Subject Matter Expert

This is a term I have heard at work in regards to someone who is extremely knowledgeable in a particular field of interest. I have found out recently that I am actually a subject matter expert about something: CRAZY WOMEN.

Yes, yes, friends I am a recovering crazy woman. It wasn't all that long ago that I wrote pages and pages and pages of lamented, loving bullshit to an ex.

As I mentioned in the previous post my relationship history has not been exemplary. The good news is that I've learned a lot and grown up a lot since that time (I was 27, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it).

I have been the girl who calls and texts five million times just to get my point across.

I have been the girl that drives by your house just to see if you're home and feels a closeness just by seeing your car.

I have been the girl that wrote EIGHT SINGLE SPACED TYPED PAGES of ways to 'fix' our relationship entitled "What I Want..." (sister, if it takes you EIGHT SINGLE SPACED TYPED PAGES to fix the relationship you should probably not BE in the relationship)

Tonight I wanted to go back in time and slap my former self. Real hard. Like real, real, real hard.

Oh my geezes.

While cleaning out drawers in my kitchen I found a stack of papers. All the things I wrote (typed) and printed fundamentally presenting my case as to why my ex and I should get back together.

This was painful to read. Honestly I couldn't read all of it. I was so incredibly sad for the person writing it and while I knew it was me that had written it, my writing style, my tone, my words, my thoughts, my feelings, it was like a slap in the face of the person I've become.

Let me just give you an excerpt so you know the level of crazy I'm talking about here:

"Relationships aren't always easy and you're not always going to be happy every minute of the day. The same things happens when you are not in a relationship. That's just the way life is, there are good days and there are bad, there are good weeks and months and even years, but there can also be bad ones. Just because things get hard doesn't mean you should give up. I have grown so much over the last several weeks. [Editor's note: NO I HADN'T] I finally understand w here the problems we have come from. It has nothing to do with our relationship, [Editor's note: um...hello EIGHT TYPED PAGES] the baggage we brought into the relationship caused the problems, not the other way around."

 No, no, no, no, no, no.

Just no.

There are pages of this. Pages. I even have one set that I put page numbers on.

If I met someone who did this now I would pray for her and tell her to get out, not because I've been there, but because it's CRAZY. Crazy might be a harsh word to describe someone who has just gotten their heart smashed to pieces, but since it was me I feel pretty confident that I can use the term.

The truth of the matter is that this girl wasn't crazy. She was codependent and unaware what love really meant. She had found what she wanted to be love because she didn't know any better and when everything went spiraling out of control she did whatever she could to hold onto it, even if some of that behavior was a bit 'over the top.'

Reading through this I realize the things I desired from the relationship weren't that unrealistic, to be honest, however if I have to write down on paper that I need you to be kind to me and respect me after being together for a significant amount of time then we really shouldn't have been together. Obviously I'm not letting him off the hook, he did some bad things, but I let him, over and over, I let him treat me this way. I was so insecure and had such low self esteem that this is what I thought I deserved and didn't think I could find anyone else and could not bear to be alone. Knowing the person I am now I have tears in my eyes because I know that was true.

Someone who has just gotten to know me in the last few years will know a confident, secure, matter of fact, sarcastic person who would talk to the president the same way she talks to her best friend. A person who can command a room (when she's in a comfortable place). A person who smiles and laughs and is really funny.

The girl who wrote those papers I found was none of those things. But the things is, she was. Underneath all of that she was all those things, she just forgot. Bad relationship after bad relationship made her doubt who she was. She found her self worth through the eyes of someone else. She did not have the courage to get out of the relationship because her value only came as being the other half of a 'we'.

I'm glad I don't do those things anymore, but I'm also glad that I went through that period of time. I'm glad to be a survivor of that because I can help others. I can see that behavior in others and try to knock them out of it. Granted I have to remember how well I took these conversations when they were had with me at the time and show a little bit of grace.

I truly believe if I was to share some of these very private words with people who know me better than anyone else, but did not go through that season with me, they would think either I was writing fiction or I was showing them something someone else wrote. That is a completely surreal feeling.

If you are in a relationship that you have to fight for more than you enjoy, trust me, you shouldn't be in it. And that's okay. I am here to tell you, you WILL survive it and you will be so much better for everything you went through. Relationships, whether romantic or otherwise, should bring out the very best in you. A person that is good for you will make you be you-er than you've ever realized you could be. They will love every little quirk about you and not want to change one because they love YOU. They will make your face light up and give you a little twinkle in your eye.

But the thing is, you have to love you first. Love is an inside job, and until you love you then you won't be able to be loved the way you so very much deserve to be.

Tick Tock

Tonight was one of those bittersweet evenings spent in a hometown.

I came to Ardmore for Landon's graduation (which I made it through with no tears I might add), but it ended up being a reunion of sorts with several people.

First off I walked in and saw all of the Riggle clan, which was to be expected, but before I got too far into the convention center I met up with my middle school, high school, and still best friend Crystal (who used to babysit Landon and was the one that brought him to our Stage Crafts class most of the time we were in high school). We were sat with Lisa's high school choir so that we could be close to the action. The girl sitting next to me, a freshman will be sophomore, asked how we knew Lisa and we admitted that we were alumni. She then asked if we were best friend types that were in choir together or the enemy types. Crystal piped up that we've been best friends since sixth grade. It is hard to believe that almost twenty years have passed since we were stuck in charm school together and were bonded every since. She is now married with two little boys (who are eerily similar to Reece and Landon) and about to start her last year of nursing school. We realized how quickly the time has passed and that we're going to blink and we'll be watching her youngest graduate.

After I hugged the graduate, chatted with Lisa and Randle, and dropped off the graduation gift I headed to the local pizza kitchen to listen to my friend Tyler play. (Side note: my dear cousin was SUPPOSED to meet me there, but he went home to "rest" following two pitchers of margaritas and I guess rested too hard, so I got stood up...BAD cousin!) As I'm sitting there listening to Tyler play and eating pizza alone (real bad cousin) I couldn't help but think of when I first met Tyler. He had just finished his freshman year of high school and played on the tennis team with Haley. It was one of the many summers I kept her and they were living in a house that had a tennis court next door, so Tyler and another friend would come down to play tennis (and maybe because Haley was really pretty) and I got to know him pretty well. He has grown up (way up, he's really tall) to be a great friend and a talented musician.

As Tyler and Meredith were wrapping up (and the restaurant was closing at 10:00...on a Friday...got to love small towns) in walks a darling young lady named Taylor who was headed to the bar next door and happened to see me through the window. Even more memories came flooding back with this one. Starting around fifth grade she was Haley's best friend and lived around the corner. Many days I showed up in the morning and had not one, but two babysitting charges. Taylor has grown up into a beautiful woman with a wonderful husband and and adorable daughter. I met up with them after I talked to Tyler at the new bar next door (kind of forgot I was in Ardmore actually!) and she bought me a glass of wine. Crazy that I'm old enough (by two years) to have my former babysitting charges buying me drinks!

On the way home I was driving a road that I've driven thousands of times before, but memory after memory kept hitting my brain: trig homework at Melissa's, trying to build an airplane at JR's grandparents', pretending a baby doll was a real baby to fool everyone with Lexi, and a million more. I realized just how quickly time is passing. I wouldn't trade my life for anything, but it's amazing how fast the clock is ticking.

As I said to the young lady sitting next to me at graduation, the best is yet to come, but that doesn't mean it won't be hard. High school is wonderful and are memories that I deeply treasure. I also told her to take more pictures than she takes now (she said she took a lot, but I said to take more!). I wish I had more photos from high school, and college, and every part of my life. I still have every memory etched in my brain though.

I probably didn't think thirteen years ago when I graduated that I would be back in Ardmore for Landon's graduation or that I would end up with such a wonderful, adult, friend in Lisa. I didn't think about the fact that as the years pass by the six and eight year age gaps between the kids that I babysat get closer and closer every year. I am thankful that I was able to be a part of these kids' lives when they were kids, but I think I am more thankful that they still put up with me as a friend now.

Time moves faster and faster the older that we get and it is important, in the hustle and bustle of life, to slow down, take a deep breath, and remember the people that have shaped the person you have become. All too quickly life can get in the way and years have passed between the times you talk and in our hyper connected world there is no need for that.

BLOG HOMEWORK: call an old friend you haven't talked to in years; go have dinner or a drink with them; I promise you won't be sorry that you did.

PS
Take a picture while you're at it!

