Subject Matter Expert

This is a term I have heard at work in regards to someone who is extremely knowledgeable in a particular field of interest. I have found out recently that I am actually a subject matter expert about something: CRAZY WOMEN.

Yes, yes, friends I am a recovering crazy woman. It wasn't all that long ago that I wrote pages and pages and pages of lamented, loving bullshit to an ex.

As I mentioned in the previous post my relationship history has not been exemplary. The good news is that I've learned a lot and grown up a lot since that time (I was 27, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it).

I have been the girl who calls and texts five million times just to get my point across.

I have been the girl that drives by your house just to see if you're home and feels a closeness just by seeing your car.

I have been the girl that wrote EIGHT SINGLE SPACED TYPED PAGES of ways to 'fix' our relationship entitled "What I Want..." (sister, if it takes you EIGHT SINGLE SPACED TYPED PAGES to fix the relationship you should probably not BE in the relationship)

Tonight I wanted to go back in time and slap my former self. Real hard. Like real, real, real hard.

Oh my geezes.

While cleaning out drawers in my kitchen I found a stack of papers. All the things I wrote (typed) and printed fundamentally presenting my case as to why my ex and I should get back together.

This was painful to read. Honestly I couldn't read all of it. I was so incredibly sad for the person writing it and while I knew it was me that had written it, my writing style, my tone, my words, my thoughts, my feelings, it was like a slap in the face of the person I've become.

Let me just give you an excerpt so you know the level of crazy I'm talking about here:

"Relationships aren't always easy and you're not always going to be happy every minute of the day. The same things happens when you are not in a relationship. That's just the way life is, there are good days and there are bad, there are good weeks and months and even years, but there can also be bad ones. Just because things get hard doesn't mean you should give up. I have grown so much over the last several weeks. [Editor's note: NO I HADN'T] I finally understand w here the problems we have come from. It has nothing to do with our relationship, [Editor's note: um...hello EIGHT TYPED PAGES] the baggage we brought into the relationship caused the problems, not the other way around."

 No, no, no, no, no, no.

Just no.

There are pages of this. Pages. I even have one set that I put page numbers on.

If I met someone who did this now I would pray for her and tell her to get out, not because I've been there, but because it's CRAZY. Crazy might be a harsh word to describe someone who has just gotten their heart smashed to pieces, but since it was me I feel pretty confident that I can use the term.

The truth of the matter is that this girl wasn't crazy. She was codependent and unaware what love really meant. She had found what she wanted to be love because she didn't know any better and when everything went spiraling out of control she did whatever she could to hold onto it, even if some of that behavior was a bit 'over the top.'

Reading through this I realize the things I desired from the relationship weren't that unrealistic, to be honest, however if I have to write down on paper that I need you to be kind to me and respect me after being together for a significant amount of time then we really shouldn't have been together. Obviously I'm not letting him off the hook, he did some bad things, but I let him, over and over, I let him treat me this way. I was so insecure and had such low self esteem that this is what I thought I deserved and didn't think I could find anyone else and could not bear to be alone. Knowing the person I am now I have tears in my eyes because I know that was true.

Someone who has just gotten to know me in the last few years will know a confident, secure, matter of fact, sarcastic person who would talk to the president the same way she talks to her best friend. A person who can command a room (when she's in a comfortable place). A person who smiles and laughs and is really funny.

The girl who wrote those papers I found was none of those things. But the things is, she was. Underneath all of that she was all those things, she just forgot. Bad relationship after bad relationship made her doubt who she was. She found her self worth through the eyes of someone else. She did not have the courage to get out of the relationship because her value only came as being the other half of a 'we'.

I'm glad I don't do those things anymore, but I'm also glad that I went through that period of time. I'm glad to be a survivor of that because I can help others. I can see that behavior in others and try to knock them out of it. Granted I have to remember how well I took these conversations when they were had with me at the time and show a little bit of grace.

I truly believe if I was to share some of these very private words with people who know me better than anyone else, but did not go through that season with me, they would think either I was writing fiction or I was showing them something someone else wrote. That is a completely surreal feeling.

If you are in a relationship that you have to fight for more than you enjoy, trust me, you shouldn't be in it. And that's okay. I am here to tell you, you WILL survive it and you will be so much better for everything you went through. Relationships, whether romantic or otherwise, should bring out the very best in you. A person that is good for you will make you be you-er than you've ever realized you could be. They will love every little quirk about you and not want to change one because they love YOU. They will make your face light up and give you a little twinkle in your eye.

But the thing is, you have to love you first. Love is an inside job, and until you love you then you won't be able to be loved the way you so very much deserve to be.

Standards (OR Terms and Conditions to Date Me)

The photograph above is a list that I made about 3 years ago with a few girlfriends of what I wanted in a husband. In case you can't read my scribble, and the fact it was written on a dry erase board that has been in and out of a cabinet I will type it here for you:

• Christian
• Bachelor's, Masters preferred
• OU Fan, no orange allowed!
• Must understand JL &Tiffany's
• Christian Grey type talent Ch. 12 & pg 118
• Job that doesn't move
• Independent
• Wants kids
• Spontaneous
• Preference: Never married, no kids
• Positive Personality
• Romantic
• Knows wine
• Likes to travel
• Respects women & friendships
• No debt
• Confident
• Nice smile
• Clean cut
• No tattoos
• Professional job
• Rich
• Older than me
• Blue eyes

WOW-ZA! (and yes we had all just finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey when this was created...)

Let's be honest, this isn't a checklist of all the required prerequisites for me to be attracted/date/marry someone. This is the wish list! These are the things I would pick if I was going into the Build a Boyfriend store...that's a thing right? They just don't have them in Oklahoma, like Ikea? 

I digress, a lot. A few years and a lot of life removed from this list there are some additions and some subtractions that I would make to this list. The specifics aren't particularly important, and the order of importance isn't particularly either, however a few things will be touched upon here.

Let me paint a picture of my life a few years ago, wants, desires, etc.

A few years ago I wanted two things: get married and have kids. That was it. Then that didn't happen like I so meticulously planned. There is this funny thing that I have learned in the last few years: people other than yourself get a say in the plans for their lives. 

Seriously? Who would have thought? CLEARLY I know better what would make a great life than the people affected by it.

No?

What I realized, however, is that I didn't even know what would make a great life for me. I learned that controlling people isn't very fun for the other person and that it's really not all that fun for you because they end up resenting you and not really liking you for who you are, because who you are isn't really all that great.

I had to take a big ol' swallow of the truth about codependency. This might be my favorite word to throw around these days (okay the last 5-6 years), trust me I have a friend or two that probably want to throw me for using it around them! (you know who you are) If you are not familiar with this term it came about around the time alcoholism became a recognized disease. It was found that spouses and children of alcoholics exhibited certain behaviors to deal with their alcoholic loved one. Enabling is a big one. Desiring to change the loved one is another. 

I once cried through an AlAnon meeting because it hit so close to home. I didn't have an alcoholic in my life, however the struggles that these people were facing were my struggles. I was doing the same things. I had been living in unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationships for a long time. There is no need to call out particular individuals in this because it doesn't matter, but it wasn't exclusively in romantic relationships. Throughout my life these toxic relationships were present. I handled things the only way I knew how: by attempting to control the situation to give myself a sense of control when things were very, very clearly out of control.

These are things that are hard to swallow. They aren't fun. They don't give you warm and fuzzy feelings. They hurt. They make you cry. They make you feel guilty when you realize what you put others through without realizing you were doing it. They make you question every little thing about your being and your ability to be in a relationship...even six years later.

