I Love My Church

Since, for the most part, CrossTimbers has taken up the majority of my time (when not at the real job) it seems like the perfect place to start writing again.

A few moons ago I wrote a post and said that I chose to leave religion out of my blog. I had a million reasons why I did that. Being separated from that moment in time I can't seem to think of one. I'm sure it had a lot to do with not being entirely certain of my faith at the time. Not wanting to offend people probably was in there. Certainly I didn't want to start any arguments. Now, though, I don't really care. This is MY blog and my faith and my church is extremely important to me. If you don't like it, leave. Plain and simple. I don't want to argue. I don't want to try to change your mind. I simply want to tell my story. The one that I am living. I hope you will stay and read, but if you chose not to, well that's okay too. (Check back though, I'm sure there will be silly and frivolous posts coming soon too).

And on we go.

So I love my church. Plain and simple. We are in a campaign at CT that is called "I Love My Church." I didn't steal the idea, I really do love it.

Last week I was working in Lawton and was talking to a friend who simply asked "Why church?" I gave the answer, which I will give throughout this post, but I've spent the last eight days really thinking about that simple two word question.

My journey to get to CrossTimbers and become the person that I am wasn't exactly easy. It wasn't quick. I fought and fell and screwed up to get there and to stay there. I tried to run away, more than once, but ultimately something about this place and this faith grabbed me and wouldn't let go, no matter how I struggled against it.

I came to CrossTimbers about three months after my engagement was called off. I was a broken shell of a person. Everything I had built my life around had been taken from me. Thankfully I was able to retain a few amazing friends who never gave up on me. I also had one person who I met very quickly who was still floating around in facebook-land. I cannot thank God enough for Jennifer. From a simple conversation nine months before to an invitation on facebook on my birthday she was the catalyst to who I have become.

I went to a women's group event on a Saturday. I liked all the girls. Sunday I walked into worship where most everyone was in jeans and there were drums and loud contemporary music. I almost walked out, but I didn't. Thankfully I really hate hurting people's feelings. Chris did his sermon and I was hooked.

I promised I would not get overinvolved. Even going so far as to text my best friend that very statement as I am getting in my car to drive to the new building to set up. The next week I suggested a prayer card ministry, and as they say, the rest was history.

My journey at CT hasn't always been uphill. I fell more than once. In the past when that would happen I would be reprimanded, judged and embarassed or angry. Places I had been active at prior to CT were never home. They never had a feeling of unconditional love. This is something that I can say CrossTimbers excels in.

I worried for nearly three years that the other shoe would drop. That I would do something that was just bad enough that I would be pushed aside. In situations similar to this in the past I would push myself to a point that I was doing things simply so that I was doing so much that they couldn't get rid of me.

I feared being abandoned. {This fear was pointed out to me last week and I've been realizing lately just how true it is}

When I turned thirty I made up my mind that I needed an adventure. A big one. I was going to move to New York for a year. It seemed like the best solution. If my friends were moving on with their lives and leaving me behind (which is what it felt like, not how it actually was) then I would just get a head start. I would run before I was abandoned.

Then I realized that I was running again. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't, but I was.

I hadn't made my decision when I made a week and a half long trip to Manhattan just so I could know for sure. As he was driving me to the airport Chris simply said, remember that New York doesn't have CrossTimbers.

Two years of grad school had flown by taking my time and my energy. CT was growing and with that came more activities. I so desperately wanted everything to fall into place in my "five year plan" in Junior League.

I was tired.

I had a glorious time in NYC. I got to run around the city by myself and decompress. I came home and had big decisions to make. I was certain that moving was not the answer. Sure I'd had ten days of making my own schedule and not being overbooked, but, in my heart, I knew that if I moved I would do the same thing again, just with a different church, a different League, and with different people.

Location wasn't what had to change. I was what had to change.

In a conversation with Chris I mentioned that I really wanted to be in a relationship, like really badly. Then when asked my favorite part of my trip I said being on my own.

Contradict myself much?

It was as if I was wanting what everyone else had and neglecting what actually was making me happy. I wanted to put myself in the same box as everyone else because that's what I felt I should do. That being said, Chris gave me a deadline. He said I would fall in love by July.

Awesome.

I liked how he thought. I now had a set time that I could wait for. Eight months wasn't so long. I could SO do this.

I put my new countdown date on my countdown clock on my phone (along with my vesting date at work, my vacation, and graduation). I counted down the days.

In July we did a series called "Confessions of a Leader." Chris preached two weeks then Jason then myself. I talked about running, both in the physical and the emotional sense. I had realized that running to New York was not the answer to my problem. I loved CrossTimbers and I loved all the things that we were doing. The people we were reaching. The ministry that was occuring. The changes that were taking place in my life.

That one Sunday, though I'd written the sermon a month before, changed everything. That was the day that I made the commitment to the entire congregation, and to myself, that I wanted to make CrossTimbers the best place it could be.

That was July 29, 2012. Two days after that my countdown to falling in love ran out.

That was an extremely busy and amazing week. We pulled off the most amazing VBS. It touched the kids and it touched the adults. I watched transformations occur among the people of CrossTimbers. People who didn't want to be involved were singing and dancing with the kids. People who thought they'd just drop their kids off were in costumes leading groups by the end of the week. There were God sightings everywhere.

It was amazing.

I had to share my birthday with VBS which initially I was not thrilled with. I can say, without a doubt, it was the best birthday ever. I could not imagine being with anyone else but my CrossTimbers family on that day.

So, we all survived VBS. We had an amazing "box Olympics" with the youth to clean up after it. (CT people: ask Chris about the gymnastics).

Then Monday came.

The chaos had gone and I was alone. I'll admit it was nice, but I had to start making some big decisions. I was slated to be the Community Vice President for Junior League this year. I knew there was no way I could do it. I love the League, but it just wasn't what I was supposed to be doing. It took the entire week for me to get the courage to write the resignation letter, send it to the president and tell my close League friends what I had done.

I felt awful. I felt like a quitter. I generally will tough through stuff so that I don't let people down. I knew I couldn't do that this time and I knew that it was in the best interest for everyone involved for me to resign. I still felt awful.

When I'm having a bad day I drive. I found myself in Oklahoma City, close to the Devon Tower. Now, Devon is not exactly the skyscrappers of NYC, but it's the closest thing I can get to in my car, thus I tend to flock to downtown OKC just to be in the presence of tall buildings.

While driving around I drove by the Jaguar dealership. I have wanted a Jag, specifically an XK8, since I was in high school (yeah, yeah, Ryan Phillippe in Cruel Intentions caused that). As I passed the cars I realized that if I had the $75,000 to spend on the car of my dreams I wouldn't do it. If I had an extra $75,000 lying around I would give it to CrossTimbers. That is how much I believe in what we are doing.

So that got me thinking. I had this plan for working up to a full 10% tithe. I was starting simply because I didn't want to bust my budget. The more I drove and the more I thought the more I realized that if I wanted God to bless me at CT I needed to start trusting Him with the one thing I held the tightest: finances.

I made the decision to put it all in God's hands. From the next paycheck on I have given a full 10%. It is weird how things fall into place when you just start to trust God. Even though I have a tenth less money each month it somehow works out. I haven't had to worry about finances since then.

Over the days following that I started to think about my July 31st countdown (as it had now started to count up on my phone). I almost called Chris out saying that I didn't fall in love.

That's when I realized it.

I had fallen in love.

Head over heels, in fact.

It wasn't with a guy though (and not with a girl either, get your minds out of the gutter!)

I had fallen in love with CrossTimbers, with what we are doing there and with God all over again.

That moment changed me.

Never in a million years did I expect to be someone that people looked up to in the church, but that's who I've become.

Never in a million years did I expect to really know the Bible, but that's what I strive for.

Never in a million years did I think I would want to do this "church" thing full time, but now I can't think of anything else I would rather do, when the time is right.

I could list for you a million reasons I love my church.

I could start with the names of each and every single member.

I can name an amazing ministry that cares for CT and what I've seen God do at CrossTimbers because of it and how He has worked magic in the lives of those that are part of it.

I could tell stories of how lives have been changed, and saved, at CrossTimbers.

I could talk about people who had never walked in the door of a church and now are there every Sunday without fail.

I could tell about people who had just about given up on church until they came to CrossTimbers.

I could tell you about the confidence that I get by Chris trusting me with some extremely important ministries.

I can tell you about people that you would never think could ever be friends bonding over Bible studies.

I could name a group that needed a place to meet that has turned into an incredible ministry bringing people to God.

I can tell you how I used to breeze in late so that I would avoid greeters and get to sleep a little later to now getting there an hour before my Sunday morning group starts.

I could tell you about watching the faces of the kids coming through the Communion line getting bread (and sometimes juice) and watching the moment that they "get" what they're doing.