Impact

So many times I think we forget about the impact that we make on others on a daily basis and the impact that others have on us. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the butterfly effect and my freshman and sophomore years of high school. For those of you not familiar with the term, Wikipedia defines the butterfly effect as:

In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions; where a small change at one place in a nonlinear system can result in large differences to a later state. The name of the effect, coined by Edward Lorenz, is derived from the theoretical example of a hurricane's formation being contingent on whether or not a distant butterfly had flapped its wings several weeks before.

Although the butterfly effect may appear to be an esoteric and unusual behavior, it is exhibited by very simple systems: for example, a ball placed at the crest of a hill might roll into any of several valleys depending on slight differences in initial position.

The butterfly effect is a common trope in fiction when presenting scenarios involving time travel and with "what if" cases where one storyline diverges at the moment of a seemingly minor event resulting in two significantly different outcomes.

Basically it the thought that one little, seemingly minor, occurrence can have lasting impact on the world around us. This thought is extremely apparent today.

Last night I helped a friend with a Christmas party and was out late and very tired when I got home. I noticed on facebook on my phone that a few people had posted in a group that I am an admin on. This wasn't too unusual as people post in this group quite frequently. This morning I woke up and saw that something like 26 people had posted since the night before. I knew something had to be up and I knew it was probably not good.

This particular group is called "Thank you, Stan Stevenson" and it is a group that started as a way for people to express their gratitude to a wonderful man. Much as I feared when I looked at facebook this morning I was correct in the feeling that I had deep in the pit of my stomach: Stan had passed away yesterday afternoon. Since I wasn't really on facebook I had not seen the outpouring of grief from my high school friends and somehow I had not gotten a text about this (which is really fine because I would have broken down at the party last night).

Stan Stevenson was my high school band director. If you know me then you know that I do not have a musical bone in my body, yet somehow I ended up in band and show choir (high school is weird like that). My best friend was in band in middle school and then in high school joined the color guard. Seeing that she was my best friend, my freshman year I ended up hanging out with all her band friends, most of which were older than us. I had the best times of my life with these people. As the months wore on I ended up helping out with winter guard and ended up on many, many bus trips. Then my junior year I joined guard too and was officially in band. (I'm still wondering how this all happened.)

I would not trade those memories for anything. As I became better and better friends with all of these "band nerds" I also got to know Stan. Stan was the best guy you could ever imagine. His daughter Katie was a year older than me and we were close friends. Stan was the kind of guy that was like a dad to everyone. If you were in any way connected to the band you were one of his "kids."

There were honor roll students and kids that never saw an A on a report card.
There were kids that were outgoing and kids that were ridiculously shy.
There were natural born leaders and those that needed to be pulled out of their shell.
There were popular kids and not so popular kids.
Some had no musical talent and some were destined to keep playing forever.
But they were all Stan's kids.

Whoever you were Stan cared about you. You might have drove him a little crazy at times (you know who you are), but he always cared. He was a constant throughout high school and even after. He always encouraged his kids to do their best. He showed them what they could accomplish and how worthy they were of feeling good about themselves. He was so much more than a teacher and a band director. He was the kind of person that every kid should have it their life during a time that can be dramatic, messy and emotionally damaging.

If you have never experienced what it is like to have 100+ brothers and sisters, all of which you loved and hated at some point during the year, but who you would stand up for no matter what was going on, then you have certainly missed out. I look back at my high school years and know that I can pick up the phone and call any one of them and know that I will still have a friend. How many people can say that they still talk to their high school friends on a weekly, if not daily, basis sixteen years later? Stan made that happen. He had this power to pull this rag-tag group of kids together into an amazing family.

I have so memories with these people that I could write all day. I will spare you that, for now, and probably will pick it up later. One I would like to share was the summer after my freshman year of high school. Everyone always is ready to get out of school when that day in May rolls around. Most people want as far away from the building as possible. If you were in band at Ardmore High School that was simply not the case, though. Our drum line practiced all the time and that summer they did concerts every week, on Tuesday, I think. Not only would the drummers show up, but all the rest of us would pile into the band room and listen to the new cadences that they were learning. C-los (my fav), and Peanut Butter and Jelly and so many more. Now I will admit that there always seemed to be a drummer that I had a "thing" for and that probably made me show up a little more, but hey, what can you do?

The other thing that was pretty amazing about this group was that a section of them put together a jazz band, Java Jazz, that played at Kimberlee's By the Cup in our local mall. These kids just put this together themselves, found a "gig" and we all showed up every Saturday to listen to them and hang out.

Stan instilled such a love of music in my friends that they wanted to keep playing, even though school was out and they didn't have to. That says something.

After learning of the news this morning I was looking at the posts in Thank you, Stan Stevenson, on his personal page, and just throughout statuses amongst my friends. They all said the same thing: how wonderful he was, how he impacted our lives and made us the people we are today. So many times when someone passes away people come out of the wood works to say "nice" things about them, no matter what kind of person they really were. In this case every word is true and we told him all the time. I think that is the one thing that gives me peace in this situation: knowing that we were all very open and honest about our feelings. The posts were not just from kids that I went to school with, but from those that were at the schools before Ardmore and the schools after. One thing remained the same: everyone expressed how much of an impact he made on them.

My last memory of seeing Stan was last fall. I had gone to a football game in Pauls Valley to watch my friend Lisa (also my former high school vocal music teacher)'s son play. One of my friends, Drew, is the band director at Pauls Valley,  having taken over when Stan retired a few years ago. Stan was still an active part of the PVHS band and was at the game. Lisa and I went over and chatted with him for the majority of the third quarter. We were reminiscing and talking about the past and telling funny stories. We were laughing so hard we were crying. While I am sad that I have not seen him in over a year I am so thankful that my last physical memory of him was talking and laughing until we cried. That is exactly how I remember him and how I will continue to remember him.

I think when you look back at high school you might be lucky to have one teacher that might have made a little change in the way you look at life or shaped your world. I look back and realize that I have three. My band director, vocal music director and drama director. (This is why the arts need to stay in schools people!!!! Okay stepping off that soap box.) When I think of how powerful a teacher's influence can be on a child's life I think of these three. What I realize, when looking back, is that not only did they genuinely care about me when I was in school, but they continued to care about me and love me through my life. What started out as a student and teacher turned into a lifetime of friendship. I am sad that there aren't more people that can say that. What I do know is that anyone who was ever one of Stan's kids can say that without hesitation.

I help with a youth group and I love my teens. I'm not a huge fan of small kids, at all, but there is just something about working with teenagers that I adore. They might drive me crazy from time to time (or all the time) but I know what a hard time in life the teen years can be and I know how much I loved my time in high school and I want nothing, but the same from them. I know that this love for this age had to have come, in part, from Stan, Lisa and Carla. I pray that I can have even a fraction of the impact on "my" kids that those three had on me.

I am sad that there are generations of kids that won't get to know what a wonderful man Stan was, but I know that his impact will be lasting through those that he did touch. He made a legacy that will live on forever. Whether to you he was Mr. Stevenson, Stan the Man, Stan, Stev-o, Butch, Papa Stan, or just Dad if you knew him you loved him and knew he loved you and you probably have a story or two that you could tell about him.

Rest in peace Papa Stan. Give Katie a big hug for me. And know that you made a profound impact on my life and I am thankful that I got to be one of your girls.

Stan Stevenson

August 7, 1953 to December 10, 2011

You will be greatly missed.

Aged Like a Fine, Fine Bedazzled Wine

Disclaimer: This post might not be appropriate for all audiences...proceed with caution. And if you do read it and don't like it don't say you weren't warned! :)
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Last Friday night I had a little girls night in the pool with my friends Kristin and Becky (with Travis crashing later in the evening). Becky's birthday was on Sunday and she had gotten NKOTBSB (New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys) tickets for the night of her birthday. I commented that I wished I had gotten tickets to which Becky said, come with us and we'll find tickets! So that was the plan.

Now I have a long history with New Kids on the Block. It goes back to age 8 in the third grade. Obsessed might not be a strong enough word to describe how I felt about NKOTB. I had tshirts and buttons and dolls and fashion plates and even a sheets and comforter set (to this day I cannot believe my parents actually bought these). My best friend in third grade, Kristin (a different one :)), and I dressed in our NKOTB "ensembles" every Tuesday. Down to the earrings we matched (except for my Donnie stuff and her Joey stuff).