As time passed and I took a few counseling classes in grad school, had some incredible friends that I still occasionally send a random text thanking them for putting up with me during that time, and a lot of time and soul searching I think I've got the codependency thing under control.

There's one fundamental problem with that though: I have not been in a relationship since the one where I was so very codependent. 

Want to know why? 

Well for starters (and my most favorite reason (read: excuse) to give) no one is asking. I use this one all the time, and it's true, no one is asking. Does this make me feel sad and depressed and like a loser? No not really. I have an incredibly full life and for someone to be in my life in a romantic way something else would have to give. Until very, very recently I wasn't willing to give anything up to make someone fit. Am I now? Maybe, but I'm still not 100% sure. I think I'd at least give it a shot though.

There's another fundamental reason: I AM SCARED SHITLESS. Like for serious. Have I really grown enough that I won't be codependent again? Is it possible for me to be in a healthy relationship? I mean I know what they're supposed to look like, but will I get completely enveloped with someone and get hurt like that again? I don't know, and that scares me. As previously mentioned, I have some control issues. They are a lot better than they once were, but I can control the situation of dating a lot better if I just don't do it than I can getting someone else involved.

Am I missing out on something?

Maybe. Well, probably. 

Would I be willing to jump off the dock and take the risk?

For the right guy 100% yes. However, in the last few years and with everything I've learned I've come up with some Terms and Conditions, shall we say. These are the standards which I will hold anyone I date to. They are not meant to be an ultimatum or an attempt to change someone. It simply means, if you are not able to live up to these standards then we don't need to be in a relationship, the end. Nothing mean, nothing controlling, just simply for me to be happy with myself in a relationship there are a few things that a suitor (isn't that a lovely word?) needs to be on board with.

The first thing, because I think it's the most important to me, is monogamy. I have done the 'fun, let's hook up and not be serious and just flit around' thing. And yes, it WAS fun. There is a thrill that comes with meeting someone at a party and never seeing them again or having a number you can call at the end of a night out, but I am past that point in my life. If someone was to come along that only wanted that then we're not going to be compatible, and THAT'S OKAY. I swear, I don't want to change anyone, however, for me to be able to look at myself in the mirror, I need that. If that's not who you are then that's not who you are, but we won't work. I would rather be alone than be cheated on again. Period.

Another thing, I need fun and excitement and spontaneity because I'm really, really, really bad at all three of those things. Well, that's not entirely fair, I am a fun person, however I get major tunnel vision and forget that having fun is an important part of life, so having someone in my life constantly making me throw out my calendar or making me do something crazy is not such a bad thing. 

Independence. Pretty much the opposite of codependency. Go, have your own life. That is awesome with me, so long as I get to have my own life and I'm doing it. I have been so wound up in someone else's story that I forgot to continue writing my own and that's a bad, bad deal. This is not to say that cowriting a story won't be awesome, but I need to have my own story independent of you and you need to have your own story independent of me and the way we merge those stories together is where the magic is. I need my own friends. You need your own friends. We need to be away from each other, that is okay. In fact, that's awesome.

(You may have realized I have started typing as if I am talking to potential suitors...didn't really intend to do that, but we'll just go with it)

Kids. Man this is a hard subject. For so many years the desire of kids was a non negotiable, but the older I get the more it is. I waver on this more that I probably admit to most anyone. Can I picture a life without kids? A few years ago I couldn't, but now that picture is getting clearer. I could completely see myself ending up with someone who either already has kids from a previous relationship and doesn't want more or doesn't want kids at all. It's easy to picture what a life of soccer games and dance class looks like, but the idea of not having that is a little fuzzier though it is coming into focus. It would be a life of sleeping in on Saturday mornings, traveling whenever we want, no weekends spent at a ballpark, no sleepless nights, money to spend on what we want. It's not really all that bad of a life, huh? Not dissing all my lovely parent friends, but just saying there is another option to life and frankly there are so many kids that need homes that having kids can have a different look. Ultimately, this rational allows for freedom: freedom to make that choice together instead of forcing an idea on someone (Look at that loss of control! Aren't you proud?!?)

And how am I going to meet this person?

I don't know. I really don't. Maybe I already know him, he's a close friend or someone I've met in passing through a friend. Maybe he's someone I'll meet at a book store in NYC. I don't know. Maybe he doesn't exist. I accept this is a possibility, however I hold out hope that's it's not a very realistic possibility. Hope is pretty much an awesome thing. I could go off on why I don't do the online dating thing, but your eyes are probably tired from reading so I won't go there, but I have my reasons and I'm sure I'll write about them later, just remember just because everyone else is doing it doesn't mean I have to (and a lot of times is the easiest way to get me to do the opposite).

I say all of this to get to this, priorities change through the years, months, weeks, and sometimes from day to day. In the end I want to find Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now, and I want to settle down, but I am never, ever going to settle. Settling is not an option for me. I know, for a fact, I can have a wonderful life if I don't find someone who can live up to what I want, what I need, out of a relationship (the stuff with lots of words, not the stuff on that list, though if you know a guy that fits all those send him my way...email address is on the right). It's really not as complicated as I make it out to be in my mind, when it comes down to it: don't cheat, be fun, be independent, and we'll figure out the kids thing together. (There are a few obvious ones from that list at the top too, but I don't think they need an explanation and we'll let you figure them out on your own :-p)

Pretty simple, huh? I think so...I know I've always wanted to find a unicorn, how about you?

I hope you enjoyed me diving back into writing, from the heart, and hopefully there will be more of this popping up on here, because I really do enjoy it.

Until next time...

I Love My Church

Since, for the most part, CrossTimbers has taken up the majority of my time (when not at the real job) it seems like the perfect place to start writing again.

A few moons ago I wrote a post and said that I chose to leave religion out of my blog. I had a million reasons why I did that. Being separated from that moment in time I can't seem to think of one. I'm sure it had a lot to do with not being entirely certain of my faith at the time. Not wanting to offend people probably was in there. Certainly I didn't want to start any arguments. Now, though, I don't really care. This is MY blog and my faith and my church is extremely important to me. If you don't like it, leave. Plain and simple. I don't want to argue. I don't want to try to change your mind. I simply want to tell my story. The one that I am living. I hope you will stay and read, but if you chose not to, well that's okay too. (Check back though, I'm sure there will be silly and frivolous posts coming soon too).

And on we go.

So I love my church. Plain and simple. We are in a campaign at CT that is called "I Love My Church." I didn't steal the idea, I really do love it.

Last week I was working in Lawton and was talking to a friend who simply asked "Why church?" I gave the answer, which I will give throughout this post, but I've spent the last eight days really thinking about that simple two word question.

My journey to get to CrossTimbers and become the person that I am wasn't exactly easy. It wasn't quick. I fought and fell and screwed up to get there and to stay there. I tried to run away, more than once, but ultimately something about this place and this faith grabbed me and wouldn't let go, no matter how I struggled against it.

I came to CrossTimbers about three months after my engagement was called off. I was a broken shell of a person. Everything I had built my life around had been taken from me. Thankfully I was able to retain a few amazing friends who never gave up on me. I also had one person who I met very quickly who was still floating around in facebook-land. I cannot thank God enough for Jennifer. From a simple conversation nine months before to an invitation on facebook on my birthday she was the catalyst to who I have become.

I went to a women's group event on a Saturday. I liked all the girls. Sunday I walked into worship where most everyone was in jeans and there were drums and loud contemporary music. I almost walked out, but I didn't. Thankfully I really hate hurting people's feelings. Chris did his sermon and I was hooked.

I promised I would not get overinvolved. Even going so far as to text my best friend that very statement as I am getting in my car to drive to the new building to set up. The next week I suggested a prayer card ministry, and as they say, the rest was history.