I could name a lot of little faces that call me Wennie or Wewe.

I could tell you of people who have had to move, due to their jobs, that post how much they miss it.

I can see it in the smiles, and the tears, and the laughter, and the prayers.

When someone asks me about CrossTimbers they get an invitation to come. Whoever they are, whatever they believe.

CT is like no other church I have ever been to. We're not perfect, but we strive to be the best that we can and it is something that you see anytime you see someone from CrossTimbers.

I read a book last summer by Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz. I love this quote:

I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes.

After that I liked jazz music.

Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.

I truly hope that every part of my being shows that I love my church and I love God. I strive to show God's love through this amazing little church in a strip mall in southeast Moore. I strive to show God's love through everything I do. I know I'm not perfect. I know there are things I can do better, but the most amazing thing about my God is that He loves me anyway. He loves me when I'm getting it right and when I could do a little better. My church is the same way. We don't allow perfect people to walk in the door (well I guess we would if we ever found one!). We embrace imperfections and quirks. That's what makes us who we are. There is room for everyone. I want everyone who walks in the doors of CrossTimbers to feel like it is home and that they are being asked into a family. Too many times I have felt unwelcome at churches and I strive to make sure that CrossTimbers is not like that. No one will be turned away.

So, to answer the simple question "Why church?" Because I love it.

Best Week Ever

Seriously this was the best week ever.

It all started last Sunday morning. I closed out our sermon series Confessions of a Leader. I told the story of how I started at CT and what made me scared and all of that (I will post it if I can't get the audio to rip, but something will happen with that). It was incredible. I talked about running (or more accurately how much I hate running, the physical kind). Just before I went up Ryan told me to knock 'em dead (I didn't cry). I made it through pretty well, apparently I talked a little fast at first, but slowed down and hit a rhythm. I got choked up, but managed to recover (though Chris got up to console me if needed, which would have made the crying absolutely worse!). Every word that I said I meant. I truly, honestly and completely love CrossTimbers with all of my heart. The things that God is doing through CT to further His kingdom truly amazes me every day. The communion song was Chris and Ryan playing my absolute favorite song in the entire world: Run by Collective Soul. I don't think this is the best video, but hopefully you get the idea of how incredible these two are.

I got big hugs afterwards and made a few people cry, which pretty much made me cry, but they were all good tears!

After worship was done it was time to start VBS! We started in on set up, which lasted until youth. Then we had potluck and more VBS set up. It was a really, really long day, but was absolutely INCREDIBLE.

I won't lie, it took me awhile to get geared up for VBS, but in the last few months (and all the realizations I've had during those months) I completely got on board, although I was happy to have a bit more of an administrative role this year than being directly with the kids! Sweet Becky went home and got her camera and took incredible photos throughout the week.

The adults pretty much ran on caffeine and cookies all week (thank you to Nikki for fabulous homemade ones!). The Fort was our sanctuary from the kids (and hiding spot for the cookies). I enjoyed kidnapping my sweet baby boys each night and throwing them around. I loved every moment of interacting with the big kids and the itty bitty kids and the amazing youth that helped us as well.

When I got home the facebooking started! We posted some photos from the evening (including a rather amusing photo of Pastor Chris) and everyone was commenting and posting statuses about how much fun we were having.

Tuesday and Wednesday were just as incredible. There were moments when I saw God's work so crystal clear. We had the kids do "God sightings" and the things that they saw and watching them see these things truly warmed my heart every single day. Watching them sing praise and dance and have fun did too. It was amazing to see that God wasn't just working in the kids' hearts, but in the adults as well. When I was going through the photos from the week the smiles on the adults faces were just as big as the ones plastered on the kids' faces. People's lives were changed this week, I have no doubt.

Thursday was my concern early in the VBS process: my birthday. I am generally a very giving person with my time, but I tend to be pretty darn selfish on my birthday and I didn't really want to share it! I'm SO glad that I did!

I can honestly say I cannot fathom a better birthday! It started out at 12:06 am when Chris and Jennifer called to be the first to wish me happy birthday! (I finished all CT work at 11:59, by the way). I got to sleep in! I had a serious God sighting with that: I put my phone on silent, but forgot to turn my alarm off (the alarm will sound even if the phone is on silent) and it either did not go off or did not wake me up...GO GOD! I got up and was kidnapped by my sweet Katie-friend for yummy sushi at a place I had never been and wrapped up with cheesecake!

She dropped me off at home and I got ready to head to CT after responding to all the incredible messages on facebook. It was nice to have a few moments of quiet at CT before the fun started again!

This was when I realized the AMAZING people I have chosen to surround myself with. As I was getting all the name tags ready my sweet friends flooded me with gifts and sweet cards. Some of the gifts were hilarious, as were the fabulous cards (especially the ones from the kiddos). I love that I have found an amazing church family where I can be exactly who I am without any fear of judgment. These are people who know me and love me for exactly who I am. All of the fears that I've had about church before are completely irrelevant at CT.

After an incredible time at VBS (and the totally awkward feeling of being the first to leave CT) we headed to the Mont for the traditional birthday dinner and drinks. I had incredible friends that came out. It was a wonderful time to relax and chat after such a long week at VBS.

Friday was a relatively slow day (since I was off work again). We had some stuff come up with a CT member or two and I was once again reminded how we come together if one of us is in trouble or has something happen. I was honestly sad that it was Friday and it was the last day of VBS. It was so incredible to see the lasting changes that have been made in the lives of the people of CT.

Saturday was filled with pool cleaning, Tucker Farley-kins' birthday party and then round two of my birthday. It ended up being wonderful, as I had a bunch of friends come over, but they came in shifts it seemed so I was able to focus on everyone and it didn't stress me out!

Today the best week ever came to an end, or so I thought! Pretty much this best week ever has so far carried into the next week. I stole my JJ who saw that I had cake and said "gimme cake" pretty much the cutest thing ever!

After that we tore down VBS, did some other CT stuff and it was time for youth, which was, as usual, amazing. I cried, but this time it was out of tears of laughter! Seriously best group of kids and leaders you can imagine.

I am on such a high of CT (I guess I've really been there for about seven months) and I just can't get enough. I am so in love with all the amazing things that we are able to do to further God's work here. I can't wait to see what He has in store for us next!

Here we go again...

So I tried this once before with the organic thing...um...yeah here's the update on that:

I drink organic milk, eat organic cereal, gravitate towards organic other stuff when I see it, and well that's about it. Reason: started the organic stuff the last week of March; opened the pool the first week of April, there went the money and the time!

What has changed to get me back to here?

I got a new computer (yay!) so I'm not at my OLD dinosaur anymore thus making it easier (even easier when I get the wireless router hooked up). Plus I have found several blogs that I am becoming mildly obsessed with, plus I think I'm kind of funny and hopefully you agree! Not to mention I'm going to need somewhere to vent over the next semester with all that's on my plate (a plate that looks like a compulsive over eater at a $2.99 buffet by the way...more on that shortly). I also plan to interject what I have learned about pool maintenance over the last few months as well (those are the REALLY funny stories!).

Tomorrow (well Saturday, may be today by the time I finish this) is the last day on my phone calendar that has nothing on it until December 11. Here is what we have:

• Working 40 hours per week (including a MAJOR move at the end of September to combine two offices into one)
• Taking 9 hours of grad school (which is full time, Mondays and Wednesdays from 6-9, and one online class)
• Becoming a new member of the Junior League of Norman
• Helping with CrossTimbers’ (my church) youth group
• Prayer Team at CrossTimbers
• Book Club at CrossTimbers
• Planning a charity golf tournament (though I don't play golf!)
• Keeping up with the pool
• Relay For Life (though I will miss all the meetings this semester due to class)
• My adopted son (friend Michelle’s 12 year old)’s football games
• Landon’s (friend Lisa’s 16 year old) football games
• Spoiling my new “nephews” (my beautiful friend Valerie’s little one, JJ, born July 6 and my beautiful friend Brittany’s little one, Chase, born August 17)

I think that’s it…oh and breathing and sleeping from time to time :)

I did say “no” to something though! I REALLY wanted to apply for Leadership Norman, but the deadline was today and I did not do it. I have time in the future, when I’m done with school. Hopefully I don’t regret that decision!

So for my last week before school starts I had a very exciting week! Baby Chase made his grand arrival. His mommy, Brittany, is one of my very favorite people. She understands the power of a great pair of shoes! (She’s one of my blogging inspirations!) We go to church together and Chase is just adorable; the only problem is that he was supposed to be CHARLOTTE! We were so very convinced that this baby was going to be a girl and were so very surprised when the ultrasound revealed otherwise. I even walked into the hospital and said “so he really was a Chase not a Charlotte?” Nonetheless I positively adore him and will spoil him rotten. It will be quite fun for him to have JJ to grow up with at church and I will be secretly be turning them both into OU fans! (Brittany is a Texas Tech fan and Valerie is an OSU fan!) Tonight I took dinner to them tonight and will share my newly tweaked recipe (recipe sharing is my favorite part of blogging!) I will get better of taking photos of stuff to post on here! And when I get a release from Mom I will post baby Chase pictures!