I remember when my mom surprised me with the "Remix" album one Friday after school at my friend Lindsey's house. I was so excited I dropped it and broke the tape box.

In fourth grade my mom and my friend Meredith's mom got us tickets to the show in Oklahoma City. I don't remember a lot about the show, but we had really high seats, so they were itty bitty. Nonetheless they were fabulous.

My freshman year of college during Christmas break my best friend Crystal and I decided we were old (you know we were the ripe, old age of eighteen). We found an old NKOTB concert video and proceeded to sing the entire thing over and over. We then went to Hastings and bought a few used cds.

At the end of college some friends came up from Austin and we came up with an "Austin Soundtrack" and Hangin' Tough was on that (I'm sure there were more reasons, but I don't quite remember them).

Overall New Kids on the Block were a large part of my childhood and kind of define our generation. And onto Backstreet Boys. That was high school. I hear those songs and think about Heather's house and boyfriends and tanning at Tropical Tans and TRL and Haley. All kinds of fun memories.

So that is my NKOTBSB history. Now onto the concert!

Becky and Leah picked me up around 4:30 and to Tulsa we went. I had skipped lunch so stopping for food was must. Becky asked what we wanted and I said "this may sound silly, but can we get McDonald's because the first time I saw NKOTB we got McDonald's and it was the first time I ever had fries and sweet and sour sauce." So we did!

I made a NKOTB/BSB birthday mix CD for Becky since it was her birthday and it started with this:

We rocked out to the classics to Tulsa. I learned something new about my friend Becky that day: she has a bit of road rage. :) We had to go to Owasso first to pick up there tickets and then headed to BOK. We attempted to park and ended up a little close for Becky's big ol' car, so this is how she got out:

(and yes that is the shirt she made that said "I heart NKOTB" on the front and "birthday girl" with a 30 on it on the back...fabulous)

The next step was to find me a ticket, since I didn't have one. We ended up buying a pair and then sold the other one:

Not the best seat in the world, but for not having a ticket until 10 minutes before the show I would say we did quite well! I also made friends with (aka got molested by) a lovely drunk lady next to me. When the show started it didn't matter though.

There was some band that opened the show. We missed them. Oh well. I made it to my seat and there was a video commercial with Matthew Morrison and Jane Lynch from Glee. I didn't think much of it until I heard the first notes of "Sway." To say I freaked out might be an understatement. Matthew Morrison was opening. He is a beautiful, beautiful man with a beautiful voice and beautiful dance abilities. I was great at this point WITHOUT NKOTBSB. If you remember correctly he was mentioned here as one of my celebrity crushes. He was AMAZING. He's a singer, actor and dancer and his last song was called Keep on Dancing and was dedicated to his three idols: Gene Kelly, Patrick Swayze and Michael Jackson. The end of the song was a dance break where he did a Gene Kelly routine, the famous last dance from Dirty Dancing and all of MJ's classic moves. It was FABULOUS. I really could have stopped the concert there and been good, ah, but it didn't. Here is MM:

And the real show started. To say it was fabulous, wonderful, amazing, breathtaking and all of those words would be an understatement. All nine guys came out (Kevin from BSB didn't want to play...oh well). From a technical standpoint it was amazing. They performed together and then NKOTB performed, then the lights went out and BSB came out, then the lights went out and NKOTB was back. It was fabulous. The transitions were flawless. The lighting was amazing. My tech nerdness totally came out and I loved it.

So back to the men. Oh the men. I don't really care if most of the members of NKOTB are over 40, all I can say is: DAMN. Let's just say the concert was aimed towards their original fans (anywhere from age 22-40ish). There was a lot of, shall we say "sexual content" (pelvis thrusting, hips gyrating, crotch grabbing, cameras on previously mentioned crotches). It was, well, in a word: FABULOUS.

Donnie was my favorite. As I grew up and realized he was the "bad boy" I thought maybe I should have liked Jordan or Joey because they were the "cute" ones, but Donnie was it for me. Can I just say Donnie Wahlberg is the sexiest man on the planet? Yeah he is. Even Becky, who was die hard for Joey, admitted the sexiness of the Donnie.

They did all the fabulous songs from my childhood and we all danced and sang. One thing that was a bit different was the "bedazzled" nature of the clothing. I'm pretty sure several bedazzlers were killed in the making of the tour. The last song NKOTB did was Hangin' Tough (I could talk about all the songs, but I'll spare you). They came out in bedazzled Celtics jerseys (oh THAT's why I've always loved the Celtics, now I remember...I may even turn into a Red Sox fan for this). Then BSB came out in bedazzled Orlando Magic jerseys. It was amazing and I really can't say enough wonderful things about it.

At the end of the show we got back in the car (gushing about the sexiness of Donnie Wahlberg...who cares if he is almost 42, and yes after 20+ years I remembered his birthday without looking it up...wow). We then decided we needed to find the after party (because my friends that went in Dallas either ended up at the after party with Mr. Wahlberg or on his tour bus). So we drove around Tulsa looking and ended up back at the back of BOK where the buses were. Then a couple of vans pulled out and I saw a red and white trucker hat. I KNEW it was Donnie (my psychic connection from when I was eight came out, I guess). We tried to back out to follow them (yeah, we're nuts), but we lost them.

Then Twitter came into play and I started following them all and found out that he had gone to the airport to head out because he was filming the second season of Blue Bloods early the next morning. :( We were sad.

We headed back to Norman talking the entire way about the fabulous time we had just had. It was a fabulous, fabulous time and Becky is my new most favorite person in the world for making me go!

Now the goods, here are some pics from the show:

precious Joey

Jordan singing

Please, don't go, girl...you will ruin my whole world

and the sexy, sexy man himself

It was amazing. Really it way. You may think I'm nuts, but it was. There is just this wonderful thing about reliving your childhood. When we got back I did feel kind of sad. There is a good chance this is the last time I'll ever see them live (well, not if Becky has any say in it...we're going to be groupies!). Just another piece of growing up. It was a fabulous way to celebrate Becky's 30th birthday and to kick of my birthday season.

PS
The name for this post because one of my friends asked me how they aged and I said "like a fine, fine wine" (maybe I should have said a fine, fine, sexy wine!).

These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes

I didn't go to bed until pretty late last night, for no real reason in particular. I was online talking to a few people and just didn't work up the motivation to get into my bed. When I did I was WIDE awake. My allergies have been bothering me for the past week so I took a couple of benedryl, which I knew would knock me out, and that it did. I was in a really deep sleep when my alarm went off for church. Usually I wake up a few times throughout the night, but not last night.

When the alarm when off I was startled by it because of the dream I was having. It was one of those dreams that you don't really want to wake up from and you hope and pray that you can hit the snooze button and go right back to it, however that never seems to happen. It was one of those dreams about someone from your past being in your present and you are both blissfully happy. It was one of those dreams that makes you happy and sad and frustrated all at the same time.

I was traveling to visit someone in this dream and was very excited about the trip. This was someone that I have loved for a very long time. In the dream we were very, very happy.

I am quite certain that my subconscious had this person in mind because I was telling a story about them yesterday, but that doesn't make it mess with me any less. I woke up kind of sad. I had been so happy in the dream, yet I knew there was no way this particular dream would ever come true. It just can't. There are too many complications and too many obstacles and too much compromise that would have to happen. There is passion and love, but just too much baggage.

It got me thinking, which is usually a bad thing, about love and relationships. I've been listening to the newest Glee soundtrack for the last week and there was an original song on the season finale called Pretending. The second verse goes like this:

how long do I fantasize
make believe that it’s still alive
imagine that I am good enough
and we can choose the ones we love

That last line gets to me. Can we really choose the ones we love? This is a pretty loaded question. If we make the conscious effort to fall in love with someone that means that every bad decision I've made in love in the past (and there are a lot of them) has been my fault. But what if we don't have any choice? It just happens. Does that make it better? Then I can think, well it's not really my fault.

Looking back at the guys I have been in love with, I think there have been three, did I choose to fall in love with them? Did I force it or did it just happen? I think I did choose with one and didn't with the other two, they just happened. Which is easier to get over? The choice we make or the decisions that fate throws at us? I would say the ones we choose are easier to recover from, but those that we don't really think about, the ones that just happen are the ones that stick with us and make the biggest impressions.

At the same time, looking at those three, was I ever REALLY in love with any of them? Was it real, true, honest love? Were they time fillers? Were they something to check off my to do list? Is there something special about the one that keeps popping up in my mind?