My journey at CT hasn't always been uphill. I fell more than once. In the past when that would happen I would be reprimanded, judged and embarassed or angry. Places I had been active at prior to CT were never home. They never had a feeling of unconditional love. This is something that I can say CrossTimbers excels in.

I worried for nearly three years that the other shoe would drop. That I would do something that was just bad enough that I would be pushed aside. In situations similar to this in the past I would push myself to a point that I was doing things simply so that I was doing so much that they couldn't get rid of me.

I feared being abandoned. {This fear was pointed out to me last week and I've been realizing lately just how true it is}

When I turned thirty I made up my mind that I needed an adventure. A big one. I was going to move to New York for a year. It seemed like the best solution. If my friends were moving on with their lives and leaving me behind (which is what it felt like, not how it actually was) then I would just get a head start. I would run before I was abandoned.

Then I realized that I was running again. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't, but I was.

I hadn't made my decision when I made a week and a half long trip to Manhattan just so I could know for sure. As he was driving me to the airport Chris simply said, remember that New York doesn't have CrossTimbers.

Two years of grad school had flown by taking my time and my energy. CT was growing and with that came more activities. I so desperately wanted everything to fall into place in my "five year plan" in Junior League.

I was tired.

I had a glorious time in NYC. I got to run around the city by myself and decompress. I came home and had big decisions to make. I was certain that moving was not the answer. Sure I'd had ten days of making my own schedule and not being overbooked, but, in my heart, I knew that if I moved I would do the same thing again, just with a different church, a different League, and with different people.

Location wasn't what had to change. I was what had to change.

In a conversation with Chris I mentioned that I really wanted to be in a relationship, like really badly. Then when asked my favorite part of my trip I said being on my own.

Contradict myself much?

It was as if I was wanting what everyone else had and neglecting what actually was making me happy. I wanted to put myself in the same box as everyone else because that's what I felt I should do. That being said, Chris gave me a deadline. He said I would fall in love by July.

Awesome.

I liked how he thought. I now had a set time that I could wait for. Eight months wasn't so long. I could SO do this.

I put my new countdown date on my countdown clock on my phone (along with my vesting date at work, my vacation, and graduation). I counted down the days.

In July we did a series called "Confessions of a Leader." Chris preached two weeks then Jason then myself. I talked about running, both in the physical and the emotional sense. I had realized that running to New York was not the answer to my problem. I loved CrossTimbers and I loved all the things that we were doing. The people we were reaching. The ministry that was occuring. The changes that were taking place in my life.

That one Sunday, though I'd written the sermon a month before, changed everything. That was the day that I made the commitment to the entire congregation, and to myself, that I wanted to make CrossTimbers the best place it could be.

That was July 29, 2012. Two days after that my countdown to falling in love ran out.

That was an extremely busy and amazing week. We pulled off the most amazing VBS. It touched the kids and it touched the adults. I watched transformations occur among the people of CrossTimbers. People who didn't want to be involved were singing and dancing with the kids. People who thought they'd just drop their kids off were in costumes leading groups by the end of the week. There were God sightings everywhere.

It was amazing.

I had to share my birthday with VBS which initially I was not thrilled with. I can say, without a doubt, it was the best birthday ever. I could not imagine being with anyone else but my CrossTimbers family on that day.

So, we all survived VBS. We had an amazing "box Olympics" with the youth to clean up after it. (CT people: ask Chris about the gymnastics).

Then Monday came.

The chaos had gone and I was alone. I'll admit it was nice, but I had to start making some big decisions. I was slated to be the Community Vice President for Junior League this year. I knew there was no way I could do it. I love the League, but it just wasn't what I was supposed to be doing. It took the entire week for me to get the courage to write the resignation letter, send it to the president and tell my close League friends what I had done.

I felt awful. I felt like a quitter. I generally will tough through stuff so that I don't let people down. I knew I couldn't do that this time and I knew that it was in the best interest for everyone involved for me to resign. I still felt awful.

When I'm having a bad day I drive. I found myself in Oklahoma City, close to the Devon Tower. Now, Devon is not exactly the skyscrappers of NYC, but it's the closest thing I can get to in my car, thus I tend to flock to downtown OKC just to be in the presence of tall buildings.

While driving around I drove by the Jaguar dealership. I have wanted a Jag, specifically an XK8, since I was in high school (yeah, yeah, Ryan Phillippe in Cruel Intentions caused that). As I passed the cars I realized that if I had the $75,000 to spend on the car of my dreams I wouldn't do it. If I had an extra $75,000 lying around I would give it to CrossTimbers. That is how much I believe in what we are doing.

So that got me thinking. I had this plan for working up to a full 10% tithe. I was starting simply because I didn't want to bust my budget. The more I drove and the more I thought the more I realized that if I wanted God to bless me at CT I needed to start trusting Him with the one thing I held the tightest: finances.

I made the decision to put it all in God's hands. From the next paycheck on I have given a full 10%. It is weird how things fall into place when you just start to trust God. Even though I have a tenth less money each month it somehow works out. I haven't had to worry about finances since then.

Over the days following that I started to think about my July 31st countdown (as it had now started to count up on my phone). I almost called Chris out saying that I didn't fall in love.

That's when I realized it.

I had fallen in love.

Head over heels, in fact.

It wasn't with a guy though (and not with a girl either, get your minds out of the gutter!)

I had fallen in love with CrossTimbers, with what we are doing there and with God all over again.

That moment changed me.

Never in a million years did I expect to be someone that people looked up to in the church, but that's who I've become.

Never in a million years did I expect to really know the Bible, but that's what I strive for.

Never in a million years did I think I would want to do this "church" thing full time, but now I can't think of anything else I would rather do, when the time is right.

I could list for you a million reasons I love my church.

I could start with the names of each and every single member.

I can name an amazing ministry that cares for CT and what I've seen God do at CrossTimbers because of it and how He has worked magic in the lives of those that are part of it.

I could tell stories of how lives have been changed, and saved, at CrossTimbers.

I could talk about people who had never walked in the door of a church and now are there every Sunday without fail.

I could tell about people who had just about given up on church until they came to CrossTimbers.

I could tell you about the confidence that I get by Chris trusting me with some extremely important ministries.

I can tell you about people that you would never think could ever be friends bonding over Bible studies.

I could name a group that needed a place to meet that has turned into an incredible ministry bringing people to God.

I can tell you how I used to breeze in late so that I would avoid greeters and get to sleep a little later to now getting there an hour before my Sunday morning group starts.

I could tell you about watching the faces of the kids coming through the Communion line getting bread (and sometimes juice) and watching the moment that they "get" what they're doing.

I could name a lot of little faces that call me Wennie or Wewe.

I could tell you of people who have had to move, due to their jobs, that post how much they miss it.

I can see it in the smiles, and the tears, and the laughter, and the prayers.

When someone asks me about CrossTimbers they get an invitation to come. Whoever they are, whatever they believe.

CT is like no other church I have ever been to. We're not perfect, but we strive to be the best that we can and it is something that you see anytime you see someone from CrossTimbers.

I read a book last summer by Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz. I love this quote:

I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes.

After that I liked jazz music.

Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.

I truly hope that every part of my being shows that I love my church and I love God. I strive to show God's love through this amazing little church in a strip mall in southeast Moore. I strive to show God's love through everything I do. I know I'm not perfect. I know there are things I can do better, but the most amazing thing about my God is that He loves me anyway. He loves me when I'm getting it right and when I could do a little better. My church is the same way. We don't allow perfect people to walk in the door (well I guess we would if we ever found one!). We embrace imperfections and quirks. That's what makes us who we are. There is room for everyone. I want everyone who walks in the doors of CrossTimbers to feel like it is home and that they are being asked into a family. Too many times I have felt unwelcome at churches and I strive to make sure that CrossTimbers is not like that. No one will be turned away.