Easy Chicken Enchiladas (started at a Tasty Tuesday with a few minor adjustments!)

1 ½ pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts (about 4)

1 cup shredded cheese

1 can cream of chicken soup

1 cup salsa

1 cup nonfat organic Greek yogurt

1-2 tsp chili powder

8 burrito size whole wheat tortillas

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cut chicken into manageable chunks and cook on stove until cooked through. Allow chicken to cool and shred into bite sized pieces. Meanwhile combine soup, salsa, yogurt (originally sour cream, but a whole lot less fat and calories!), and chili powder. Combine a little more than half of salsa mixture with chicken and cheese. Fill tortillas with chicken mixture and place in 9x13 pan. Cover enchiladas with remaining salsa mixture. Cover with foil and bake for 45 minutes or until heated all the way through. Serve with Mexican rice.

Generally one enchilada is plenty for a meal for me! I hope that the Pillers enjoyed these tonight, with my healthy tweaks. I told Brittany to be honest, so we’ll see! :)

Tomorrow is going to consist of a lot of sleeping in and then even more pool work. It has been the dreaded 8 weeks since I last cleaned the pool filter so that has to happen. I really would offer food, alcohol or maybe other things to get someone to do this for me. This time I will backwash before I open the filter (now that’s a fun story for another day!) More to come! :)

Saving Myself for Donnie Wahlberg…

Well maybe not really (or maybe so, who knows!) Here we are again that wonderful day of the year we all love so very much: Valentine’s Day. Last year I was pretty upset by this little twenty-four hour period, but this year I’m just really not. I really just don’t care, it’s just another day.

So why then am I writing a blog for the first time in a month and a half over the subject?

Contentment.

This is my word of 2012. I’ve had real issue with this word in the past because I thought that if I said I was content with my life that meant that I was happy staying where I was, which I’m not. I want to get married and have kids and that’s not where I’m at, so I didn’t want to tempt the fates into thinking that they could just leave me here and I’d be happy about it, because I wouldn’t be. Then a friend encouraged me to watch the movie Courageous. I won’t go into my analysis and critique of the movie because it isn’t relevant here. What happened was that the movie didn’t come out on DVD for some time after I was told to watch it, however I noticed a book at Barnes and Noble inspired by the movie: The Resolution for Women (there’s a men’s version too). I started this book at the beginning of the year and I’ll admit I have not been diligent about reading it every day, but I’ll get through it eventually.

The main point of the beginning and what struck me so much was this idea of contentment. The book laid it out in a manner that I not only understood, but completely and totally agreed with. It suggested the idea that we all have different seasons throughout our lives: seasons to be single, to be married, to be a parent, to be a student, to build our career, to be a kid and so on. The idea of contentment isn’t the idea that you have to be satisfied forever with what you have now; rather it is the idea that you are content, happy and enjoy what you have in the season that you are in. It was like a light bulb went off there in my bedroom.

Contentment doesn’t mean that I am giving up and saying, well I guess this is how it’s going to be and I have to live with it. Rather it gives me the opportunity to live my life to the fullest and enjoy this time I have. Now I’ve known all of this for years and for a long time I’ve told myself I need to learn to live in the moment, but they were just words and the voice in the back of my mind was telling me that I was biding my time until my “real” life started: the get married and have kids life. I don’t really know what the major difference this time was, but I really and truly got it this time around. I realize all the great things that I get to do because I am single.

I took an amazing trip to New York and DC in November and got to enjoy just spending time alone, which was amazing. That trip was all about having new experiences and finding myself along the way. I had never flown by myself before and that felt like this huge thing, that wasn’t really all that big of a deal. At the same time I made all the arrangements myself (besides a bus ticket to DC) and got myself where I needed to be all by myself. I’ve always been a very independent person, however I tend to stay in my own comfortable bubble and that trip pushed me outside my bubble and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I’m finishing my Masters. During the month of February not only have I completed my last class, but I also have to write my comprehensive exam (which I still don’t think is THAT big of a deal, but everyone else is flipping out about). To be honest I’m glad I’m single because I just really don’t have time, right now, to factor someone else in. I am doing everything I can to just have some “me” time in between class and paper writing.

On top of this we are starting some new things at CrossTimbers that I’m ridiculously excited about, but that are also kind of time consuming in the beginning planning process. (And, no, I’m still not 100% certain how this all ended up happening at once.) This has become an amazing opportunity that allows me and a group of people to truly make a difference in other people’s lives as well as our own and I’m so excited about the direction it is going.

February also includes seeing a dear friend in one of my favorite musicals, the birthday of a beautiful little girl, whom I adore, that must be showered with birthday excitement, a women’s retreat at my home church that I am beyond excited about, and to top it off a trip to Dallas with one of my most favorite people for the Jordan Knight solo show (because if you couldn’t tell at the beginning of this I am having some NKOTB withdrawals lately).

So all in all February is a really busy month for me. If I had been put in a relationship at this point the person I was with would probably be feeling abandoned or I would be focused on them and not all the other things I need to do. That’s kind of how my life has been these days. It’s not that I don’t want to be with someone; it’s that simply this is not the season for that.

I don’t know how long this season of my life is going to last. Maybe it will be that mystery date in July or maybe it will be sooner than that, but if it happens to be longer than that, then that’s okay too.

For the last few months I have been toying around with the idea of finishing my LPC (license professional counseling) classes. The class I just finished up sealed the deal on that. Basically I’m signing myself up for another year and a half or so of school, but I’m okay with that. I truly feel like it is the place that I’m supposed to be in this season of my life. I’m not really sure what this means in the long run of my life, but I feel certain that I’m going in the right direction and certain things that I thought would be happening right now are on hold for a reason, though I don’t know that reason yet. I figure at some point it will all make sense, why I have shifted my passion around, or put a major passion on hold for a little while.

For the time being, I am enjoying the fact that if I want to lock myself in my room and watch Dawson’s Creek for hours I can. If I want to hop on a plane to NYC I can. I am going to enjoy that I can do whatever I want at this point in my life. I fully believe that in the right time I will get all the things that my heart desires, but I fully believe that this is not the right time. I would rather enjoy my life now, single, than push for a relationship that isn’t right and end up more miserable in the end.

For the first time in a long time I am really, truly happy (albeit very busy and slightly stressed, but happy) and content with where I am. I would rather have a million Valentine’s Days alone than be in an unhealthy relationship again. All the things I have learned will go with me into my next relationship, which I will allow to happen naturally and not push for or try to force. That’s just not the way this crazy life works. And if you have a problem with me being thirty and single and my life not matching how yours looks, then that's your problem, not mine, and it probably means there is something lacking in your own life. I encourage you to take a look and try to find the missing piece. It took me a long time to put all the pieces back together to become whole and I’m glad I took that time because I would not trade it for anything.

So happy Valentine’s Day to all (and especially to Donnie Wahlberg…I’ll be here patiently waiting… ;))

Restless

I realized today that I have become very, very restless. I also have realized that I missed two months this summer. I didn't get the pool opened until mid June because of the liner "issue" so I think that was the problem. I also kind of retreated to my little house for a few months and I keep thinking that it is June. Just today I was at a JL thing at the Baby Steps house and we had extra food, one of the girls said we could leave it for the staff to snack on next week and I said, out loud, "do they work in the summer?" Yeah it is August 27, and school is back in session. Good grief.

Back to the restlessness. I don't know what I am so antsy for, but I have just been ready. I have a tendency to live in the future and I'm afraid I am doing that again, what with my big plans for after graduation and all. I am trying to live in the moment, but it has been hard this summer because as busy as I was I didn't really have anything going on. I really just retreated into myself, which I think was a good thing and something I should do from time to time. Now as September approaches, however, everything is starting back. Today was Junior League new member orientation which kicks off the JL season and I know I'm about to be busy with that. School started Monday, though I only have one online class which will be a piece of cake. I'm having a little trouble getting my internship all lined out (which I have to do in the next week so I can get enrolled). Youth will start up again soon. Lots of other stuff is going on at CrossTimbers and that will take some time. Football is a week away.

I know that I am going to blink and it will be June. That equally excites me and terrifies me.

I know that very soon everything is going to change and all the signs are pointing the exact direction of this change, which is really, really exciting. I am going to enjoy the next nine and a half months like they could be my last, because they could be, or at least the last as far as I know it.

