Thursday, November 4, 2010

Thirty in Thirty: Three

A sad thing in life is that sometimes you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.

Let's try an ex boyfriend on for size! Though there were some hard feelings when this relationship came to an end, I am not going to dwell on the negative, just simply mention it.

I met this guy around 2002. He was about to marry his high school sweetheart (aw!) and we became friends through church and a musical (I was friends with his fiance' as well). They married and inevitably divorced. After they split we talked a lot, just as friends, because when you're going through a break up you need a friend. From there a spark was lit.

We saw each other one night at a play and then he asked me to dinner and a movie, I wasn't sure if it was a date, so I asked what kind of shoes I should wear: heels or flip flops. He said, well wear whatever makes you comfortable, but it is a date! I was pretty excited.

On paper we were PERFECT! We had the same group of friends, were interested in the same activities, went to the same church. The only negative I could see was that he lived in our hometown and wasn't very willing to leave, which would mean if we ended up together I would have to move home. I came to be okay with this idea as the weeks and months progressed.

When we started dating he had not thoroughly healed from his divorce (mistake number one, on both of our parts). We were together and then not so much and then kind of and then not so much and then kind of and then not so much and then well yeah. I remember us having a big fight (but we were NOT together!) and I had a bit too much to drink which led me to meet the next guy, though I was totally not over this relationship. That was Friday. On Sunday I went home for church and we got into a HUGE fight that night. This is my fun story of getting dumped when you didn't know you were dating someone! Oh the stories of my life! :)

I started dating someone soon after that and the mistake that I made following the relationship with this guy was that I did not forgive him when I started dating the next guy. I was hurt, a lot. We had been close friends and all the things that happened in our pseudo relationship, to me, didn't feel like something that someone would do to their friend. I realize now that he was not in a place to be in a relationship and I wanted to be in a "perfect" relationship too much. I could see all the positives, but did not take into account the fact that we just didn't fit!

That happened in 2005. October 28, 2009 (following the cancelled wedding) I realized that I had never forgiven this guy. I realized the problems this caused in my next relationship. I was so angry after that relationship ended that I was so determined to make the next relationship work and to make it "perfect." He kept telling me that things would not work with this new guy; I did not want him to be right and I did not want to fail. I did everything, too much, to hold onto a relationship so I could be right. (This is not to say that I did not love the next guy with all my heart, I whole heartedly did, but the hurt from the previous relationship certainly played a part in the length of the next relationship.)

I am happy to say that October 29, 2009 I totally, whole heartedly, 100% forgave this guy for every hurt that I felt. Forgiveness is a very freeing thing, I highly recommend it. Some may say that this guy, or the next, or others in my life do not deserve forgiveness. What I learned that day is that forgiveness is not necessarily about the person that has wronged us, but rather, about our hearts not holding onto hurts when the time comes to release them. Whether anything that I felt was justified in his eyes I don't know; I probably never will know. Has he forgiven me for any wrong that I did in the relationship? I don't know that either, I pray he has. I know that I did not handle everything during our relationship (however you choose to define it) in the best manner possible.

So long as we learn and grow from our experiences then I feel that every tear shed is worthwhile. I hope he learned something out of our time together, I know I did.

And I know I will always be grateful to him for that.


  1. Loving this 30 in 30. It really is remarkable how the feelings from your past relationships shape the way you behave in your current ones. So happy you are in a happy place now! You totally deserve it!

  2. I just wanted to say that I completely agree about forgiveness being a freeing thing. It sure makes things so much better. You may never forget what someone did to you, but that is okay, becuase it was a lesson in life that brings you to where you are today.