So, to answer the simple question "Why church?" Because I love it.

Story Telling

I saw this on Pinterest a bit ago and it really fits with what I've been reading lately and just in general what I've been feeling. Oh, hello blog world, I suppose I'm back, we'll see how that goes and maybe you'll get an update on where I've been later, but for now I have a mild rant.

So this quote above talks about the story that we tell with our lives. You can take this from a religious standpoint or not, either way we only have one life and one fabulous story to tell. So over the last month I have read a couple of books by Donald Miller (LOVE. HIM.). The first was Blue Like Jazz (I promise I'll do book reviews again soon too...it is summer, there has been lots of reading!). This was his memoir about when he was college age. I would call him a writer who is Christian, not a Christian writer, but in the book he talks about friends he had who were not Christian and how he interacted with them. Pretty awesome. So after that came out some movie people found it and say "hey, let's make a movie out of this." What followed was him having to write the story of his life over, in the form of a screenplay for this movie. He then wrote A Million Miles in a Thousand Years about what it is like to rewrite the story of your life.

This book got me thinking. A lot. We all have a story to tell. We all have things that happen in our lives that intertwine with others' stories, leading to one great big story. While we sometimes like to forget that we're not the main character in our own movie it is kind of refreshing to realize what an impact our life has on the overall story of the world. The question then becomes what kind of story do you want to write with your life?

Let's take me, for example. I am thirty and single. Of my close friends I am one of very few that is not married and does not have kids. Both of these are things that I want, but that's not how my story has unfolded. I had all the plans in the world to make these happen, but that's not what happened. For awhile I was sad about this and I would compare my story to everyone else's and think that mine wasn't as good and wasn't as meaningful, but that's just not true. In the last thirty years (almost thirty one!) I have accomplished quite a lot. Rather than sitting around and waiting for my story to get going like everyone else's I have chosen to live my story.

When talking about what I have accomplished in my life with a friend last week, I said simply "well what else have I had to do with my life?" I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I try to rush things along because I do want the husband and the kids, but every little thing that has brought me to this point has mattered. And you know what, I have a GREAT story to tell. I have had amazing experiences with amazing people. Some of the chapters are sad and some are silly, but they all come together to make the book that is me, and I'm not even close to done with that book!

I'm not really sure at what point in life I became such an optimist, it really feels quite odd, but it's kind of becoming true. I think that comes along with being happy in life. Novel concept really. I am in such a good place right now. I haven't accomplished all that I want to accomplish, I still want to get married and have kids, but when I look back I don't feel like any of the time I have not had those things, no matter how long my friends have, I have not wasted any time. My time is extremely valuable to me and I do good things with it. Sure I am an introvert and tend to enjoy weekend nights home by myself, but that's a choice. It's just that I don't want to go out all the time. I love spending time with friends, but I enjoy spending time at home too, it's how I recharge myself to do all the things that I do throughout the week.

At some point in the future (no guesses on specific times) there will probably come a time when I meet someone that I want to settle down with. I look back at who I've date or who I've wanted to date (that's an interesting trip down memory lane!) and realize that if I thought those people were special the person that I actually fall for will be spectacular. The difference between that future relationship and those that I've had in the past will be the sum of all the chapters of life that I've had to this point. I have learned from my mistakes and hopefully will have a nice stable, healthy relationship (I hear that is actually possible!).

In the meantime I'm not going to let my age, location and marital status define who I am. If you don't like that I'm thirty, live in the Bible belt and am not married then frankly I have little use for you in my life. If you don't like that I'm thirty, own my own home, have a Masters and can take care of myself, then I don't have room for you either. I like who I am. I like what I've accomplished. And I like that my story has had highs and lows, I am thankful for each one because they have made me the strong person I am today.

So go out into the world and tell an amazing story with your life. It doesn't have to be over the top, just meaningful to you!

Saving Myself for Donnie Wahlberg…

Well maybe not really (or maybe so, who knows!) Here we are again that wonderful day of the year we all love so very much: Valentine’s Day. Last year I was pretty upset by this little twenty-four hour period, but this year I’m just really not. I really just don’t care, it’s just another day.

So why then am I writing a blog for the first time in a month and a half over the subject?

Contentment.

This is my word of 2012. I’ve had real issue with this word in the past because I thought that if I said I was content with my life that meant that I was happy staying where I was, which I’m not. I want to get married and have kids and that’s not where I’m at, so I didn’t want to tempt the fates into thinking that they could just leave me here and I’d be happy about it, because I wouldn’t be. Then a friend encouraged me to watch the movie Courageous. I won’t go into my analysis and critique of the movie because it isn’t relevant here. What happened was that the movie didn’t come out on DVD for some time after I was told to watch it, however I noticed a book at Barnes and Noble inspired by the movie: The Resolution for Women (there’s a men’s version too). I started this book at the beginning of the year and I’ll admit I have not been diligent about reading it every day, but I’ll get through it eventually.

The main point of the beginning and what struck me so much was this idea of contentment. The book laid it out in a manner that I not only understood, but completely and totally agreed with. It suggested the idea that we all have different seasons throughout our lives: seasons to be single, to be married, to be a parent, to be a student, to build our career, to be a kid and so on. The idea of contentment isn’t the idea that you have to be satisfied forever with what you have now; rather it is the idea that you are content, happy and enjoy what you have in the season that you are in. It was like a light bulb went off there in my bedroom.

Contentment doesn’t mean that I am giving up and saying, well I guess this is how it’s going to be and I have to live with it. Rather it gives me the opportunity to live my life to the fullest and enjoy this time I have. Now I’ve known all of this for years and for a long time I’ve told myself I need to learn to live in the moment, but they were just words and the voice in the back of my mind was telling me that I was biding my time until my “real” life started: the get married and have kids life. I don’t really know what the major difference this time was, but I really and truly got it this time around. I realize all the great things that I get to do because I am single.

I took an amazing trip to New York and DC in November and got to enjoy just spending time alone, which was amazing. That trip was all about having new experiences and finding myself along the way. I had never flown by myself before and that felt like this huge thing, that wasn’t really all that big of a deal. At the same time I made all the arrangements myself (besides a bus ticket to DC) and got myself where I needed to be all by myself. I’ve always been a very independent person, however I tend to stay in my own comfortable bubble and that trip pushed me outside my bubble and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I’m finishing my Masters. During the month of February not only have I completed my last class, but I also have to write my comprehensive exam (which I still don’t think is THAT big of a deal, but everyone else is flipping out about). To be honest I’m glad I’m single because I just really don’t have time, right now, to factor someone else in. I am doing everything I can to just have some “me” time in between class and paper writing.

On top of this we are starting some new things at CrossTimbers that I’m ridiculously excited about, but that are also kind of time consuming in the beginning planning process. (And, no, I’m still not 100% certain how this all ended up happening at once.) This has become an amazing opportunity that allows me and a group of people to truly make a difference in other people’s lives as well as our own and I’m so excited about the direction it is going.

February also includes seeing a dear friend in one of my favorite musicals, the birthday of a beautiful little girl, whom I adore, that must be showered with birthday excitement, a women’s retreat at my home church that I am beyond excited about, and to top it off a trip to Dallas with one of my most favorite people for the Jordan Knight solo show (because if you couldn’t tell at the beginning of this I am having some NKOTB withdrawals lately).

So all in all February is a really busy month for me. If I had been put in a relationship at this point the person I was with would probably be feeling abandoned or I would be focused on them and not all the other things I need to do. That’s kind of how my life has been these days. It’s not that I don’t want to be with someone; it’s that simply this is not the season for that.