Insanity, Toxicity and Positivity

I kind of think I've been avoiding the blog for the past week. It's funny how life can change in a week, isn't it? Right at a week ago my wonderful best friend and I got a wild hair to take a road trip, which we didn't end up getting to go on, but it put some crazy ideas in my head.

That night through the power of youtube I'm pretty sure I totally lost my mind (if you follow me on twitter you'll understand, if not, oh well :)). Then I heard a song that quite possibly changed my entire life. I know it sounds insane that a song can change your life, but it did (well the combination of the song and a crazy, secret plan that we are working on).

I woke up Friday morning in the BEST mood. It was like a different person waking up. I had made the decision that all the negativity in the world was not going to get to me and everything in my life was going to be positive. I'm about to have a big birthday and the upcoming year is going to be amazing (more on that later). I was on fire that morning. That special song was what woke me up and I was good to go for the day.

I had run through McDonald's to grab some oatmeal and it happened: my car DIED. I mean, a sad, sad death, right at the pick up window. I had to be pushed out of the way. I ended up making it about five more blocks (trying to get to my office) and then it was done. I called Becky bawling. I was so frustrated. I had started the day so positively and was determined to come through on this plan (which is a long term one and something like this happening on day one was not ideal). She, her husband and boys came and rescued me. Daniel looked at the car, Becky calmed me down.

The diagnosis was a bad intake gasket (whatever that is). Becky called and had AutoZone put one on hold for me. We got the car moved to a safer spot. She called her brother to see if he could fix it for me. Overall I am fairly certain I found my guardian angel in Becky. I spent the rest of the afternoon with them.

That afternoon she dropped me off with Haley, where I proceeded to burst out crying again. It seemed like all the insecurity that I tend to harbor came out in a flood of tears. Haley, being as wonderful as she is, told me I was insane for everything I was saying even though I felt like I had plenty of evidence to back up every single thing I was saying.

Haley and I ended up going to the casino with her grandparents, which was a blast. I stayed at Haley's that night (which was already planned, as her roommates were all out of town) and we made CDs and watched Harry Potter 6 (okay we tried to watch it, but both fell asleep). We slept in the next morning and then watched HP6 for real. Then I introduced her to Genghis Grill and we watched another movie and dealt with a police officer over a parking "issue" (that's another story altogether).

She dropped me off at home and I vacuumed the very, very algaed pool (though I did learn that if you play fun music vacuuming the pool is immensely more entertaining and a lot less work). I had another algae issue and thought I would need Banish, so I threw in four bags of shock, and you know what? In two days all the algae was gone, maybe I do know what I'm doing.

I texted Chris that night to see if the youth were still going to swim on Sunday and about my lack of car issue. Again, I cried my eyes out and repeated all the insecurity from the previous day. Again, I was told that I was basically crazy.

The next day Chris picked me up for church. Michelle and the boys took me home. Becky and crew came over to swim and bring my car. Her brother came over and got it almost fixed, just a few more hours needed the next day. I called Haley and had her come get me to get food because I hadn't eaten since breakfast and had nothing in the house.

I had another "test" that night that I'm pretty sure I, again, passed with flying colors. I am still on total track as where I started on Friday morning. I got my car back at lunch on Monday, so I have wheels again.

What I learned from this weekend of tests is that I have the most amazing friends. They are there for me when I need them and sometimes entertain my delusions. They help me when I don't know how to ask for help. I can count at least 10 of these amazing friends. I think I'm lucky for that number. I don't think the rest of the world has that many. Real, honest, true friends that are really going to drop everything to help you when you need help, who will hand you a tissue as you are crying, who will tell you you're crazy when you don't think you're good enough, who will be family when you need one.

While I was thinking about this amazing group I couldn't help but think of another group of friends that I have: the toxic ones. The ones that do not bring out the best in me, the ones that are not there for me when I need them, the ones that I give and give and give to and yet they are not there when I need them and that would never think that they should be: the selfish friends that are more consumed with themselves than they would ever be with anyone else.

Now I said that I am about positivity now, and I am. That last paragraph was kind of negative. I think that it is important to isolate the negative so that it can be vanquished from our lives. I have a tendency to think very negatively, which is something I am consciously trying to change and I can't have negative forces pulling at me. I know there will always be negativity, but if I can intentionally eliminate what I can then that is my choice.

Starting July 21 I am trying my best to be positive and being the best me that I can be. The ways that I am going to accomplish that will come out in due time, but for now, just know if you are a negative force you better buck up and get happy or I have no time for you. :)

Faith

As a general rule I don't go too far into Christianity on my blog. I could probably name 100 reasons why (which I won't right now). I am a Christian and that is a fact that I am proud of. I am very sure in my faith, even if I don't spout out verses on facebook every day (not that there is anything wrong with that, just not my style). I am very active with my church (CrossTimbers UMC, you should come try it because it really is the best!). I will probably be the first to invite you to church because I really think it is that great (because it is).

I did not grow up going to church besides the occasional visit on Easter or with a friend, VBS at a few churches most summers and two trips to Falls Creek. It wasn't until my senior year of high school when I went with my two best friends on a random Sunday (and I'm pretty sure it was because two of the three of us felt guilty for something). After church we had lunch at El Chico and ran into our music teacher (my, now, dear friend Lisa) and she said we should come to youth choir at the Methodist church (Crystal regularly went and Heather and I are not going to be winning any talent shows with our singing ability). We went, then we went to youth afterwards. I had been to youth there a few times with Crystal, whose early high school boyfriend was a member. Clearly I loved youth choir because it was Lisa and it never failed, any time I showed up at youth it was some super serious event usually involving the lights being off and candles. That night was the exact same, specifically a feet washing thing. I spent the evening in a room with one of my childhood guy friends talking about God and life and faith and stuff. We were seventeen.

From that night I went to choir and youth every week (if we had perfect choir attendance we were going to see Jekyll and Hyde in Dallas two months later!). We had our first performance at church a few weeks later. We sang a song called "Beyond the Open Door." Until I got to this point in the post I had not heard that song since that day, but I wanted to include a video, so I looked it up and through the marvel that is the internet found it and listened to it again and it was a really, really, really, really fitting song to be the first song I sang in church.

We stayed for most of the service before heading out to Crystal's church. I really enjoyed the service. Kind of surprising for someone who didn't go to church. So the next week instead of going with Heather and Crystal to the Baptist church I went to Sunday school and church at the Methodist church. Don't get me wrong I had a ton of friends there and was making more every week, so it wasn't the craziest thing ever and my friend Katy's dad was the pastor. On the sign in book it asks if you are interested in becoming a member and one week I checked yes. I got a call from the associate pastor and little did I know everything was all kinds of set up for me to join! Before the conversation was over I learned that Katy had already offered to sponsor me! I think it was the next week I joined the church and was baptized (by sprinkling, because one of my issues with the Baptist church my whole life was the submersion process in baptism...it scared the living daylights out of me and I wanted nothing to do with it. To be honest it still freaks me out to think about).

So now I was a full blown Methodist. The summer was spent with all my new (and old) friends at FUMC Ardmore, then going to Chrysalis (which is a story for another post) and some stuff after that and then I headed to college. It was a given that I would go to the Wesley Foundation (United Methodist student center) and I did. I made a lot of friends and got involved very quickly in a Christian sorority, two Bible studies, the freshman group and freshman leadership.

I won't go into all the memories and events from Wesley. There were a lot of friends made and even more lessons learned. I graduated college in 2004 and didn't really have a church home. I had on and off gone with my friend Sarah to a new church in Norman, but it didn't completely stick. In September I started dating a guy at home, so I was all about going home to church any time I could. I love my home church and I still do. The friends that I had in youth morphed into adult friends and I loved seeing them every week. Most were in the choir and I enjoyed going to performances and was very sad that I was in Norman and they were in Ardmore. It was this amazing little group and I so wanted to be a part of it full time and not just part time. At that moment in time I truly thought that I would marry this guy and life would be complete, with me in Ardmore and being a part of that group.

God had other plans. Some stuff happened within that group of friends and then we broke up, again, in May and I started dating someone else, in Norman. When that happened I wanted nothing to do with Ardmore. All the activities that the ex and I had shared interest in were immediately out of my life. I wanted nothing to do with them. I wanted to start this new life in Norman, where I knew my home would be.

My boyfriend and I tried to find a church. We would get into a church mood and try to find something that we agreed on (he was Baptist, me Methodist), but it would last a few weeks and we would stop going for this reason or that reason. I tried, a lot, but nothing ever stuck. That was the first year. Another problem is that I am stubborn. I wanted to go to a Methodist church because I love it. I love the doctrine and the way the conference is set up and the camps and the liturgy and the hymns and everything about it. Hindsight is 20/20 and I probably should have been a little more open minded, but I wasn't.

