Sunday, July 10, 2011

These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes

I didn't go to bed until pretty late last night, for no real reason in particular. I was online talking to a few people and just didn't work up the motivation to get into my bed. When I did I was WIDE awake. My allergies have been bothering me for the past week so I took a couple of benedryl, which I knew would knock me out, and that it did. I was in a really deep sleep when my alarm went off for church. Usually I wake up a few times throughout the night, but not last night.

When the alarm when off I was startled by it because of the dream I was having. It was one of those dreams that you don't really want to wake up from and you hope and pray that you can hit the snooze button and go right back to it, however that never seems to happen. It was one of those dreams about someone from your past being in your present and you are both blissfully happy. It was one of those dreams that makes you happy and sad and frustrated all at the same time.

I was traveling to visit someone in this dream and was very excited about the trip. This was someone that I have loved for a very long time. In the dream we were very, very happy.

I am quite certain that my subconscious had this person in mind because I was telling a story about them yesterday, but that doesn't make it mess with me any less. I woke up kind of sad. I had been so happy in the dream, yet I knew there was no way this particular dream would ever come true. It just can't. There are too many complications and too many obstacles and too much compromise that would have to happen. There is passion and love, but just too much baggage.

It got me thinking, which is usually a bad thing, about love and relationships. I've been listening to the newest Glee soundtrack for the last week and there was an original song on the season finale called Pretending. The second verse goes like this:
how long do I fantasize
make believe that it’s still alive
imagine that I am good enough
and we can choose the ones we love
That last line gets to me. Can we really choose the ones we love? This is a pretty loaded question. If we make the conscious effort to fall in love with someone that means that every bad decision I've made in love in the past (and there are a lot of them) has been my fault. But what if we don't have any choice? It just happens. Does that make it better? Then I can think, well it's not really my fault.

Looking back at the guys I have been in love with, I think there have been three, did I choose to fall in love with them? Did I force it or did it just happen? I think I did choose with one and didn't with the other two, they just happened. Which is easier to get over? The choice we make or the decisions that fate throws at us? I would say the ones we choose are easier to recover from, but those that we don't really think about, the ones that just happen are the ones that stick with us and make the biggest impressions.

At the same time, looking at those three, was I ever REALLY in love with any of them? Was it real, true, honest love? Were they time fillers? Were they something to check off my to do list? Is there something special about the one that keeps popping up in my mind?

For a million and one reasons I know that things did not work out with anyone from my past. I am completely resolved to that twist in fate. I know that everything I have experienced, in love and life, has brought me here and will bring me to the person that I am meant to be with. I know that when I find that person it won't be as hard as some of the past relationships and it won't hurt as bad. I know there will be hard times and complications, but nothing like what I have faced in the past, because those were the wrong relationships for me and I know that.

I have lots of dreams: starting an amazing, life changing non profit, falling in love with my future husband and then falling in love with my children. I have a picture of how I want these things to happen. And I know, in my heart, that they have to happen in that order and they must all be intertwined. The details and timing remain a mystery at this time, but I know will be revealed to me at the perfect time.

I have full faith that when I meet the person I am supposed to fall in love with it will just happen. There won't be a choice. There won't be a question. It will be natural and perfect. I don't think we choose who we love, I think love chooses us. We can try to imagine it and picture it, but when it happens there is no list of characteristics that you are matched with based on compatibility, it just is what it is. There isn't a formula, just a nice twist in fate that puts you in the right place at the right time next to the right person.

There is something nice about dreaming. You can be taken to a completely different world and see how things could be. You can see what could work and what could not work. You can imagine up all kinds of stories that could possibly unfold in your life. You can take a different look at your past or a peek into your future. You can question the present and choose how you can act to change the future.

In the end I have total faith that all my dreams, the ones that are deep and true and closest to my heart, will come true. They may not match the vision I have in my head, but more than likely they will be even better than I could have ever imagined.
Some dreams stay with you forever,
drag you around but bring you back to where you were.
Some dreams keep on gettin better,
gotta keep believin if you wanna know for sure.
~Even if it Breaks Your Heart, Eli Young Band

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