I don’t know how long this season of my life is going to last. Maybe it will be that mystery date in July or maybe it will be sooner than that, but if it happens to be longer than that, then that’s okay too.

For the last few months I have been toying around with the idea of finishing my LPC (license professional counseling) classes. The class I just finished up sealed the deal on that. Basically I’m signing myself up for another year and a half or so of school, but I’m okay with that. I truly feel like it is the place that I’m supposed to be in this season of my life. I’m not really sure what this means in the long run of my life, but I feel certain that I’m going in the right direction and certain things that I thought would be happening right now are on hold for a reason, though I don’t know that reason yet. I figure at some point it will all make sense, why I have shifted my passion around, or put a major passion on hold for a little while.

For the time being, I am enjoying the fact that if I want to lock myself in my room and watch Dawson’s Creek for hours I can. If I want to hop on a plane to NYC I can. I am going to enjoy that I can do whatever I want at this point in my life. I fully believe that in the right time I will get all the things that my heart desires, but I fully believe that this is not the right time. I would rather enjoy my life now, single, than push for a relationship that isn’t right and end up more miserable in the end.

For the first time in a long time I am really, truly happy (albeit very busy and slightly stressed, but happy) and content with where I am. I would rather have a million Valentine’s Days alone than be in an unhealthy relationship again. All the things I have learned will go with me into my next relationship, which I will allow to happen naturally and not push for or try to force. That’s just not the way this crazy life works. And if you have a problem with me being thirty and single and my life not matching how yours looks, then that's your problem, not mine, and it probably means there is something lacking in your own life. I encourage you to take a look and try to find the missing piece. It took me a long time to put all the pieces back together to become whole and I’m glad I took that time because I would not trade it for anything.

So happy Valentine’s Day to all (and especially to Donnie Wahlberg…I’ll be here patiently waiting… ;))

Single

When did this become such a bad word? Why is it that when one is single they get the words "oh well you'll find the right guy at the right time"? What if, this is a crazy thought I might get locked up for, we don't want to get married? What if we don't want to date? What if we make the conscious decision that this is not something that is meant for our life at this point in time and frankly could never be meant for us? Is that wrong?

When I turned thirty at the beginning of the month something inside of me just clicked. No longer did I have the desire to try to play catch up to all the people around this part of the country that seem to think the only way you have value at my highly advanced age if you are married and have children. I have an amazing life. I do a lot of volunteer work, I am finishing my Masters, I have amazing ideas of how to help the world, and yet I spent most of a decade thinking that wasn't good enough. Basically I wasn't good enough for me. And that is stupid. I spent a long time trying to do the things that others in my world were doing, as much as I could without the necessary husband and children, just so I could keep up. Do you know what I realized this week? The ones I was most trying to keep up with were the ones that I disliked the most. Why on earth would I want to be exactly like people that overall I don't even like?

Yeah that was a life changing moment. One of those where you look at your entire life and start thinking about it in the correct perspective. Over the last month I have made some pretty big decisions about my future, following graduation in May. I am really excited about these decisions and plans. What I have found, though, is when I mention that I have big news people automatically assume that it involves dating, engagement, marriage or babies. It doesn't. It has to do with me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to dating, engagements, marriage and babies. They are all fine for other people, but at this point in my life they are things I am completely not interested in. I am swearing off dating until next June (at the earliest). When I say this I don't mean it in the reverse psychology sense of thinking "well if I say I'm not going to date then magically Mr. Right will appear from around the corner while I'm not looking." Oh no, I am so serious about this one that I am looking around every corner, just to make sure someone isn't lurking that could mess with the plans I am making, which I truly believe is the perfect path for me. If I hadn't been through everything that I've been through then I wouldn't be set up so perfectly for this adventure.

Yesterday I was at Borders' closing sale and while looking for the travel section (everything is all consolidated as they have less and less inventory) I happened to find myself in the self help section. Whoever thought of this section I truly think should be shot, as well as most people that write the books that find themselves in this section. A particular book stuck out to me:

Words cannot express how offended I was by this title. For starters it has one of my least favorite words in it: settling. After fifteen years of dating I have learned the most important lesson: DO NOT SETTLE. I have settled, over and over and over again. I have been the girl that looks (and looks and looks) for any guy who will pay the slightest bit of attention to me, which is, settling. When it comes to spending my life with someone under absolutely no circumstance will I settle. Period. I would rather have a full life that involves no husband than settle for someone who is just good enough. Two things stand out in this to me. The first is that the woman who is settling for "good enough" doesn't truly value herself as good enough. The second is that the guy that will allow a girl to settle for him as "good enough" doesn't value himself. I refuse to be with someone who makes me feel less valuable than I am and I refuse to be with someone who does not have high value for himself. Just not happening.

Thankfully in the past when I have started to settle the relationship ended. I totally value those relationships now because they taught me extremely valuable lessons about myself and about who I want to choose to spend the rest of my life with. While I think there is an element of fate to falling in love I also believe that there is an element of choice. We can choose to fall in love with the wrong person, or we can choose to fall in love with the right person at the right time. I don't like using the word "wait" when talking about falling in love. I truly don't feel I am "waiting" for the right guy to come into my life. By waiting I am impatiently looking at some cosmic clock that is ticking away until the alarm goes off. Instead of "waiting" I am living my life, completely to the fullest. Right now living my life involves a large amount of alone time, self reflection, and working on being the best "me" I can be. I do not view this as making myself better for someone else. I see this as improving myself to be who I want to be, not waiting on Mr. Right to come out of the woodwork.

I know how many thousands of conversations I had with my closest friends during my twenties about wanting to know when "he" was going to finally show up. I can honestly say, if "he" doesn't appear I'm going to be okay. Forget that. I'm going to be a whole lot better than okay. My self worth does not come from another person, it comes from inside myself. My confidence does not revolve around who I am in a relationship with or how many children I have. My value does not come from what I have or how I can impress people, it comes from how I choose to live my life and what I do to make this world a better place.

It has taken me a long time to finally grasp this concept and truly understand it and most importantly to believe it. If in the future I meet someone who loves me for exactly who I am then I will consider myself extremely lucky, but at no point in time am I going to sacrifice the person I am to be in a relationship just because the world around me thinks that I should be in a relationship.

I would apologize for this post, just in case it offends any of my MWC (married with children) friends, but this was tweeted this morning and I truly agree with it:

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. - Benjamin Disraeli

I tend to be a people pleaser and I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Because of this I tend to get my feelings hurt a lot. I want to make everyone else happy and tend to ignore myself and my own feelings. I have finally realized that I cannot be everything that everyone else wants me to be. I cannot be at every football game, every birthday party, every little thing that goes on in other people's lives. I would love to, but I can't and I have finally come to the point that I am okay with that. If these people love me, for who I am, then they understand that I cannot do everything and they shouldn't expect me to.

What I hope people can understand is that not everyone fits into the mold that you may have for your life. I am glad that so many of my friends have children because whenever I need a baby fix I can get one. I also am glad that they have this so that I can see how wonderful my nice, quiet house is. I don't think that anyone has made a wrong decision in their life. The decisions that you make are what is best for you at the time that you make the decision. Just please understand that the decisions that I have made, while they are not the same as yours, are the best decisions for my life. You do not have to understand my life, but please do not down play it because I do not have the same responsibilities you do. Just because I am not in a relationship or have children does not mean that my life is any less important or stressful or busy or fulfilling than yours.
Because I love quotes and I love Sex and the City I leave you with some good ones:

When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less. Than butterflies...