After we got engaged I met this very nice girl at work and asked why she had moved to Norman (Moore) from Tishomingo. She explained that her husband was asked to start a church, a United Methodist church. Well hot dog! Here was something that we could be a part of from the beginning. Apparently my stubbornness had rubbed off on the fiance and he wasn't having it, however I ended up on the mailing list for "new Moore church" (which is what CrossTimbers was before it was CrossTimbers). Jennifer had applied for several jobs and was offered one a few weeks into her job with me that worked better with her desire to get her Masters, so she left. We were friends on facebook though so we kept in contact, plus I was getting all the church emails.

The next six months were not the best of my life, but they are a very important part of it. If you have been reading my blog for any time you know that we broke up 41 days before the wedding, leaving me sad and broken. At some point during that six months I had watched Fireproof (Christian movie with Kirk Cameron and really bad acting, but a really good story). In the movie the premise is based on a relationship that is in crisis and likely to end in divorce. The main character is challenged to do the Love Dare, a relationship exercise that lasts 40 days and is based on 1 Corinthians 13.

When I woke up the morning after the break up I just KNEW that God wanted me to do the Love Dare. After all it was exactly 40 days until the wedding, so it made perfect sense. I knew that God was a key component that was missing from that relationship and I figured this was His way of telling me that and showing me how to fix it (oh and I am a fixer). So I started it. What came out of it was not us getting back together, but a huge change in me.

Shortly after the break up I messaged Jennifer with what had happened and asking if CrossTimbers (had a name by then!) had anything going on. There was one small group meeting and it wasn't anything I was interested in (again, hindsight is 20/20 and I SO should have jumped on board that one, but oh well, I still needed some time and to learn a few lessons). That was the middle of May. The first Sunday in August was my birthday and it was not a good day, at all. It also happened to be the second to last Sunday that CrossTimbers was meeting in the school where they had been conducting services. They had a building! She invited me to the last Sunday.

The day before that last Sunday the women's group, Breathe, was meeting. Some stuff happened that day that signaled I needed a change. We were supposed to RSVP to the pastor, so I did. Now this is a HUGE thing for me. I HATE calling people. And I really hate calling people I don't know. I don't really like talking on the phone to people I do know. So I called Chris, who probably thought I was nuts at the moment, and who told Jennifer that her friend Wendy from her first Norman job was coming to Breathe that night.

The plan was to make tshirts at one of the girl's houses. Dinner was provided, but we were asked to bring dessert. I whipped up some no bake cookies, because really who doesn't like them? I found the house and drove around until I saw Jennifer's car pull up (I also hate going in places where I don't know people). I met Jennifer in the yard and walked in with her. Well it turns out that I loved the girls. The guys met up with us at the end of the night and they seemed okay too.

The next morning I walked into the school, in a dress, and sat down next to one of the girls I met the night before, whose husband played the drums. Then in walked Valerie and Ashley (JJ's parents) and they came and sat with me. If you ever need someone to make new people feel welcome Valerie is the person. She just loves making new friends. I looked around and noticed I was pretty much the only one in a dress (except, thank God, for Brittany). Then the music started. I have already mentioned drums, there were also electric guitars, not an organ in sight. A bit about me, at that moment, I was NOT a fan of contemporary worship. I like it, but NOT for Sunday morning. Clearly I couldn't just get up and walk out and I was so disappointed because I really liked all the girls I met the night before. I was in a pickle. I just didn't think I could handle this contemporary church, what to do, what to do?

Then Chris did his sermon. It was the second Sunday of the text message sermon series. We got our phones out and looked though our texts and what they said about us and who we were talking to. Well if THAT didn't make me question things then I don't know what would (some of the people I was talking to at the time I should NOT have been talking to). I was so intrigued by his sermon. At the end of service I told Jennifer that exact thing: that at the beginning I didn't think there was any way I could handle contemporary and I fully planned to thank them for their time and never walk back through the doors, but then Chris did his sermon and I was hooked.

If you want to hear what I really thought check out this video from Annual Conference 2010.

When a church meets in a school it means that everything starts in a couple of trailers, is unloaded each Sunday morning, set up, then torn down, and put back in the trailers. Well this Sunday was different because it was going to be torn down, loaded up and then taken to the new building. I didn't have anything better to do so I helped them load up and move to the new building. On my way over I called my friend Mary and told her that I had gone to this new church and I really liked it, but I wasn't going to get super, over involved (because I have a tendency to do that).

I helped unload and was pretty excited about the next Sunday. So....I wasn't going to get over involved? Sunday number two of Wendy at CrossTimbers I talked to Jennifer about starting a prayer card ministry (something my friends and I did at Wesley in college).

Yeah you can pretty much say that was history. I didn't have a prayer of not getting super, over involved. It's just who I am. Oh well. When it comes down to it I do love it. It is very rare for a sermon to be preached that doesn't hit me in some way. I can't count how many times I left church thinking about a sermon and driving and bawling for hours after. Or crying through a song during communion. There is something very, very special about that place. I love the people and the service (I got over my hatred of contemporary service and you can read about that here) and absolutely everything about it. It is an amazing community of amazing people, most of whom are family now. I know that if something happens in the middle of the night I can call Chris bawling and he will be there (though I generally schedule my meltdowns a bit better than that ;)). I have people that call just to check on me and worry about me. I have amazing people that have let me into their families when I really need that.

We come together in joy celebrating weddings and new babies. We are there for each other when things aren't going so well. We come together to support each other. We are learning and growing with this little church.

Today I got a call that rocked my world. It left me in shock and sadness. It is the kind of thing that makes you really question what on earth God is thinking. Yesterday I was struck with the sadness of poor little Jamesie and this one isn't any better. It is another child taken entirely too early.

Through the last two years I have grown immensely in my faith. I may have questioned God's intentions when my wedding was cancelled, but I am completely confident that it was the right thing. I know that everything had to happen exactly the way that it did in order to get me to my ultimate calling. I know my purpose in life. I know what I am meant to do. I am only 29 (at least for a few more weeks) and I know exactly what I was put on this earth to do. If everything hadn't happened the exact way that it did then I wouldn't be here.

I know that these two families that are grieving right now will eventually understand God's plan and why it had to happen the way that it did. I know that and I fully believe that. But even as strong as I am and as much faith as I have I don't understand this. I don't understand why people get so sick and I really don't understand when they are just innocent children. I don't get it. I probably never will. My heart absolutely aches for these families. I don't have any comprehension of how they are handling things right now because it is so far outside of my realm of reality.

Yesterday my sweet friend Karen Chaffin (an Ardmore FUMC friend and mom of two of my high school friends) posted this on her facebook:

I've never forgotten being told that God doesn't give you the ticket for the train until it's time to take a ride. Grace is given as grace is needed. Lysa TerKeurst posted: I am not equipped to handle what others have—both good and bad. I am, on the other hand, completely equipped to handle what I’ve been given. And the more time I spend being thankful for my life, the less I look around wishing for something else.

I cannot imagine a post that could be any more true for what I am feeling right now. I cannot imagine going through the things that these families are going through and I pray that I will never have to, I'm strong, but I don't think there is any way I could ever be that strong. I am aching for people that I don't know and for events that did not directly affect me and I am handling it horribly.

When I have to step up to do things in these situations it is very rare for anyone to see how it is affecting me. I don't cry at funerals. I am the strong one. I have been known to tell people that if they need someone to go to a funeral with them then call me. Death doesn't bother me. Well it bothers me, of course, but I can handle it very well. I have always understood death. Long before developmentally and psychologically I was supposed to. That's how I've always been. Need a meal? I'll cook it. Need a lunch planned? I'm your girl. Need someone to hold your hand while you cry? That's me. I am afraid my track record for this is about to be broken. Honestly I don't know what is going to happen in the next few weeks and I don't know how I will handle it. I fully believe God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle (though sometimes I really wish He didn't trust me so much), but this may be a true test to my faith and my ability to keep it together.

Please say a prayer for these two sweet families. I apologize for not giving details, but it is not my place to do so at this time. You can say a prayer and I promise God knows all the details. Selfishly I also ask that you say a prayer for me in some situations that I will face over the next few weeks. Pray that I am able to be strong for the people that need me.

I just read the most recent post on Jamesie's blog and cannot stop crying. I cannot imagine what they are going through. I can literally feel my heart breaking for them. I want to feel lucky for everything I have in my life, but I am so overcome with emotion for the people that I know are hurting right now that even that is hard to do. Usually when I write it is to release emotion and when I go back and read it I can see how far I have come and it makes me happy. This post is different. This one is full of grief and sadness and emotions that I don't even really understand. I pray for a miracle. That is still possible for one family. Medical science says it is impossible, but nothing is impossible with God. For the other family I pray for peace and healing. I pray that all that know or have been touched by both situations will know peace and comfort. I'm not really to a stopping point, but it is getting very hard to see the computer screen through the tears, so I will end with this:

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

~Hebrews 11:1

Lucky

Though my life is not where I expected it to be a few years back today was one of those days when you realize just exactly how lucky you are.