For a million and one reasons I know that things did not work out with anyone from my past. I am completely resolved to that twist in fate. I know that everything I have experienced, in love and life, has brought me here and will bring me to the person that I am meant to be with. I know that when I find that person it won't be as hard as some of the past relationships and it won't hurt as bad. I know there will be hard times and complications, but nothing like what I have faced in the past, because those were the wrong relationships for me and I know that.

I have lots of dreams: starting an amazing, life changing non profit, falling in love with my future husband and then falling in love with my children. I have a picture of how I want these things to happen. And I know, in my heart, that they have to happen in that order and they must all be intertwined. The details and timing remain a mystery at this time, but I know will be revealed to me at the perfect time.

I have full faith that when I meet the person I am supposed to fall in love with it will just happen. There won't be a choice. There won't be a question. It will be natural and perfect. I don't think we choose who we love, I think love chooses us. We can try to imagine it and picture it, but when it happens there is no list of characteristics that you are matched with based on compatibility, it just is what it is. There isn't a formula, just a nice twist in fate that puts you in the right place at the right time next to the right person.

There is something nice about dreaming. You can be taken to a completely different world and see how things could be. You can see what could work and what could not work. You can imagine up all kinds of stories that could possibly unfold in your life. You can take a different look at your past or a peek into your future. You can question the present and choose how you can act to change the future.

In the end I have total faith that all my dreams, the ones that are deep and true and closest to my heart, will come true. They may not match the vision I have in my head, but more than likely they will be even better than I could have ever imagined.

Some dreams stay with you forever,
drag you around but bring you back to where you were.
Some dreams keep on gettin better,
gotta keep believin if you wanna know for sure.
~Even if it Breaks Your Heart, Eli Young Band

End of an Era

I went to Ardmore the other day and came into town on Broadway. I was shocked to see this:

Yes that is an empty lot. What used to stand there was the Carmike 5 movie theatre. A few years ago they built the new Carmike 8 (I know, big town, huh?) and the Carmike 5 was a dollar theatre for a little while. Soon, though, they closed it, so I guess at some point in time we all knew that it was coming down eventually, but I guess I hadn't really thought about it.

Seeing that empty lot made a whole lot of memories come flooding back:

• Home Alone 2 with Lexi when she was home from Indiana
• Clueless two or three times
• Hunchback of Notre Dame with Crystal, the first time we got to all on our own for a whole afternoon
• Now and Then
• Scream, first date
• Mr. 3000, first date
• Titanic 3 times
• Armageddon, cried like a baby with Heather
• Wild, Wild West, my first midnight show
• Cruel Intentions
• Night at the Roxbury, when I would have demanded my money back, had I paid!
• You've Got Mail (I think) on a first date, where we got in free and the guy was WAY confused!
• Varsity Blues, which I didn't thoroughly appreciate until years later
• Dr. Doolittle 2, with Haley when, at 20, I got in for the kid's price, with car keys in my hands, and btw she wasn't the kid's age either
• Austin Powers: Goldfinger, after the last show of Annie
• Harry Potter 3, where Haley made out with the cute exchange student

I'm sure there are plenty more, but those are the ones I can think of! Goodbye Carmike 5! Lots of great memories!

I found a picture of it online! :)

Where Were You?

Eighth grade, English I, Mrs. Graham's class.

Clearly I am referring to where I was when the bombing at the Murrah building. It was a Wednesday.

That Friday my mom and I went to Oklahoma City for the weekend because I was performing at the National Cowboy Hall of Fame. I remember being at dinner on 63rd and watching the death toll rising.

Who can forget the Pulitzer Prize winning photographer of firefighter Chris Fields carrying out poor little Baylee Almon? Can you believe that she would be driving now if this atrocity had not happened? Thinking about which colleges to go to. Planning for prom. The bombing happened the day after her first birthday. Do you think they had her party planned for the following Saturday?

Can you even begin to imagine being excited for your baby girl's first birthday party and then lose her a few days before? I think as I reflect on this, with as much desire as I have to be a mother, it is harder to get a grasp of the evil that plotted and executed this act.

As the years passed after the bombing I have as many memories.

My sophomore year Mark Medoff premiered a play at Ardmore Little Theatre: A Christmas Carousel. The story, based on Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, centered around the bombing, with Scrooge played by woman, specifically played by deaf actress Phyllis Frelich. This was when my interest in American Sign Language returned (I've always loved ASL and can remember an interest since I was little). The show was amazing.

Three years later, my freshman year in college, I was part of the theatre department (albeit just by taking a Stage Crafts class with a professor that wanted to prove the point that non majors could be an asset to the department) and they were doing A Christmas Carousel, again with Phyllis starring. The show had changed some in the three years since it premiered in Ardmore, but it had only gotten better. The scenery was very simple, designed by Phyllis' husband, and the infamous fence was a part of it. I was honored to be the assistant stage manager for this amazing show. The show is written in an amazing way where the entire show is spoken and signed simultaneously. One of the most awe inspiring moments was that the ghost of Christmas past looks at Scrooge and says "9:02 that morning...boom", one night during a dress rehearsal we looked down and it was 9:02 pm. It happened like that every night.

That semester I was also taking an architecture class (yeah I was a little major challenged that semester). We were honored to have Torrey Butzer, the wife of the husband and wife team that designed the memorial. We got to see all her sketches. I still remember President Clinton dedicating the memorial on April 19, 2000.

I remember going to Mexico with friends in high school and some of the locals in the market asking where we were from. When we responded Oklahoma they said "ah yes, Oklahoma, big boom."

I am sad that my state is remembered by many only by this act of evil, as we have a lot more to offer, however I am proud of the way our state pulled together for one another following this disaster. I am proud to be an Oklahoman on this day more than any other.

Two friends posted this on facebook today, and I have to share it as well. President Clinton said this April 23, 1995:

"If anybody thinks that Americans are mostly mean and selfish, they ought to come to Oklahoma. If anybody thinks Americans have lost the capacity for love and caring and courage, they ought to come to Oklahoma."

I know my children will ask where I was when April 19 happened.

Eighth grade, English I, Mrs. Graham's class.

Those of us that remember are a part of history. Like those that can answer "where were you when Pearl Harbor happened" or "where were you when Kennedy was shot," we are a part of history. It is crazy to think of how many people I know that weren't even born when this happened and how many don't remember it because they were too young.

If you have never been to the memorial you should go, it truly is one of the most powerful places ever. If you can talk to someone who worked on the site, listen to their story.

April 19, 1995: we will never forget.



I remember where I was, where were you?

A Celebration

Today I went to the celebration of the life of Soroosh Davani. Soroosh passed away on Christmas day and was the loving husband of one of my college friends, Rosemary. He courageously fought cancer and in his words: "I did not lose my battle with cancer. I won my battle with life by living my life to the fullest."

My first memory of Soroosh had nothing to do with him at all, actually. My freshman year of college I pledged a Christian sorority, Kappa Phi, and one of our first activities was a progressive dinner. One of our stops was Rosemary's apartment. She had this beautiful table scape (on the floor :)) with beautiful linens and dishes (not your typical paper plates) and had all this amazing food, specifically, tabouli and hummus. I grew up going to Jamil's Steakhouse in Tulsa, a steakhouse that also served classic Lebanese food, so I was in heaven with this stuff! Rosemary explained that she had learned the recipes from her boyfriend's mom. When I told my mom about all of this she said I needed to make friends with this girl to learn how to cook this amazing food!

My next memory, and the first of Soroosh himself, was at our Hayride a few weeks later. In walks this couple. The best word I can use to describe them was dashing! They were beautiful! They certainly did not look like they belonged in Norman, Oklahoma; maybe at some fashion show in New York or LA, but not anywhere that I was, for sure! They both had on long leather coats and at least one of them had a fancy hat on. They were just beautiful. I remember seeing them, with my eyes wide open, thinking that there was no way this fancy couple would ever be people I could be friends with; they were just way too sophisticated for this small town girl.

Well this would be an example where first impressions are not always correct. Rosemary and Soroosh were certainly as beautiful and sophisticated as they seemed, but as I got to know them I learned that they were also two of the nicest, most genuine loving people I have, to this day, ever met. It was so easy to see how much they loved each other, even as young as we were (though they never seemed as young as me because they just carried themselves with such maturity).