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

 
And one that I think sums up how I feel about my life and the kind of relationship I want in the future, if it is meant to be:

Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.

Likely to Offend

If you just read the title this blog proceed with caution. If you continue and you are offended by this, frankly I don't want to hear it. This is my blog and my opinion. You do not have to agree with me or the article I will be referencing, but, just as you are, I am entitled to my own opinion, and this is it.

You have been warned.
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Earlier on facebook someone posted that Hugh Hefner died and I wanted to check the validity of this statement. I looked at MSN and then at Yahoo. (He didn't die, by the way.) When I was on Yahoo this headline jumped out at me:

Restaurant bans kids under 6. Discrimination or smart move?

I was beyond intrigued. I am going to paraphrase the article, but if you want to read it then click here. Basically a restaurant in Pennsylvania was receiving a lot of complaints about noisy children disrupting the other customers, thus they decided to make their restaurant not so child friendly. There were A LOT of comments following the article (like 10,000). Clearly I did not read all of them, but I did read a few and most of them agreed with the decision. One person stated something about noisy adults being in bars, but this particular restaurant claimed that it was an "upscale, casual and quiet" restaurant, not your typical rowdy bar.

Here is where many of my readers may be offended. I wholeheartedly think this was a BRILLIANT move. Now, before you get too mad, I don't think ALL restaurants should be like this, but I would not at all be opposed to some here and there. Sure you there are places that are only open to adults 21 and older, but those are also the places that allow you to smoke in the state of Oklahoma. It would be nice to have a place or two where you are guaranteed that you will not have to deal with children, misbehaving or not, and be able to breathe clean air.

There are many reasons why I think this would be a benefit, the obvious one being the distraction, but some people just don't want to be around children, or want to take a break from children, others' or their own.

I am not the type that just adores kids. I know, I know, it may appear as such because I do adore "my" kids. However the difference is that I have an emotional connection to these children. Kids, in general, I do not care for. I don't get all mushy, gushy when I see a baby that I don't know. If I know the child or the parents that is a different story. As I have documented quite a lot lately I want to get married and have kids, however now is not the time, which I am fine with. I have the utmost faith that when the time is right then it will all happen. Right now, though, I don't want to talk about husbands and kids all the time. I seem to get myself around people that can only talk about these two topics. I have a lot of friends and most of them have kids (and quite a few have spouses) and occasionally, even most of the time, we can talk about things that have absolutely nothing to do with their children. Sure I want to hear what the kids have been up to, but I hate when an entire conversation with one or more friends centers around ONLY the trials and tribulations of being married and having kids. Frankly I feel completely left out and it hurts my feelings, A LOT. It makes me feel that I am completely behind the curve because I am lacking both of these. I feel like my life is incomplete because I am missing these supposed key components of life.

I HATE THAT FEELING.

I mentioned something on facebook the other day about looking forward to the day when I do not allow other people to govern my emotions. I'm not there yet. I may never be because I'm human. I had a discussion on Valentine's Day with a friend about relationships and how if you aren't in one at our age it seems as though you are doing something wrong. Both of us are successful, have good jobs, have wonderful goals, are working on our Masters, have great friends and amazing social lives, but society (at least in the Bible Belt) makes you feel like you've screwed something up because you aren't married and procreating. I am not single entirely by choice. I would love to be in a relationship right now, however I am not desperate to be in one. I enjoy not having to answer to someone and getting to be selfish with my time. I know that won't always be the case, but right now it is and I'm enjoying it. When I find a great guy that I'm supposed to be in a (healthy) relationship with then I will be in a relationship, but until then I'm not and that's fine.

I am happy with my life, as I should be. I have accomplished a lot in my life. I have a lot more to accomplish. I fully believe that a husband and kid(s) will play into those accomplishments, but NOT RIGHT NOW. I'm not worried about the future, I know that it will come when it is supposed to.

So married/relationshipped/parent friends, here is a little tidbit from your single friends:

sometimes we don't want to hear a thing about your kid

sometimes we don't want to hear a thing about your spouse/significant other

sometimes we don't want to talk about relationships at all, yours or ours (real or hypothetical)

There are a lot of times that we do want to hear about your kids. There are a lot of times we want to hear about your spouse. We want to hear about these things to prepare ourselves for the future and to have something to look forward to, but not all the time. Please remember that it is really nice to have someone to go home to after a girls' night out and some of us don't have that, so please don't take advantage of it.

So, yes, I would love to have some restaurants where you can go and have an adult meal without dealing with children. There was an awesome episode of Sex and the City that focused on this. It is from Season 6, Episode 9 and is called "A Woman's Right to Shoes." Basic plot is that Carrie goes to a baby shower and has to remove her shoes ($485, of course) and they are stolen. She then realizes exactly how much money she has spent on this friend between bridal showers, wedding, travel to those places, and all the baby showers. Carrie has an awesome quote (which I posted on Valentine's Day and some people were less than impressed with it):

Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you ... Hallmark doesn't make a "congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy" card. And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?

Yeah that didn't go over well at all. I deleted some comments on that one. During this episode Samantha is offended by children running around restaurants, but the straw that breaks the camel's back is when a child flings pasta sauce at her and SHE gets kicked out of the restaurant for talking on her cell phone. (There is revenge at the end at Manolo Blahnik when a mom is asked to watch her children so they don't touch the shoes.) The episode closes with this quote:

The fact is, sometimes it's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes. That's why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun

It is hard being single, especially at my advanced age in this area. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. I am, however, probably the only one that is willing to put it in writing for the whole world to see though. Like I said if you read the whole thing and you are offended now, don't say you weren't warned. I don't need any consolation for my horrible condition of being single. I don't need anyone reminding me that I'll find the right one. I don't need your pity. If you are my friend then I need you to be my friend, take a step back from being a mom or dad, or a husband or a wife, and just be a friend from time to time. Who knows it might be pretty good for you too.

(For the record, this is not aimed at ANYONE in particular. Nothing happened to trigger this, I just saw this article and thought it was brilliant. Also, when the time comes that I am in a relationship again and then have kids I am going to try my hardest to follow my own advice and remember how these things make me feel now, that is why writing it down is a good thing. Oh and I tried to get the clips of Samantha at the restaurant and could not for the life of me find a clip on the internet. Geez I thought EVERYTHING was on the internet.)

These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes

I didn't go to bed until pretty late last night, for no real reason in particular. I was online talking to a few people and just didn't work up the motivation to get into my bed. When I did I was WIDE awake. My allergies have been bothering me for the past week so I took a couple of benedryl, which I knew would knock me out, and that it did. I was in a really deep sleep when my alarm went off for church. Usually I wake up a few times throughout the night, but not last night.

When the alarm when off I was startled by it because of the dream I was having. It was one of those dreams that you don't really want to wake up from and you hope and pray that you can hit the snooze button and go right back to it, however that never seems to happen. It was one of those dreams about someone from your past being in your present and you are both blissfully happy. It was one of those dreams that makes you happy and sad and frustrated all at the same time.

I was traveling to visit someone in this dream and was very excited about the trip. This was someone that I have loved for a very long time. In the dream we were very, very happy.

I am quite certain that my subconscious had this person in mind because I was telling a story about them yesterday, but that doesn't make it mess with me any less. I woke up kind of sad. I had been so happy in the dream, yet I knew there was no way this particular dream would ever come true. It just can't. There are too many complications and too many obstacles and too much compromise that would have to happen. There is passion and love, but just too much baggage.