The day didn't start off perfectly. I was awoken to hammering coming from my neighbors to the north. Apparently today was the day they were getting their new room from the storm a few weeks ago. Perfect would have been sleeping in without the need for a dose of benedryl and a set of earplugs. Luckily that did the trick until my phone vibrated around noon. (Do NOT judge. I don't have kids and until I do I am banking as many hours of sleep as possible). I realized that Miss Haley had called and then texted (the texting is what vibrated the phone). I called her back and ended up heading to her house to get lunch and veg out.

We spent the afternoon chatting, eating Chipotle, drinking Sonic drinks and watching Harry Potter. It was a nice relaxing afternoon. After that I came home and wrapped Mr. JJ's birthday present, did a little reading in the pool and headed to the birthday party.

It was a nice little party in which the little man got spoiled ROTTEN! (As he should be!) When it was time for cake we sang Happy Birthday to him:

Then they tried the traditional first birthday smash cake routine and JJ was NOT having it:

Then it was time for some swimming (aka cleaning off!). That part he was much happier with:

He likes splashing! He played in the little pool for awhile and then got in the big pool with dad and then mom. Eventually they all got out and JJ was toddling around and then he got handed off to me. We sat and played with a cup with Christina for a little while and I was just sitting playing with his hair. Like most of the males in the world this completely relaxed him and the next thing I knew he was sound asleep. I got to sit with this adorable little guy crashed out on my lap for about an hour.

As I held JJ I just looked around at this party. His parents were there, Chris and Jennifer and their girls were there, Christina and Liberty were there, Michelle and (part of) her boys were there, Jason had been there. I was surrounded by all these people that I love more than anything.

Then I realized just how lucky I am.

I have amazing people that two short years ago I didn't know. I have all these kids in my life that I love more than the world and I am honored to be a part of their lives and will continue to be. There were some friends that weren't there, but I feel the same way about them.

I might not be where I wanted to be a few years ago, but I'm in a really good place. My time will come to have kids and when I do all of these people will be there. All of these little ones will be big brothers and big sisters to my kids. They will be the ones that watch out for my kids when they are little. They are the ones that will chase the boys off or teach the basics of makeup and current style if I have a daughter and the ones that will teach them to play sports and how to treat a girl if I have a son. They will be an extended family and the cousins that my kids would never have on my side of the family.

My time will come to be a mom. There are things that I need to do before I meet the man of my dreams, fall in love, get married and have a baby and I know that. In the mean time I am so lucky to have all the people I have in my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything. And I am loving every minute of being Aunt Wennie to a bunch of pretty awesome kids.

Technicolor

Yesterday Chris continued his series on facebook with a sermon entitled "status update." The general gist of the sermon was that words have great power and we have the choice to use those words for good or for evil and that what we say shows who we are and what we believe in

In an interesting turn of events I was faced with a real life scenario illustrating his point last night. There was a huge misunderstanding regarding the acquisition of some property. Due to this misunderstanding a "friend" on facebook took the situation incredibly wrong and posted a slanderous facebook post about me. There was no doubt in my mind who it was about. (It was pretty obvious and left little to the imagination)

At that moment, in seeing the conduct of this person, I made the conscious choice to remove them from my "friend" list on facebook, as well as the others involved in the situation. To be quite honest this is something I should have done months ago because these people are not my friends, however I don't generally remove people from facebook; the situation must be pretty severe for me to resort to that. In this particular circumstance I felt it was severe enough for me to "unfriend" this group of people.

This was not done out of spite. It was due to the fact that I do not wish to be associated with individuals that would use words in a such a hateful manner. I will be the first to admit that I am guilty of gossiping when I shouldn't, however to blatantly slander another individual in such a public forum is beyond ridiculous and out of my realm of comprehension.

I find it so interesting when Chris' sermons align so well with real life. I think it is important not only to watch how we personally use words, but also to watch those people that we associate with and who we consider to be our friends.

The people that you surround yourself with are the people that others will consider you to resemble.

Personally I do not wish to be associated with people who cannot act like adults when they are in fact, at least chronologically, adults.

Rather than condemning these people I will say a prayer for them.

• I pray that they find some peace in their life, for it seems to me that they are lacking some peace.
• I pray that they find happiness in themselves, for it seems to me that they are lacking happiness.
• I pray that they find contentment in their life, for it seems to me that they are lacking contentment.

I leave you with a quote:

Show class, have pride, and display character. If you do, winning takes care of itself. ~"Bear" Bryant, University of Alabama football coach

Right Where I Belong

For those of you that have been around me the last few months they haven't been, well, great. I have not been happy in Norman. Of all places I was happiest when I was in Ardmore. I loved being in Tulsa when I was there for two weekends for class. Norman just has not been cutting it.

The last few days have been really bad. When I am in Norman my life is very structured (example, today: drinks after work, Maundy Thursday service, Stella and Dot/31 party, movie at Travis'). It's like this most every day. I thought when my Research class was over I would slow down and have evenings free. What was I thinking? I don't seem to remember what free time is or how to get it (people keep saying it is by saying this word that is foreign to me: no).

I also have not felt like I was fitting into my own life very well. I am involved in all kinds of things (work, school, Junior League, church) and I just didn't feel like I fit. Granted there were a lot of other things in my life falling down around me and I allowed certain people to get the better of me, when I shouldn't have because they are not worth my time and energy.

Though certain aspects of my life haven't really gotten much better I have learned (or been reminded of) a few things this week:

• I have amazing friends that love me just the way that I am
• I am smart and other people recognize that (one of my classmates, who I don't really know, emailed me her paper for our Research class for me to check over for her)
• I have a lot to offer the world
• I have a lot of good ideas
• People talk about my drive and ambition behind my back (which is a good thing)
• I am a social butterfly
• I have two of the most amazing friends a girl could ask for that form the standard "we" in my life these days
• I make friends easily and it is awesome when new friends call you up to go out randomly
• I probably take for granted the people in my life that I have acquired in the last two years, but when you look back and count them I can't imagine my life without them
• I am on the verge of doing great things
• I think I may have found my, selfish, way to make an impact
• I am constantly finding people that want to help with my non profit and who encourage me to keep going even when I feel like giving up
• I have an amazing church family that I wouldn't trade for anything
• I made an A in my Research class (it was touch and go I thought, though I thought I bombed my last test and got a 93 on it, so not too bad)
• I am done with two out of three classes for the semester and only have three assignments to go in the third
• I have a boss that really, truly cares about me and my well being (and who I can go into her office crying and she hugs me and tells me it's going to be okay and it's fine not to be perfect)
• I know there are genuinely good people in the world that believe the same things I do and I am glad to have found another one of those tonight
• I have friends who will let me cry, but tell me I'm ridiculous for the reason I'm crying and tell me I'm amazing

All of that being said I am tired. Unfortunately it seems when I get to the point of complete mental exhaustion it seems that I take on a new project or two (yeah that's the case this time too). Some times I feel like I am starting to get a handle on things and then something else falls apart (read: pool). I am thankful to have a wonderful group of women in my life, most of whom I am still getting to know, that always seem to put a smile on my face when I am around them (and I have really needed that the last two days).

Overall, even with all the stress life is good right now. I think I am just in a juggling phase. Two years ago I was left with no social life besides a few (wonderful) friends that stuck by me when I gave everything up to be in a relationship. I think I have over stimulated myself to make up for those years. The problem is that I have thrown myself into a lot of things that I am very passionate about and that I want to do. Luckily some of those things are temporary (read: school, only 6 hours of class and 6 hours of internship and I'm DONE) and those that are true passions are going to become more and more prevalent in my life. We shall see where the road takes me, but for now I'm pretty sure I am right where I belong.

NOTE: if you would like to donate to the "Save the Pool" fund just let me know. There may be details on what happened to the pool if I can ever say or type it without crying.

Full

This weekend I realized just how full my life is; and I don't mean in the busy way (though it certainly is that!). I mean full in the rich, fulfilling, wonderful way. I love my life right now! I have surrounded myself with amazing friends that are more like family. They encourage and support me. I got to spend the weekend with some newer friends, some old friends, some young and some old. There is nothing more heart warming than being around people that you genuinely enjoy. I am blessed to be Aunt Wennie to some amazing kiddos. I am surrounded by an amazing church family. I help with the best youth group (yeah I think you guys rock even if I give you a hard time!). I am blessed to know exactly what I am meant to do with my life and am so excited to start. I see nothing but amazing possibilities in the future, but I am also enjoying everything that is going on right now (though I am ready for this semester to be over!). Overall I am just excited to be where I am. :)

Thirty in Thirty: Nine

Okay I can't find a quote, so we'll just say this:

Everything happens for a reason.