One of the most interesting things about them is their religion. As previously mentioned, Kappa Phi was a Christian sorority and Rosemary was devoutly Catholic. Soroosh was Muslim. When I have told people about them, in the last week two weeks and since I've known them, people always question how on earth this worked. Both were very strong in their faith, but they had such a respect for each other and each other's faith that it just worked. I know many, many couples that are of the exact same faith that couldn't get it together like Rosemary and Soroosh! They were truly perfectly matched soulmates that were lucky enough to find each other.

I lost track of them for several years in there and then found her on facebook a few years ago, after his diagnosis. I was shocked when I saw it. She sent me a message with the story and it just made me so sad. They married in 2006, after he finished law school and were living in Arizona. It just seemed so unfair. They were beautiful, both inside and out, and had their entire life ahead of them, and then were struck down with this horrible disease. It makes you really step back and think. It makes you think about your own life and mortality and what all we can do with our lives.

His celebration of life, the Norman version, was today. I really hoped to not cry, but I did. Heck, I cry at everything. I would like to think that these were tears of joy knowing that I was lucky to enough to have known this great man; and knowing that I am lucky enough to consider this beautiful, strong, amazing woman a friend and sister.

There were two passages that were said today that really stuck out to me. One was by a deacon from Rosemary's church. I don't have the exact passage, but I'll paraphrase.

A man was at the point in his life when he was to die. He began asking those around him who would go with him. His wife and children said they could not. His friends said they could not. The grain of the field that he worked could not. When he was buried and went to heaven all that went with him were his actions, who gladly made the trip.

Wow. That was really powerful to me. It reminded me of a quote by one of my favorite people, Grace Kelly:

I would like to be remembered as someone who accomplished useful deeds, and who was a kind and loving person. I would like to leave the memory of a human being with a correct attitude and who did her best to help others.

I pray that I can be that person. I know that watching Rosemary and Soroosh, when I was around them and watching their journey on facebook, certainly has made me a better person. Rosemary attributes her strength to lessons she learned from Soroosh, but I think, while that is true, she is also one of the strongest people I have ever had the pleasure of being around and that strength comes from inside her. She shows that strength to everyone that she encounters and will continue to share that strength for the rest of her life.

The second quote that was shared was by Robert Frost:

Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.

Well isn't that certainly true? I pray that I can find a love and have a relationship that is half as happy and filled with love as the one that I was so privileged to witness in Rosemary and Soroosh.

If you are someone who prays please keep Rosemary and Soroosh's family in your prayers in the next few days, weeks and months. They are amazing people, but a few extra prayers for strength has never hurt anyone.

I leave you with a photograph of the happy couple from our college days, at some fun Kappa Phi dance. They are smiling and happy, which is how I will always remember them.

Thirty in Thirty: Eleven

It is not so much our friends' help that helps us, as the confidence of their help. ~Epicurus

I cannot believe I have known this person less than a year.

The first night I met her she had on a shirt from my college sorority, so I thought we would hit it off immediately. Then not so much. The more we were talking the more she talked about being into outdoorsy stuff and well, that's not me. I didn't think we would end up getting along at all. Boy, was I wrong!

I'm not sure when it all changed, but it did. We share a love for crafting and Christmas decorating, and pearls, and shoes, and most everything else (except our choice of college loyalty). Earlier this year when I found out she was pregnant I was CERTAIN it was a girl. I mean, certain. To the point that I had already bought stuff to make her baby stuff, in girl patterns and colors. I was in a meeting when she called to tell me the "verdict" and her call was so funny: WE WERE WRONG! Nonetheless I adore that little guy, so all's well, though she can hurry up and have another one so we can have a girl to take to dance class and get all dolled up at dance recitals! (She may kill me for making that comment when she reads this...LOVE YOU!!!)

Like I said, we bonded over crafting and would have craft nights and work on stuff and I think I tried to teach her to knit (she went back to her needlepoint pretty quickly, but she'll get it eventually). Hers and her husband's families are in Texas, so they are gone "home" quite a lot, so I don't get to see her as much as I would like and add school, work and Junior League for me it is a hit and miss type of a deal.

Somewhere around February I was having a really, really crummy day and we were having a women's group evening and I was just not in the mood to really be there, luckily though, she showed up. We ended up chatting at one end of the table and I took her home and sat in the car crying for about an hour. This would have been one of those frustrated moments that everyone in my world was married and pregnant and I wasn't and frankly, I felt that I was standing still while everyone else was moving forward. In no way could I see it any other way. This wonderful, wonderful friend looked at me and said she felt like she was the one getting left behind because here I was in grad school and she wasn't and thought she would be.

She is always there and can tell when I'm upset. And she is always there to listen and remind me that I'm a good person, no matter what I seem to think. She is one of the first people I want to call when something exciting happens and she is always fun to talk to about silly things that are going on in my life. Unfortunately I know my time with her is limited (stupid military family), but the bonus is that no matter where they go I will have somewhere fun to visit!

Sometimes you need that friend that will point out how wonderful your life really is. In no way would she change her life, of course, and in no way would I change mine, but it helps to have a friend around that reminds you just how good you have it.

Thirty in Thirty: Eight

Happy is the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind, and has given up worrying once and for all. ~Ovid


I think I have to get a blog out before I can write a good paper. It's like my warm up writing.

Okay day eight is not going to be my favorite and it's going to be really vague. To protect the guilty I guess.

This person taught me a lot in the short time that I knew her. First off, she was perfect. Believe me, perfect. Just ask her. We got along, and by got along I mean we were the definition of "frienemies." I don't think I understood that word until I encountered this person.

My perception of this person was that she thought EVERYTHING I did was wrong. The funny thing is that everything that has happened, which did not mirror her life, happened just as it needed to for me. And I think those last two words of the sentence are the most important: for me. Her life has gone perfect for her. I'm sure there have been obstacles that she has had to face, but she doesn't talk about them nearly as much as I do. Granted I talk, a lot. I don't mind sharing my story. I hope that my story will give others in similar situations hope. Or if nothing else it will entertain them.

In the last year my life has gone in many different directions. I am back in school (who'da thought?), I went out a lot (I thought I had given up going out sometime around age 24), I have made friends with some interesting characters (now that one's not all that surprising). I don't see anything that I've done as wrong...for me. Some of the decisions might not be right to someone else, but ultimately I'm the one that has to answer to God and answer to myself, not them.

When mentioning things that I have done (none of which have been that bad!) I got many, many "looks" from this person. It seemed that nothing I did was right. I am a people pleaser and this really bothered me for a long time. Why did she not like me? Why did she judge what I did? I just didn't get it. I spent a long time talking to a friend one night and he brought up the point that maybe it wasn't judgement, maybe instead there was an element of jealousy or "what if?" and I was perceiving it as judgement. This really got me to thinking: people are only mean to me because they are jealous of me! Maybe that's not the only reason, but, frankly, I do have a lot going for me, I really do. At the same time the road to get here has not always been smooth, flat, sunny and cheerful. I wouldn't have it any other way though. I may not be married and have two perfect children in a perfect house, but I am furthering my education in a hope that I can go out and make a huge impact in the world. I want to help people, not just myself, as many people as I can. Odds are good that I'm not going to make a million dollars doing what I want to do, but at the end of the day I think truly loving what you do and knowing that you are making a difference are worth so much more than money can buy.

There were several times that this person would get just angry over things that I did. I, on the other hand, just went with it. It was honestly kind of funny to watch her get worked up. What I realized was this: when she got upset the only person who was miserable and upset over her being upset was her! My youth pastor in high school was known for this phrase:

"When someone spits on you does he make you mad? Nope, he just makes you wet. You make the choice to be mad."

I have thought this phrase a lot over the last year. When I get upset who does it hurt? Me. That's really about it. Sure I have friends that care, but the reality of the situation is that if I let someone get to me, it hurts me, not them. I had to take this attitude with this particular person. Oh there were times I was SO mad, but I just had to keep reminding myself that if she didn't care about hurting my feelings then she wasn't worth me being upset over.

I hope that I brought something positive to her life as well, because she certainly taught me things about my life. I learned that it's okay that I don't have a picture perfect life. It's okay that my life has not taken the same path as many of my friends. It's okay that I didn't meet my future husband in high school or college or fresh out of college. It's okay that I'm 29 and not married yet.

I have learned that I have had a huge blessing placed in my life. I was blessed to be in several unhealthy relationships and I was blessed to get out of them. My partners were blessed to get away from me as well, because it is rare that a relationship is only bad on one side.