It got me thinking, which is usually a bad thing, about love and relationships. I've been listening to the newest Glee soundtrack for the last week and there was an original song on the season finale called Pretending. The second verse goes like this:

how long do I fantasize
make believe that it’s still alive
imagine that I am good enough
and we can choose the ones we love

That last line gets to me. Can we really choose the ones we love? This is a pretty loaded question. If we make the conscious effort to fall in love with someone that means that every bad decision I've made in love in the past (and there are a lot of them) has been my fault. But what if we don't have any choice? It just happens. Does that make it better? Then I can think, well it's not really my fault.

Looking back at the guys I have been in love with, I think there have been three, did I choose to fall in love with them? Did I force it or did it just happen? I think I did choose with one and didn't with the other two, they just happened. Which is easier to get over? The choice we make or the decisions that fate throws at us? I would say the ones we choose are easier to recover from, but those that we don't really think about, the ones that just happen are the ones that stick with us and make the biggest impressions.

At the same time, looking at those three, was I ever REALLY in love with any of them? Was it real, true, honest love? Were they time fillers? Were they something to check off my to do list? Is there something special about the one that keeps popping up in my mind?

For a million and one reasons I know that things did not work out with anyone from my past. I am completely resolved to that twist in fate. I know that everything I have experienced, in love and life, has brought me here and will bring me to the person that I am meant to be with. I know that when I find that person it won't be as hard as some of the past relationships and it won't hurt as bad. I know there will be hard times and complications, but nothing like what I have faced in the past, because those were the wrong relationships for me and I know that.

I have lots of dreams: starting an amazing, life changing non profit, falling in love with my future husband and then falling in love with my children. I have a picture of how I want these things to happen. And I know, in my heart, that they have to happen in that order and they must all be intertwined. The details and timing remain a mystery at this time, but I know will be revealed to me at the perfect time.

I have full faith that when I meet the person I am supposed to fall in love with it will just happen. There won't be a choice. There won't be a question. It will be natural and perfect. I don't think we choose who we love, I think love chooses us. We can try to imagine it and picture it, but when it happens there is no list of characteristics that you are matched with based on compatibility, it just is what it is. There isn't a formula, just a nice twist in fate that puts you in the right place at the right time next to the right person.

There is something nice about dreaming. You can be taken to a completely different world and see how things could be. You can see what could work and what could not work. You can imagine up all kinds of stories that could possibly unfold in your life. You can take a different look at your past or a peek into your future. You can question the present and choose how you can act to change the future.

In the end I have total faith that all my dreams, the ones that are deep and true and closest to my heart, will come true. They may not match the vision I have in my head, but more than likely they will be even better than I could have ever imagined.

Some dreams stay with you forever,
drag you around but bring you back to where you were.
Some dreams keep on gettin better,
gotta keep believin if you wanna know for sure.
~Even if it Breaks Your Heart, Eli Young Band

Lucky

Though my life is not where I expected it to be a few years back today was one of those days when you realize just exactly how lucky you are.

The day didn't start off perfectly. I was awoken to hammering coming from my neighbors to the north. Apparently today was the day they were getting their new room from the storm a few weeks ago. Perfect would have been sleeping in without the need for a dose of benedryl and a set of earplugs. Luckily that did the trick until my phone vibrated around noon. (Do NOT judge. I don't have kids and until I do I am banking as many hours of sleep as possible). I realized that Miss Haley had called and then texted (the texting is what vibrated the phone). I called her back and ended up heading to her house to get lunch and veg out.

We spent the afternoon chatting, eating Chipotle, drinking Sonic drinks and watching Harry Potter. It was a nice relaxing afternoon. After that I came home and wrapped Mr. JJ's birthday present, did a little reading in the pool and headed to the birthday party.

It was a nice little party in which the little man got spoiled ROTTEN! (As he should be!) When it was time for cake we sang Happy Birthday to him:

Then they tried the traditional first birthday smash cake routine and JJ was NOT having it:

Then it was time for some swimming (aka cleaning off!). That part he was much happier with:

He likes splashing! He played in the little pool for awhile and then got in the big pool with dad and then mom. Eventually they all got out and JJ was toddling around and then he got handed off to me. We sat and played with a cup with Christina for a little while and I was just sitting playing with his hair. Like most of the males in the world this completely relaxed him and the next thing I knew he was sound asleep. I got to sit with this adorable little guy crashed out on my lap for about an hour.

As I held JJ I just looked around at this party. His parents were there, Chris and Jennifer and their girls were there, Christina and Liberty were there, Michelle and (part of) her boys were there, Jason had been there. I was surrounded by all these people that I love more than anything.

Then I realized just how lucky I am.

I have amazing people that two short years ago I didn't know. I have all these kids in my life that I love more than the world and I am honored to be a part of their lives and will continue to be. There were some friends that weren't there, but I feel the same way about them.

I might not be where I wanted to be a few years ago, but I'm in a really good place. My time will come to have kids and when I do all of these people will be there. All of these little ones will be big brothers and big sisters to my kids. They will be the ones that watch out for my kids when they are little. They are the ones that will chase the boys off or teach the basics of makeup and current style if I have a daughter and the ones that will teach them to play sports and how to treat a girl if I have a son. They will be an extended family and the cousins that my kids would never have on my side of the family.

My time will come to be a mom. There are things that I need to do before I meet the man of my dreams, fall in love, get married and have a baby and I know that. In the mean time I am so lucky to have all the people I have in my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything. And I am loving every minute of being Aunt Wennie to a bunch of pretty awesome kids.

Thirty Days: Day 3

your idea of the perfect first date

This is actually a tough one.

Dinner for sure, somewhere nice that I don't go to ever, or have never been to (sushi is always a perfect option).

I think it would have to be on a Friday so we could have a Sara Sara Cupcake Date (on Fridays 2 cupcakes and 2 glasses of milk for $10, plus it's the cutest thing ever!).

Then some kind of activity where we could talk, like putt putt or bowling or laser tag.

I don't know! Heck I hate dating and don't do it much, so it wouldn't really take much to totally impress me! :)

Fairytales and AshleyMadison.com

I think I have become jaded on relationships lately. At this point in my life I don’t want to be in one. I’m pretty sure this is exactly opposite of what any 29 year old woman should be thinking, but it is really true.

This is not to say that I don’t want a relationship EVER, just not right now.

For one I don’t have time for one. I am working full time, going to grad school full time, am really active at church and am really active with the Junior League of Norman. Not to mention I have amazing friends that are all fighting for my time and I have adorable children in my life that I enjoy actually getting to see at times besides births and birthday parties. Then there is always the pool drama that has started this week.

Another reason is that I don’t really care to make any effort to look for one. I know, I know, when you stop looking that’s when it happens and certainly that has happened for me in the past, but I mean seriously. I have friends that are on eharmony, match.com, okcupid and other dating websites. I have a twofold reason for being anti-online dating. The first is very simply I like stories and I want to have a good story and I do not want to explain to my grandchildren that I met grandpa online. Just not my thing. I have friends who tell me that it is socially acceptable now, well I don’t care, it is not acceptable for me. Now, stepping down from that soapbox, another reason for not wanting to look is simply that love is never sitting around waiting to be found, it finds us, so the way I look at it, why break my back going out to bars or wherever when very simply I’m going to meet Mr. Perfect at Borders or Panera or at some non profit event? I also don’t want to go around looking for love because then I would have to give up something in my life and frankly I really like how my life is right now and I’m not willing to budge!

I also HATE dating. I mean I really, really hate it. Love being in a relationship; hate “dating.” There are always those questions of “is he seeing someone else?” “does he like me better than everyone else?” “are we taking things too fast?” “are we taking things too slow?” Just too many questions. Don’t get me wrong I love the new feelings and the first kisses and all of that mess, but in the end I like knowing what I’m getting myself into and I don’t like taking risks.