I truly think God put this person in this job for a short period of time solely for the reason of me meeting her.

In 2008 I was engaged and planning a wedding and not going to church. There was a new girl at work and I actually had time to sit down and do my whole new worker training. Through some crazy reason that I still don't know we somehow got on the subject of church. Probably I had asked how she ended up working there, and she said she had just moved because her husband was asked to start a church.

Not only was he asked to start a church, he was asked to start a United Methodist church. Hmmmmm I thought this could be a good thing. Well she ended up working with me for two weeks I think and she was off to a better job opportunity for her. In the meantime, though, we'd hit it off and I ended up on the email list for this new church (which didn't have a name at the time). They were having an event to kind of recruit people for the church and I tried to talk the fiance into going, which didn't work.

I was still on the mailing this through the decision process of the name, through the logo choice, and through the first service, in a school gym. That was April. We broke up in May. When we did I knew that church was one thing that I needed back in my life. I messaged her on facebook and told her this, but I still didn't get the courage to go. Then on my birthday she posted a happy birthday post on my wall and said I should come the next Sunday because it would be the last week in the school, they had a building. I stewed it over that week.

On August 8, 2009, a Saturday, the women's group was meeting to have dinner and make shirts. Somewhere that day I decided that it was time for life to change, so I made the call and said I was coming.

And I am so glad that I did! I met the girls and liked them immediately. I knew that it would be easier to go to "church" if I knew more than just my only friend, which was right. The next morning I walked into the school and realized that it was contemporary worship. Arg. I don't like contemporary. That really sucked because I really liked the girls I had met the night before. I "suffered" through the first few songs and we got to the sermon. That was all it took, I was hooked!

I had told my best friend that I was not going to get over involved. She said, "uh huh, okay," knowing that there was no way that was going to happen. I ended up helping, on my first Sunday, the church move into the new building. I was still resolved not to get over involved though.

By the second Sunday I was suggesting we start a prayer card ministry.

The rest, as they say, is history. I truly think that she was sent to my job for those two weeks just to get me to CrossTimbers. I am truly thankful for that. And I'm thankful that I'm nosey and always ask how people end up where they are! :)

Thirty in Thirty: Four

Finally caught up!

Greet Rufus, whom the Lord picked out to be his very own; and also his dear mother, who has been a mother to me. Romans 16:13

This verse was part of the Mother's Day sermon at CrossTimbers. The general idea of the sermon was that just because someone is not you ACTUAL mother doesn't mean that they can't be a mother to you.

I wasn't sure how Mother's Day was going to feel to me this year. Had you asked me the year before I would have said that come Mother's Day 2009 I would be married and proudly have a newborn to show off. God did not see the plan quite like I did. I so hate when He thinks He knows better than I do! (A smidge of sarcasm; I am quite glad that what I think should work out doesn't always!) May 2009 came off of some pretty hard times in my life (Check out Day Ten for more on that) and not being a mom was on the top of the list. How was I going to feel? How would others around me make me feel? Would I be sad? Would I still be thrilled with where my life was going? I didn't know.

Then I heard the sermon. It could not have been more perfect. I have the tendency to be very nurturing and I pride myself with "my kids." I have a bunch of them. I have not given birth to a child yet, but I have about 20 that if they ever decided to run away from home I would take in a heartbeat.

After the sermon portraits were taken and the request was: take a portrait with your mother, take a portrait for your mother, take a portrait with someone that is like your mother...


One of "my" kids came up to me and said "Wendy, will you take a picture with me because you're like my second mom?" After I composed myself and kept myself from crying I said, of course. I was so touched by that!

And what an awesome "son" I have! He is a mess and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I would like to give credit to his mother for raising such an amazing young man. He is12 and in the seventh grade. He is quite the cute kiddo: blond hair, blue eyes, tall and athletic. He is blond though, God love him, he is a bit ditsy! And slightly accident prone: three trips to the ER in a month during football season. Though he only got to play two games I have to mention his athletic talent. This summer he went to the Josh Heupel football came and got chosen by a scout to be sponsored for camp next year and they are going to follow his career! (Did I mention he's 12???)

He is one of the most kind, caring, compassionate kids I have ever met. He is the kid that is going to go talk to that kid that no one else will talk to, the one without any other friends, that may not be as smart, or as pretty, or as athletic, or as popular. He will always be there to help out his friends. He loves his mom more than anything and isn't afraid to show it (we'll see how that goes in about four years!). He is just overall a great kid. I am blessed to be a part of his life and am blessed that he is a part of mine.

No matter what I was afraid I might be feeling on Mother's Day I didn't have to worry about it because of him. He was placed in my life at just the right time and will be there for many, many more years!

Don't Trust Technology

Daylight Savings Time did not end today. At least for everyone in the country besides me that is.

I woke up this morning at 9:00 am, which was really early considering I did not get into bed until around 1:45 am after the football game last night. I didn't think much about waking up and rolled back over for another hour before my alarm went off at 10:00 am for church. I got up, showered, did my makeup, got dressed, normal Sunday morning things, feeling very awake, considering the amount of sleep I got.

I got in the car at 10:45, but noticed the clock in my car said 11:45. Hmmm...that's odd. I turned on the radio and Ryan Secreast was on the number 3 song (I couldn't remember if this was strange or not because I know I hear the top three on my way to church every Sunday, but apparently it is usually the country countdown). I called my mom, who answered the phone "aren't you supposed to be in church?" I asked what time it was, she said 11:45!

My phone (or the time service it gets) got the Daylight Savings Time ending memo a week too early! Keep in mind last year on Halloween weekend it was DST, but not this year! Around 11:58 (normal standard time) my clock switched back to normal. When I got to church I did manage to show three people so they didn't think I was totally crazy!

Good grief...

Day Ten

Ten Days: Day Ten: One Confession

Hmmm...what to confess? There could be my undying love for...













um, nope. Or I could confess that I cheated on...











don't think so!

Instead a little more about me.

For years and years I proclaimed that I wanted a "normal" life: one husband, one wife, two children (a boy, then two years later a girl) with matching initials both born before my thirtieth birthday. I wanted to be a stay at home mom; I wanted a husband who would work and make all the money that we needed to live in our perfect 2600 square foot home, complete with a formal dining room and a swimming pool (with perfect landscaping). I did not want anything that could be considered "odd" or "strange" by my children's friends or anything that they would have to explain. One job per adult (mine, of course, would allow me to work at home and just make "play" money). I wanted this for a long time.

This life was the stark contrast to the one I grew up in. My parents were 36 and 39 when I was born. My mom worked outside the home, my dad was self employed (with about 15 businesses running through the house). We went on business trips all the time and I missed a lot of "normal" kid things (Homecoming namely). Not to mention I had to explain all the "cowboy" stuff (I will not do this here, sorry!).

Needless to say, personality wise, I am about a 180 from my parents. I always have been and probably always will be. I yearned for the lives that my friends have: the "status quo."

John Lennon said: Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans. That quote completely describes my life!

For starters I did not meet my husband-to-be in college and did not get married the summer after graduation and did not start having babies in the amount of time deemed appropriate. Instead I started a job, that I didn't love, but ended up meeting wonderful people. I dated a guy: FAIL. I dated another guy and fell in love. We broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together, got a dog, broke up, got back together, bought a house, got another dog, got another dog, got ANOTHER dog, got engaged, bought another house, planned a wedding, and forty-one days before he called it off.

Um...where do I go from here?

My whole perfect house (almost the size I wanted, but no formal dining room, but with the pool!), two children, stay-at-home mom dream was dashed. Here I was 27, approaching 28, and back at square one. I was devastated to say the least. There were days that I just prayed and prayed that we would get back together and all would work out like my plan. In the end that was not the plan for me.

I found a great church a few months later, found wonderful friends, all was perfect again. I was single, but I was okay with that. I healed from the relationship. Then, all of a sudden, the sermons started to be about "taking risks" and "walking through open doors." ARG! Stupid challenges! I never met one that I didn't go for. I started, very lightly, thinking about grad school. It was a crazy idea. What would I do? What did I want to do? Where did I want my life to go? I had figured out, during this time, that I love people and I want to help people. I mentioned this to my wonderful best friend who used the lowest of the low argument for why I should go to grad school: what are you going to tell your daughter if you had the opportunity to go to grad school and didn't do it? REALLY??? Using my yet to be conceived child against me? Did it work? OF COURSE!