I have also learned that people will judge you. People will not agree with what you do with your life. People will not agree with the path that God leads you on. People will think they are better than you. If you go through life believing them then you are missing out. Each of us was given a very distinct and perfect path in God's perfect timing and we should accept our own path and that others will go in a different way and that's okay.

If I could go back and have the life that this person has, as perfect as it appears to be on the outside, would I do it? Probably a year ago I would have said yes. She had everything that I thought I wanted. Note that word: wanted. Not what I needed. I have needed every heartache to get me to where I am. I thought, for a long time, that I just wanted to be a wife and mother, which for many people is a very admirable thing to do (not knocking any stay at home moms that I know and love), but for me it wouldn't be enough. I know that know. A year ago I didn't know that. Six months ago I didn't know that. Heck I don't know that I knew that a month ago. I was going about my Masters trying to find a career that I could do and stay at home at the same time. This semester I have learned that that I won't be fulfilled doing that. I have entirely too much to offer to the world to hold back. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to do (though I have a pretty good idea). I pray that I take advantage of every opportunity I am given. I know there is going to be a moment in the future (maybe it will be soon, maybe it will be a long time from now) that will test me. I will have to make a choice between the easy out, that is totally acceptable, and something that will be challenge me and might be really hard. I don't know what that's going to be and to be honest I'm terrified.

I know when the time comes I will step up to the challenge.

And I know that challenge will change the world.

I realize I sound crazy, but if you've heard about any of my "feelings" then you won't question it. Mark my words, I will change the world. :)

Thirty in Thirty: Seven

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

My first day of work at my first "adult" job I met this person. We did not exactly hit it off. I thought she was a goody-goody prude and she thought I was a drunk, partying sorority girl. To be honest neither of us was too far off. She'd just graduated from a private Christian university where she was an RA. I had just finished up at OU where I'd spent the last two years drinking A LOT of alcohol along with a host of other not so good for me things.

The good news was that we took time to get through that surface stereotype and learn who the other one really was. And we became best friends.

I was there when she met her husband to be, and how she wasn't so sure about him. She was there for the first adult boyfriend (referenced in number three of this series) that didn't work out so well. She got engaged the night that I met the last boyfriend/fiance. When I went out with him the first time she told me not to worry about it, just to let go and enjoy it and she'd do the worrying.

She was there during the first breakup, the second, the third, the fourth, and the most during the last. We talked every day, several times a day right after the wedding was called off. Throughout my relationship she tried to explain the concept of codependency to me, but I never allowed it to sink in. Oh I knew that I was very codependent, but I did not want to hear it. Finally after that break up I got it through my head. Through many, many, many, many talks, tears and realizations I began to heal from the relationship.

The hardest part was that I had to learn who I was, as an adult, in Norman, without him. Let's be honest. I graduated college, partied that whole summer, started a job and started dating someone from home, leading me to be at home every weekend and a few times a week. When that finally came to an end I just wanted away from him, so I threw myself into the next relationship, giving up all the things that were me that reminded me of him for this guy who was such a polar opposite.

Here I was now trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted. July 23, 2009 I cried on the phone to her for about three hours. We went through everything and I was frustrated by my lack of passion. The ex was passionate about sports, but what was I passionate about? Him. (And my darling child I nannied for.) Through this conversation all I could come up with was people. What I finally realized was that I wanted to help people. I don't know that I would have seen that without her talking me through it.

She has her Masters of Human Relations. That's how we met. She moved to Norman to go to grad school and we went to work at the same place, on the same day. Halloween day, last year, on a whim, I asked her about grad school. It was just a question, nothing really serious about it. We ended up talking for a long time the next night. I have already expressed how much I want to be a mom and I want a daughter, plain and simple. I was very lightly rolling the idea of grad school in my head. I kind of had a framework of what I wanted to do, or what group I wanted to help, and when I realized that there was a non profit element to the MHR I was intrigued.

As we're talking and I started to kind of come around to the idea, realized how many hours it was and what the requirements were, she said the cruelest, meanest, most perfect thing to me: What are you going to tell your daughter when you had this opportunity to further your education and you didn't do it?

WHAT?!?!?!

Geez. That was low. Using my yet to be conceived child, that I want more than anything against me? You know what? It worked. That was the one thing that I needed to jump start me. I realized that I have this amazing opportunity. I was given a second chance. I had decided that my life would be one way, but God did not see it that way. I was given this chance to not only change my life, but hopefully to change others' as well.

I hated school. Especially college. I wasn't really looking forward to "hitting the books" again. What I realized, though, was that I have finally found my calling. Now I hate the word "calling" because the majority of people that I have heard use it have been so full of crap that it just makes it sound like total B.S. But, alas, that's what it is. My challenge to myself, though, is to not rush through school and be looking forward to the finish line, like I have my entire life. I am truly, honestly enjoying school. I love that in grad school (or maybe it is just the Human Relations department) that they really seem to want you to learn. We have a social justice basis and they challenge you to make a difference in your community, no matter what track you set yourself on. I love that! I love my specialization! I love the potential that I can see coming from it! I feel so lucky and blessed to have a second chance at life. I know I'm going to make a difference. I'm not exactly sure how, but I have some ideas and I think after next semester I am going to be ready to take a huge step of faith and try it out. Time will tell.

I'm so glad that I didn't take this friend at face value and totally stereotype her that first day at work. Who knows where I would be without her!

Thirty in Thirty: Five

While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.

November 20, 2000 a little person was born that changed my life. He is the little brother of the child that I babysat in the summer. I was never expected to baby sit this little guy. About two weeks before summer was to start I got the call by the adorable girl that I kept in the summer asking/telling me that we were going to have her little brother too.

I was going to be responsible for a six month old about 10 hours a day. Eeek! I didn't know what to do with a baby! I didn't like babies! (Well I liked this one, by nature of who it was, but that was the only reason!) I had changed exactly one diaper in my life (the two year old cousin these kiddos a summer or two before). Their mom and my mom (who worked together) thought this little experience would be the best birth control for me and the 12 year old. I got a crash course one Sunday after church (and the day before I started). It went pretty well, except the little blond child pointing out things like "be careful he doesn't pee on you" and other helpful tips. It's a lucky thing that she's cute!

Bright and early Monday morning I started. I got to learn about rice cereal, which I still think is pretty gross. :) The first day out the precious little darling threw up on me. I guess that was my initiation into having a baby!

The next summer he was eighteen months old and just the cutest little thing ever! Except during temper tantrums, at which time he was hilarious! I remember one day we were waiting on his mom and sister to get home from tennis camp. He was sitting on the kitchen counter watching out the window. He kept trying to put his finger in the electric socket. I explained he couldn't do that again. He tried again, I told him if he did it again I would take him off the counter and he couldn't watch for Mom. He tried again. He got down. He then proceeded to start WAILING and throwing himself on the ground. It was HILARIOUS! His mom called in the middle of this and heard him and asked what was wrong with him. I explained that he was upset with me for not letting him electrocute himself.

Over that summer the idea of him being perfect birth control went out the window. I was in love! I had gone from wanting nothing to do with having children to wanting one! (Not at THAT moment though, I was only 21!) I still sit at this point. More than anything I want to be a mommy. I can't wait! One of these days the time will come. I love all my friends' kiddos and most of the time I can squelch my jealousy of them being mommies (especially when they cry and I can give them back!).

I never would have thought a little summer job would turn into me realizing what I want most out of life, but it did. The lessons I learned with him I have carried through the last ten years. It's amazing what you can learn from a teeny, tiny little person.

Thirty in Thirty: Four

Finally caught up!

Greet Rufus, whom the Lord picked out to be his very own; and also his dear mother, who has been a mother to me. Romans 16:13

This verse was part of the Mother's Day sermon at CrossTimbers. The general idea of the sermon was that just because someone is not you ACTUAL mother doesn't mean that they can't be a mother to you.

I wasn't sure how Mother's Day was going to feel to me this year. Had you asked me the year before I would have said that come Mother's Day 2009 I would be married and proudly have a newborn to show off. God did not see the plan quite like I did. I so hate when He thinks He knows better than I do! (A smidge of sarcasm; I am quite glad that what I think should work out doesn't always!) May 2009 came off of some pretty hard times in my life (Check out Day Ten for more on that) and not being a mom was on the top of the list. How was I going to feel? How would others around me make me feel? Would I be sad? Would I still be thrilled with where my life was going? I didn't know.