Probably the most prevalent reason for my lack of desire to “couple” is that I’m not sure that I believe that relationships can really work anymore. This is such a sad thing to say. It’s a battle between my brain, which says relationships are just doomed to fail, and my heart, which believes that it will all work out just the way it was meant to be. I am a hopeless romantic, I really, really am, and as much as I preach against it I do think there is one person out there for everyone and the stars will align just right at just the right time and everything will fall into place and we’ll live happily ever after. (I try to ignore this annoying thought as much as possible though.) We grow up having the idea of the fairytale pounded into us, especially as girls, and there is something about that which makes me sad. I don’t really think everyone gets the fairytale (though my gut feeling is that after all is said and I done I will end up with the fairytale, call me a pessimistic optimist). However, in the last few weeks I have learned information about some friends that are in seemingly happy marriages. These are really good guys, if they are doing what they are doing then what about the rest of the world? I am really wondering what our society has come to.

There are certain actions that I have been thinking about lately.

The first is cheating.

What exactly constitutes cheating and an affair? Does it have to be having sex with someone else? Could it just be a kiss? What about having an emotional relationship with someone that you’ve never seen in person, but you share more with them than with your significant other? Infidelity has been around as long as the world has (don’t think that “thou shalt not commit adultery” commandment wasn’t put there for a reason).

I remember the old days (well not really, but follow along) when to have an affair you would call home and say you were working late and then go to the bar to pick someone up. Sneaking around to seedy motel rooms during lunch breaks. Having your buddies cover for you when your spouse asks where you were. Ah the good old days. At least it was a little bit easier to get caught by a paper trail back then. Then came the technology age: chat rooms (if they still exist), instant messenger, and social networking websites. Again, you’re leaving a trail, your spouse can check your history on the computer.

But now we have computers in our pockets: smart phones with text messaging and Internet. Before someone could look at a phone bill and notice unusual calls, but now it takes an act of Congress to get a hold of text message content (but it can be done for any would be cheaters reading this) and I don’t know if you can get a record of specific Internet usage on a phone. Not to mention we always have our phones with us, it is rare (shut up Kristin and Travis) for me to go anywhere without my phone and I know I’m not the only one. All of these allow for an individual to cheat pretty easily.

This brings me to the article that got me so riled up. I was on Yahoo checking my email last week and found an interesting article. Basically a man and woman went undercover for Redbook magazine to a website, ashleymadison.com, which at the time I had never heard of. If you have not heard of this let me give you a few tidbits as to what this website is for. In a lot of ways it is a dating website, like eharmony or match, however this particular site is geared to individuals that are in relationships. Their slogan is: Life is Short. Have an Affair. An entire website that is devoted to encouraging and facilitating affairs. Are you kidding me? The creator of the website said that the whole point of this is to help people “hook up” meaning no strings attached sex. The problem is that it didn’t stop with sex. Not saying that sex with someone that is not your spouse or significant other isn’t bad enough, but what the undercover reporter found is that so many of the men she went out with were looking for emotional connections that they weren’t getting at home. Who’s to blame? The woman because she isn’t giving the man what he needs? The man because he’s not giving the woman what she needs?

I don't really understand cheating. I have heard that people don't want to hurt their partner or their children. In my humble opinion the psychological ramifications of being cheated on is much worse than a break up on a significant other. When it comes to children, what exactly is cheating teaching them? (Note: the following scenario is if the male is cheating on the female, I realize it could go the other way as well) If you get caught, and let's be honest, the truth always comes out, if you have daughters you are teaching them that they should put up with someone cheating on them and how would you feel if someone did this to your daughter? If you have sons then you are teaching them that it is okay to treat others this way. Neither one is great.

This was a quote from Hot In Cleveland which was on again last night:

"This is why the Internet was invented: for men to find pictures of naked celebrities and women to cyberstalk the men they trust."

When you are someone who has been cheated on it is really hard to ever trust again. As far back as high school I can remember boyfriends cheating. Of course there is the “we weren’t really together” excuse that makes it okay, but it’s not. As we press onto new relationships, is it wrong to check up on the person you are dating/engaged to/married to? What if they never cheat and yet you still check up on them? Does that put you in the wrong? What gives you any reason to trust them? When you have been burned over and over giving that trust away gets really hard. Or, worse yet, it is really easy to give away. You get to a point when you just think, well maybe this one will not disappointment me, I’ll take that risk. In my experience every time they end up being just like the last one and the one before that.


Another major concern that has come to light in the last six months or so is that of domestic violence. Last semester in my Current Problems class one of our groups presented on this topic. It scares me to death that a lot of individuals that hurt their spouse never showed any indication of any type of violence when they were dating. That is terrifying! We also see domestic violence all over the place. Who hasn’t heard of the Rihanna/Chris Brown relationship? How many of us blew it off? I know I did, clearly she was just making too big of a deal about it. Then there is the song by Rihanna and Eminem.

“You ever love somebody so much You can barely breathe When you're with them You meet And neither one of you Even know what hit 'em Got that warm fuzzy feeling Yeah them chills Used to get 'em Now you're getting sick Of looking at 'em You swore you've never hit 'em Never do nothing to hurt 'em Now you're in each other's face Spewing venom And these words When you spit 'em You push Pull each other's hair Scratch, claw, bit 'em Throw 'em down Pin 'em So lost in the moments When you're in 'em It's the rage that took over It controls you both So they say it's best To go your separate ways Guess that they don't know ya Cause today That was yesterday Yesterday is over It's a different day Sound like broken records Playin' over But you promised her Next time you'll show restraint You don't get another chance Life is no Nintendo game But you lied again Now you get to watch her leave Out the window Guess that's why they call it window pane”

Maybe this is an attempt to make domestic violence more talked about, or maybe it’s glorifying it. Regardless the thoughts are there. I don’t have any personal experience on this one (another scary thought), so I can’t go into a huge rant on it, but it is still something to worry about.

Then there is probably my biggest concern: codependency. Because of a whole lot of reasons that I’m not going into here I have a lot of codependency issues. I am lucky that I am recognizing it earlier and earlier now. I know a lot of great people that are going to get themselves into really bad relationships because they want to fix someone. It is easy to say that you’re going to love someone exactly the way they are, but frankly, at least for me, that’s really hard.

I agree with this quote by Anne Frank:

“Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart.”

I very much believe in people. I believe that people are going to do the right thing. I believe that people can do anything they put their minds to. And I believe that they will, eventually, put their minds to it.

This is a problem. I get hurt because of this. I have many, many, many examples, both in romantic relationships and in other relationships. In Eat, Pray, Love Elizabeth Gilbert wrote:

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

Oh my, oh my, oh my does that sum me up. It scares me that every time I am even remotely interested in someone. I ask myself, what if I do it again.

Actually, I don’t ask myself that, which is the problem. After I get out of the relationship I realize that I did it again. When I am in the throws of “in love” or even “in like” I walk blindly in ignoring all signs that the person could be a cheater, a beater or a project.

So is my picker broken? Do I have a bad judge of character? Or are all of these bad relationships just leading me up to one great one?

The romantic in me believes the last one. I learn something from everyone that I encounter in some sort of serious way. It might be a quality that I like and will look for again, or it might be a huge warning sign that tells me to run away scream.

In the end I want a fairytale. I don’t know when that fairytale will happen, but I truly believe it will. I pray that there is one person out there that will not disappointment me in all the ways that I have mentioned. This is not to say that he won’t disappointment me somehow and I won't disappoint him, I mean we are all human.

I will end this rambling rant with one more quote, from Sam Keen:

"Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly."

(So long as that imperfection isn't infidelity or violence!)