A short time later, there I was applying to OU, not really sure how I was going to pay for it, writing a personal statement, getting my three recommendations. My mom got the scholarship information from my tribe (the Chickasaw Nation...stop your laughing, I am 13/256 which, with a CDIB card, is the perfect amount to have grad school totally paid for!) I applied, and found out that I got in on a Thursday; the semester started the following Tuesday! I enrolled in what I could, got snowed in, slipped and slid to get books, got all my scholarship stuff turned in and was off on a new adventure!

In the meantime of all of this, all my wonderful new (and old) friends did the unthinkable: they all got pregnant. Seriously there must have been something in the water. This was HARD. I want to be a mom more than anything in the world and here was everyone around me, even those that weren't trying, getting what I wanted. Pretty much everywhere I went was hard to deal with. Watching them find out the sex, go register, have showers, prepare for labor, have the beautiful babies and get to be mommies; I'm not going to lie, I love them all, but there were moments (days, weeks) that I was not happy for them. I was angry. This was supposed to be MY time, and it wasn't.

Then I went to Austin.

I had a crush on a boy who liked indy music. (Oh yeah this was not a secret to anyone, though I'm not saying names!) My friend Lucy was going to South by Southwest (which I went to my last year in undergrad). It was the week of spring break and I had Friday off. I only had to take off one day and got to be gone for four days. I had been talking to a guy and realized that he was lonely and I enjoyed talking to him, however he just wanted to be with someone (or that was my perception of the situation). On the way to Austin this hit me. And I did not like it, one bit. I was better than being "insert girl here" into someones life.

That's when it hit me: I had concocted this amazing life and was just looking for "insert guy here." Uh oh. If I didn't want to be that person, why on earth would I want to be with someone who would settle being that person?

I also realized that I like the extraordinary! I don't want just a simple life! I want it to be fabulous and wonderful and I want people to look at my life and say "wow!" That is truly what I want. I want to make an impact. I want to change the world. I fought this for a long time. I kept pushing it out of my brain: this was NOT what was going to happen to me, I just want simple. Now, though, I have chosen to embrace it.

On that trip it was like a light went off. Here I was in Austin, which is such a fun city, part of the time I was with my friends, part of the time we went our separate ways to see different shows. I discovered some awesome bands, that I now love (check out 100 Monkeys, Carney, Lynhurst, and The Honey Brothers!). Most importantly, as I was driving around on Sunday, before I left, it just hit me: all of my friends are experiencing some awesome things right now (marriage, kids, etc.), but I get to experience all kinds of things right now too! I am getting to have amazing experiences and I get to be selfish for a little bit of my life. I put others first a lot and above myself a lot. I still have plenty of time to have all those things that my friends have.

The time will come for me to meet that special someone (or if I have already met him: when I figure out that he's who I'm supposed to marry) and get married and have babies. For awhile, post breakup, I thought that if by the time I turned 30 I was not in a committed relationship that would lead to marriage (starting to sound like If Lucy Fell? no the plan was not to jump off a bridge) I would just go it alone: pick out the perfect sperm donor and have a baby by myself. This whole blog thing actually changed that one: I read a blog that has a seemingly perfect husband and wife and an adorable daughter. Reading their blog, which I love to do, I see all the fun of having both parents and the baby and I think it is worth the wait!

In the meantime I am going to enjoy every day, for what it is, not as a stepping stone for what comes next. I will have all these amazing memories that I get to keep forever! I have amazing people that surround me and I always will. Some of the names and faces will change, but I choose to surround myself with the most extraordinary people!

This whole outlook was hammered home this summer when I met (finally) an amazing woman named Beth. I had heard about Beth for the last 20 years. My "adopted" grandparents when we were on the road were Teddie Jo and Charlie. Sadly, Charlie passed away last June. My mom and I went to Dallas for the funeral and at the lunch after we got to meet Beth. Beth dated their son, Blake, but they didn't exactly work out. Beth is now married, though she didn't get that way until later in life, has a beautiful son, and is happy as a lark as a stay-at-home mom. She lived her life and had all the experiences that I am having right now, then she got everything else she wanted (or that I assume she always wanted!). It was so encouraging hearing her tell me that I was on the right track! It was even more encouraging to see that she'd lived through all this and totally came out on top!

Okay, so that's Day Ten! The culmination of the Ten Day Challenge! It was a long one! What have I learned from this challenge?

I want to write! I mean I really do! I have already started outlining my first novel. I thank each of you that is reading this blog (and my current writing outlet) for all the encouraging words you have said about me having a talent to write. I know I don't have the best grammar in the world, but I have an amazing editor (who is having a baby girl tomorrow!) and I really, really love writing.

In the meantime of all of this I have also figured out that I DO NOT want to be a therapist! Great profession, totally think that, but I just don't feel that I would make the impact on the world that I want to. Hopefully I can take all the classes I need to prepare me to start a non profit in a year or so and can work it where I can have babies at work with me, surround myself with my friends who have the same passion that I do, and write!

Thank you to everyone who was mentioned in this blog, whether with or without names, you have truly impacted my life!

World Communion Sunday

Well it has been a minute since I blogged, huh? I have many, many posts that I will try to catch up with this week, but this one is pretty important, so we'll start with it. :)

Today is World Communion Sunday.

Basically throughout the world churches all celebrated the gift of communion. That is awesome! Even more awesome is that I got to serve today in worship! Now this isn't all that different than any other Sunday, as that's one of my "duties", "assignments", "random thing Chris talked me into doing without actually asking" at CrossTimbers. I LOVE communion, so this is one of my favorite tasks at CT.

We started a new sermon series this morning as well: Never the Same. Through it Chris is going to preach on the history of CT. CrossTimbers has had a HUGE impact on me over the last fourteen months, and even in the nine months before I got the courage to meet up with the women's group that first Saturday. Our "random act of kindness" for the week was to ask someone for their story. You know more than the "hi, how ya doin?" story; the real story of who they are and how they got here. If you go to CT I'm going to share mine, or a piece of mine, for you (I think you should still go out and ask someone else, but here is a "warm up" :))

For most people communion is pretty special, but through my spiritual walk it has always been a BIG deal. There are two main reasons:

The first has to do with watching the body of Christ as everyone walks through the line. (Sidebar, I hate making eye contact and generally speaking I don't do it, except during communion.) Watching everyone go through and accept this amazing gift of new life is just so special to me. For several years I forgot how much this meant to me. During the wedding planning phase I wanted to serve communion at my wedding, I always have, yet during that period in my life I did not feel worthy of it. I hadn't been in church, on a regular basis, in years and I think I wanted it so badly to prove something to God and to myself. I still want communion at my wedding, maybe more now than ever. I want the husband (whoever he may be) and I to serve everyone. I think this is an incredibly powerful way to have contact with every guest (you can bet I will be doing the bread and not the wine/grape juice, you know big white dress...uh no! I serve the bread each week now anyway since no one else seems to want to!) I feel beyond honored to get to server communion each Sunday. I love the feeling of seeing my church family go through the line and really seeing them. It is so incredibly powerful to watch Christ's love in each one of those wonderful people's eyes.

The second reason has to do with a pastor friend of mine making what seemed like a crazy suggestion my sophomore year of college. Brett Thomasson came and lead a class at the Wesley Foundation's leadership group about the sacraments. He told us about how he had a friend who gave up communion for Lent. Being my typical self I couldn't keep my mouth shut and proclaimed how stupid I thought this was. He looked at me point blank and said, each time that you take communion do you REALLY think about what it means? At WF we took communion every Tuesday and I had to admit it had become quite routine. I decided that the next year I would give up communion for Lent and just see what happened. Instead of taking it I sat in my chair and really thought about the meaning and prayed about it. I had NO idea what would happen next. During that Lenten season one of my very favorite people in the world lost his father to a courageous battle with lung cancer. During his battle my friends and I (the prayer card ministry of the WF) prayed and prayed for him and sent card after card. He would write us back and this man's faith was absolutely astounding. The funeral was to take place the first Saturday of Spring Break: smack dab in the middle of Lent. No big deal right? Yeah it was. I had never seen communion served at a funeral until that day. I sat in the pew wondering if it was right to "break" my Lenten promise for this. I don't think I really wrestled with it all that much to be honest; it really was a no brainer. I can still remember everything about taking communion that Saturday. The song that was playing was "I can only imagine" by MercyMe (Imagine happens to be my favorite word in the entire world). It was possibly the most meaningful experience of my life, or at least top ten. :) I am sure that had I not given it up for Lent that year it would have been just as special, but I think it was just enhanced that much more because of that promise I made. I guess sometimes breaking a promise is the best thing that can happen to you.

So happy World Communion Day to you all. If you haven't been to church in a while it might be the right time to try it again. (CrossTimbers worship is at 11:00 am every Sunday at 3004 S. Sunnylane in Moore :))