Then I heard the sermon. It could not have been more perfect. I have the tendency to be very nurturing and I pride myself with "my kids." I have a bunch of them. I have not given birth to a child yet, but I have about 20 that if they ever decided to run away from home I would take in a heartbeat.

After the sermon portraits were taken and the request was: take a portrait with your mother, take a portrait for your mother, take a portrait with someone that is like your mother...


One of "my" kids came up to me and said "Wendy, will you take a picture with me because you're like my second mom?" After I composed myself and kept myself from crying I said, of course. I was so touched by that!

And what an awesome "son" I have! He is a mess and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I would like to give credit to his mother for raising such an amazing young man. He is12 and in the seventh grade. He is quite the cute kiddo: blond hair, blue eyes, tall and athletic. He is blond though, God love him, he is a bit ditsy! And slightly accident prone: three trips to the ER in a month during football season. Though he only got to play two games I have to mention his athletic talent. This summer he went to the Josh Heupel football came and got chosen by a scout to be sponsored for camp next year and they are going to follow his career! (Did I mention he's 12???)

He is one of the most kind, caring, compassionate kids I have ever met. He is the kid that is going to go talk to that kid that no one else will talk to, the one without any other friends, that may not be as smart, or as pretty, or as athletic, or as popular. He will always be there to help out his friends. He loves his mom more than anything and isn't afraid to show it (we'll see how that goes in about four years!). He is just overall a great kid. I am blessed to be a part of his life and am blessed that he is a part of mine.

No matter what I was afraid I might be feeling on Mother's Day I didn't have to worry about it because of him. He was placed in my life at just the right time and will be there for many, many more years!

Thirty in Thirty: Three

A sad thing in life is that sometimes you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.

Let's try an ex boyfriend on for size! Though there were some hard feelings when this relationship came to an end, I am not going to dwell on the negative, just simply mention it.

I met this guy around 2002. He was about to marry his high school sweetheart (aw!) and we became friends through church and a musical (I was friends with his fiance' as well). They married and inevitably divorced. After they split we talked a lot, just as friends, because when you're going through a break up you need a friend. From there a spark was lit.

We saw each other one night at a play and then he asked me to dinner and a movie, I wasn't sure if it was a date, so I asked what kind of shoes I should wear: heels or flip flops. He said, well wear whatever makes you comfortable, but it is a date! I was pretty excited.

On paper we were PERFECT! We had the same group of friends, were interested in the same activities, went to the same church. The only negative I could see was that he lived in our hometown and wasn't very willing to leave, which would mean if we ended up together I would have to move home. I came to be okay with this idea as the weeks and months progressed.

When we started dating he had not thoroughly healed from his divorce (mistake number one, on both of our parts). We were together and then not so much and then kind of and then not so much and then kind of and then not so much and then well yeah. I remember us having a big fight (but we were NOT together!) and I had a bit too much to drink which led me to meet the next guy, though I was totally not over this relationship. That was Friday. On Sunday I went home for church and we got into a HUGE fight that night. This is my fun story of getting dumped when you didn't know you were dating someone! Oh the stories of my life! :)

I started dating someone soon after that and the mistake that I made following the relationship with this guy was that I did not forgive him when I started dating the next guy. I was hurt, a lot. We had been close friends and all the things that happened in our pseudo relationship, to me, didn't feel like something that someone would do to their friend. I realize now that he was not in a place to be in a relationship and I wanted to be in a "perfect" relationship too much. I could see all the positives, but did not take into account the fact that we just didn't fit!

That happened in 2005. October 28, 2009 (following the cancelled wedding) I realized that I had never forgiven this guy. I realized the problems this caused in my next relationship. I was so angry after that relationship ended that I was so determined to make the next relationship work and to make it "perfect." He kept telling me that things would not work with this new guy; I did not want him to be right and I did not want to fail. I did everything, too much, to hold onto a relationship so I could be right. (This is not to say that I did not love the next guy with all my heart, I whole heartedly did, but the hurt from the previous relationship certainly played a part in the length of the next relationship.)

I am happy to say that October 29, 2009 I totally, whole heartedly, 100% forgave this guy for every hurt that I felt. Forgiveness is a very freeing thing, I highly recommend it. Some may say that this guy, or the next, or others in my life do not deserve forgiveness. What I learned that day is that forgiveness is not necessarily about the person that has wronged us, but rather, about our hearts not holding onto hurts when the time comes to release them. Whether anything that I felt was justified in his eyes I don't know; I probably never will know. Has he forgiven me for any wrong that I did in the relationship? I don't know that either, I pray he has. I know that I did not handle everything during our relationship (however you choose to define it) in the best manner possible.

So long as we learn and grow from our experiences then I feel that every tear shed is worthwhile. I hope he learned something out of our time together, I know I did.

And I know I will always be grateful to him for that.

Thirty in Thirty: Two

I had a big research paper due yesterday which took all my writing ability! I'll try to catch up three days today!


Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet; and two others at first speech are old friends. ~ Mary Catherwood

Perfect quote to describe this friend. In fact my senior year of college at the Wesley Foundation retreat she came up to me (we'd known each other about a month) and said "Just so you know we have the same personality." My initial thought was: "Dear God, there's two of me!" This thought both terrified and excited me.
 
It was pretty much from that moment that we were the best of friends. There is something about having a friend that completely and totally understands how you think. She and I can go for days, weeks, months and it seems like we just talked.
 
One of the funny parts of our friendship is the path that both of our lives have taken. We were both political science majors in college and both planned to go to law school. I think we both would have been great at it too, but alas it did not happen and thank goodness! She had a stint in youth ministry and though I'm pretty sure that I said I never would I know find myself as a leader of the youth group at my church now. I worked with underprivileged people which has turned into the passion that is driving what I want to do with my life. She is currently working with underprivileged and at risk teenagers.
 
Our lives seem to mirror one another, though sometimes (most times really) I think she figures it out before I do!
 
I am super excited that she is coming to spend the weekend after her birthday with me next week!

Election Day 2010: Exercising My Right to Complain

I vote. I voted today. I believe in voting. I have a political science degree, of course I vote!

While I am excited that so many of the "facebook" generation expressed their plan to vote I got a wee bit annoyed by all the posts about voting! It is great that so many went out an voted, but where was all of this during the primaries? What about the Norman mayoral elections in March? Where was everyone and their pro-vote stance then? I hope that everyone keeps the pro-vote attitude from now on.

This year I celebrated my twentieth year "in the political arena," so to speak. When I was nine I hit the campaign trail for my local state representative. I did this every two years as long as he ran. My freshman and sophomore year of high school I served as a page at the State House of Representatives. When I was 16 I campaigned for the District Attorney (who I also babysat for) and for a local Senator (who was one of my high school teacher and whose wife was one of my elementary school teachers). I have always been politically aware. This election also celebrated my tenth anniversary of "big" elections. My first presidential election to vote in was 2000 and what a doozy that one was!

A note about elections and campaigning: I HATE DIRTY CAMPAIGNING! From the gubernatorial campaign in Oklahoma that made national news to my local state representative race where I got more negative campaign material about the opponent than I did of positive information. I learned when I was little that if you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all...I think there are some political candidates that need to re-learn this idea. When I hear someone campaigning negatively about their opponent it just makes me wonder what exactly they are hiding.

If you don't like how the country is going then go vote. Educate yourself on the candidates and the state questions. When you walk into that voting booth know what you believe and who will be most in line with this. We are very lucky to live in a country where we can have a part in the decision making process for our leadership.

If you don't vote then don't think you have any right to complain about the decisions that are made in our country.

Thirty in Thirty: One

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. ~Aristotle

My first victim, er, friend and I have been friends for 18 years. We had six of eight classes together in sixth grade, but that's not where we bonded. Our bond came at the YWCA Charm School that fall. I guess we realized that we had classes together and that Charm School was kind of silly (though quite entertaining and fun at the end when we got to be in a fashion show!).

To say we've been through a lot together is a drastic understatement. There have been times in our friendship that we have not been the best of friends. I think she and I had some competitiveness when we were in high school. Many times it was over other friends and who was closer to this person or that person. She introduced me to one of the biggest thorns in my side (who has stayed that way for about fifteen years, though I wouldn't trade it for anything!). We went through destructive habits together: bad relationships, stupid fad diets, really bad clothing!

We went on vacations together, I spent more time at her house than mine most summers, we got into trouble together (Mrs. Patman's Latin class and the band room and that one time we went to the lake with boys without telling my parents!). I think in many ways our friendship is more like sisters than it is of friends (neither of us having a sister). When we would spend too much time together we would have to be away from each other and wind down and then would go right back to normal. There are many things that she introduced me to and many things I introduced her to; some good, some bad!

