needed it and I pray will stay for a long time. I don't think it is a coincidence as to how I met you, or the timing of it. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for forging the path that I will follow.
 
8. I pray for you constantly. You are the one person that truly knows me, though I don't know if I have met you yet. I know about God's timing and I know in my heart that it is not time for us to be together, but I do wonder if I have met you! You are my partner, my friend, my lover, my confidant, but not my other half. You cannot be that for me. I have to be myself 100% before I can be anything to you. When I do meet you, and know who you are, I have to be okay being me, not being who you want me to be, and that is what I love the most about you: you will love me for exactly who I am at any given moment, not who I think I should be.
 
9. I love you more than words can describe. I pray for you every day and you are always on my mind. The love I have for you is immeasurable and I yearn to make every moment a wonderful memory. I want everything in the world for you and will do whatever I can to help make your dreams come true, because YOU are my dream come true.
 
10. This is the hardest one for me to write. You are strong; though most of the time you don't feel it. You are beautiful; though most of the time you don't see it. You are smart; though you always think that everyone else knows more and has it all figured out. You can accomplish anything that you set your mind to, and you know that. You don't need to be saved, but you want to be. You love too much, too deeply, for too long, but that passion is what drives you. You are loyal to a fault. You put others ahead of yourself, but you feel selfish, a lot. You are a good person. You WILL change the world, and while you are trying that you will also change yourself.

and...

11. I will say who this is about - AUTOSAVE! Thank you for saving this heartfelt post every few seconds so when stupid me accidentally hits the back button and can't go forward this was not lost!!!!