Thirty in Thirty: Eight

Happy is the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind, and has given up worrying once and for all. ~Ovid


I think I have to get a blog out before I can write a good paper. It's like my warm up writing.

Okay day eight is not going to be my favorite and it's going to be really vague. To protect the guilty I guess.

This person taught me a lot in the short time that I knew her. First off, she was perfect. Believe me, perfect. Just ask her. We got along, and by got along I mean we were the definition of "frienemies." I don't think I understood that word until I encountered this person.

My perception of this person was that she thought EVERYTHING I did was wrong. The funny thing is that everything that has happened, which did not mirror her life, happened just as it needed to for me. And I think those last two words of the sentence are the most important: for me. Her life has gone perfect for her. I'm sure there have been obstacles that she has had to face, but she doesn't talk about them nearly as much as I do. Granted I talk, a lot. I don't mind sharing my story. I hope that my story will give others in similar situations hope. Or if nothing else it will entertain them.

In the last year my life has gone in many different directions. I am back in school (who'da thought?), I went out a lot (I thought I had given up going out sometime around age 24), I have made friends with some interesting characters (now that one's not all that surprising). I don't see anything that I've done as wrong...for me. Some of the decisions might not be right to someone else, but ultimately I'm the one that has to answer to God and answer to myself, not them.

When mentioning things that I have done (none of which have been that bad!) I got many, many "looks" from this person. It seemed that nothing I did was right. I am a people pleaser and this really bothered me for a long time. Why did she not like me? Why did she judge what I did? I just didn't get it. I spent a long time talking to a friend one night and he brought up the point that maybe it wasn't judgement, maybe instead there was an element of jealousy or "what if?" and I was perceiving it as judgement. This really got me to thinking: people are only mean to me because they are jealous of me! Maybe that's not the only reason, but, frankly, I do have a lot going for me, I really do. At the same time the road to get here has not always been smooth, flat, sunny and cheerful. I wouldn't have it any other way though. I may not be married and have two perfect children in a perfect house, but I am furthering my education in a hope that I can go out and make a huge impact in the world. I want to help people, not just myself, as many people as I can. Odds are good that I'm not going to make a million dollars doing what I want to do, but at the end of the day I think truly loving what you do and knowing that you are making a difference are worth so much more than money can buy.

There were several times that this person would get just angry over things that I did. I, on the other hand, just went with it. It was honestly kind of funny to watch her get worked up. What I realized was this: when she got upset the only person who was miserable and upset over her being upset was her! My youth pastor in high school was known for this phrase:

"When someone spits on you does he make you mad? Nope, he just makes you wet. You make the choice to be mad."

I have thought this phrase a lot over the last year. When I get upset who does it hurt? Me. That's really about it. Sure I have friends that care, but the reality of the situation is that if I let someone get to me, it hurts me, not them. I had to take this attitude with this particular person. Oh there were times I was SO mad, but I just had to keep reminding myself that if she didn't care about hurting my feelings then she wasn't worth me being upset over.

I hope that I brought something positive to her life as well, because she certainly taught me things about my life. I learned that it's okay that I don't have a picture perfect life. It's okay that my life has not taken the same path as many of my friends. It's okay that I didn't meet my future husband in high school or college or fresh out of college. It's okay that I'm 29 and not married yet.

I have learned that I have had a huge blessing placed in my life. I was blessed to be in several unhealthy relationships and I was blessed to get out of them. My partners were blessed to get away from me as well, because it is rare that a relationship is only bad on one side.

I have also learned that people will judge you. People will not agree with what you do with your life. People will not agree with the path that God leads you on. People will think they are better than you. If you go through life believing them then you are missing out. Each of us was given a very distinct and perfect path in God's perfect timing and we should accept our own path and that others will go in a different way and that's okay.

If I could go back and have the life that this person has, as perfect as it appears to be on the outside, would I do it? Probably a year ago I would have said yes. She had everything that I thought I wanted. Note that word: wanted. Not what I needed. I have needed every heartache to get me to where I am. I thought, for a long time, that I just wanted to be a wife and mother, which for many people is a very admirable thing to do (not knocking any stay at home moms that I know and love), but for me it wouldn't be enough. I know that know. A year ago I didn't know that. Six months ago I didn't know that. Heck I don't know that I knew that a month ago. I was going about my Masters trying to find a career that I could do and stay at home at the same time. This semester I have learned that that I won't be fulfilled doing that. I have entirely too much to offer to the world to hold back. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to do (though I have a pretty good idea). I pray that I take advantage of every opportunity I am given. I know there is going to be a moment in the future (maybe it will be soon, maybe it will be a long time from now) that will test me. I will have to make a choice between the easy out, that is totally acceptable, and something that will be challenge me and might be really hard. I don't know what that's going to be and to be honest I'm terrified.

I know when the time comes I will step up to the challenge.

And I know that challenge will change the world.

I realize I sound crazy, but if you've heard about any of my "feelings" then you won't question it. Mark my words, I will change the world. :)