Freshman year we went to different schools. By different I mean huge rivals. Her family would always jest at my allegiance to OU (they still do actually!) which is just a normal part of our banter. Growing up her family was an extension of my own family. During the second semester of our freshman year we were working a Chrysalis weekend and I met a boy (don't most hugely dramatic tales begin with "there was this guy..."). He was a nice boy, I thought. She'd known him for some time. We dated for a week! (Huge monumental relationship, huh? :) It actually really was...I'm quite certain he will come up in later chapters!) Then we broke up the next weekend. I was devastated (I look back now and I'm not quite sure why). At any rate something happened and being the overly emotional person that I am my feelings got hurt. Clearly it wasn't that big of a deal as I cannot recall the exact events, though I know it had to do with that boy. We did not talk for a few months.

Somewhere after that we made amends, probably without actually saying anything, that's just how things go. Sophomore year she joined a sorority and I discovered football. I had my friends, she had her friends and we didn't talk as much as before; nothing was wrong, we were both just busy. The summer after junior year we were in a play together in Ardmore (well she was IN the play and I worked the play backstage) and I guess we connected. The third of our threesome of best friends got married that summer and there was a reconnection for all of us. When we got back to school it was much the same as it had been: both busy with separate lives.

She graduated the December after we were "supposed" to graduate (I took the five year plan and graduated the following May, but with two degrees!). Nothing was really said about the other's graduation, it just was what it was. Somewhere after I graduated we started talking regularly again. It might have been because of the guy I was dating (ugh...why is it always a boy???) or who knows why. I remember when the afore mentioned boy and I broke up (for probably the third time) I went and visited her and spent Valentine's Day with her and her brother, just as an escape from life at home. Things were great and wonderful!

The following summer I had the final breakup with that guy and started dating the next. I remember he and I going to visit her at her parents' house just after we started dating. We were already talking about marriage and I remember she and I talking about being in each other's weddings. That afternoon I remember her talking about this guy that one of her friends wanted to set her up with, but she just wasn't all that sure about him.

Well they started dating a short time later. This is the part of my tale where we "broke up and got back together", so there was a bit of tarnish on my seemingly perfect relationship. I had built things up that this relationship was perfect that I was in no way, shape or form going to admit that we may have hit a rocky patch. That summer my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. We went through all the preop stuff and the surgery. I remember when I was at the hospital after surgery I got a text message announcing that they were engaged. Really??? Engaged??? They'd known each other a millisecond! I'd been in a relationship longer! This was not fair! To say I was jealous might be an understatement. To top in off while she is in wedding planning mode we went through "broke up and got back together" again! I could not bear to admit defeat and couldn't bear to tell her that we'd broken up, especially since I KNEW we would get back together (and we did).

I remember laying in my bed at my old apartment when she called and told me I'd be serving cake at her wedding. I was floored. Serving cake? That's the job you give to that person that you have to give a job to and you don't really like them. We're best friends! How could she? I was upset. (We have since talked and laughed about this, by the way!)

A sidebar to this story: I will now reveal my love languages, if you know anything about the five love languages. Mine top two are Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. I can think back on countless times that my feelings got hurt because I was not given the quality time that I desired (like being a bridesmaid!).

The reality of the situation was that she asked her cousins (clearly), his sister (clearly) and two of her sorority sisters, who in reality were her best friends at the time. During this time in my life I kind of felt like everyone was out to get me (I am in a MUCH healthier place now!) and this was just a manifestation of that. I did go to her wedding and was jealous of the relationship she had with her new sister in law, her sorority sisters and her cousins. To say that I wasn't hurt would be a lie.

The months rocked along and we didn't talk all that much. She was a newlywed and I was trying to sort out my relationship. About a year after they got married she got pregnant. I found out on MySpace (granted, she posted it and then called or text messaged me right after, so that was just crappy timing). I was hurt and angry about that too. It wasn't so much that she didn't tell me, but it was hard watching her other friends know and me not know. It was hard not being that person that she told things too. It made me sad.

That summer I missed her baby shower because I had surgery a few days before. I am sad that I did. Maybe I should have ridden with our other best friend, maybe I could have taken another pain pill and made it through the day, would it have made any difference? Coulda, woulda, shoulda...what can you do about those now?

The morning after the baby was born (an adorable boy!) she called me (he was born at like 2:00 am, she called at 11:00 am, no one is going to be upset about that time lapse!). I remember where I was when I got the call. We talked for a few minutes and then hung up. Her mom asked who she had been talking to, when she told her, her mom said "I think that's the shortest amount of time you two have ever been on the phone!"

Everything changed that Easter (doesn't it always come back to Easter with me? See World Communion Sunday for more on my history with Easter!). She sent out a mass email from her dad about their annual Easter Egg Hunt. The Easter Egg Hunt was a huge thing for us in high school. This is a serious hunt! In the good ol' days (before the economy bottomed out!) there would be hundred dollar eggs and they would be hidden all over their land. There was tons of food and family and friends. At this particular hunt her son was to be the guest of honor! Well I wanted to go! I convinced the boyfriend that we had spent the last two Easters with his family and we headed to Ardmore for it. We had a blast (well she and I did, don't know about the guys!) I guess this is where our friendship got back on track.

My mom and I went to her son's first birthday party; something I cannot even think about missing! When I got engaged I did not ask her to be a bridesmaid. I would be lying if I didn't say it was partially out of spite. I pray that even subconsciously this was not my primary reason. I did want to prove a point, with the whole stupid wedding, though, that I had moved on from our hometown, thus I asked no one from home (sans the little sister type person). She and our other best friend would be "honored guests" instead, along with two of my best friends from college.

Once again, Easter happened. On Maundy Thursday, to be specific, there was an "issue" (we'll just leave it at that) with the fiance's family and myself and though we were supposed to spend Easter with them I could not bring myself to go. I called her bawling and asked if they were having the Easter Egg Hunt and if I could come. Pretty sure she rolled her eyes when I asked this and said of course.

I knew I was invited. Her parents' house is like my house and the door is always open. I just had this need to be "wanted"; I needed to know that they wanted me to be there and cared that I would be there and I needed to hear that (back to those five love languages). Her mom even said that she thought I was ridiculous for asking if I could come. I explained this idea to her and she said, well we'd rather you be here anyway! It was a great day.

A few short weeks after that they wedding got called off and our friendship became even stronger and is where it is now. There is no competition of any kind anymore. I don't know when that fell away. It is part of growing up.

The single best testament to what an amazing friend she is happened when she told me about her second pregnancy. It is no secret that I have had some issues with people in my life being pregnant and some problems with life not being fair and being jealous. She and I talked about this, many, many, times as she was trying to get pregnant and had a little trouble. She told me that she was pregnant via text message. Now this may sound similar to when she was pregnant with her first, but alas, it was very different. This time she sent it and said, "So I thought I would message you so that you don't have to pretend to be happy because I know it will deep down make you sad but #2 is finally on the way". I am fairly certain I cried when I read this. I was nothing but elated for her. I mean I am so very excited about this baby! I called her and told her all of this. The caring that it took to hold back her excitement to consider my feelings is what I see as a true best friend. I am busy planning her baby shower with such excitement it is ridiculous!

I cannot imagine my life without her. In two years we will celebrate our 20 year "friend-iversary" and we are supposed to go on a trip. We are both embarking upon different stages in our lives, but even with 180 degree differences we are closer now than we have ever been. I would not trade one fight, squabble, jealous moment, competitiveness between each other for anything. She has made me who I am and I have made her who she is. We have come out stronger through it all. There is pretty much nothing that the two of us cannot accomplish or figure out if we put our heads together (which can be a little scary!) It is now strange for us not to talk every day (in fact we're talking on facebook chat right now!). I think we have both grown up a lot in the last ten years (me especially!) and there is no worry about what others will say, think or do and we just call each other out on our bullshit and move on. We don't say what the other one wants to hear, rather we say what we need to hear in a kind and loving way. She is usually the first person that I call when I have a problem and she is the first person I call when I have a new crush (which she can usually figure out with the first guess, tricky little devil!).

My predicition for the future: we will be the ones that when we are 99 years old will be sitting in a nursing home gossiping about the little old men chasing after the little old ladies. Who knows what technology will be in place for us to figure things out then! :)